It's been rough but I've taken a break to grieve, and now to pick up where I left off

[Siwsan]

Of course, the grief continues but there are other little ones depending on me. Yesterday I spent a lot of time taking care of these precious babies. Dylan and Merlin, especially, made sure to give me lots of snuggles.

It goes without saying that the support and care I received from my friends on Democratic Underground definitely gave me immense comfort. I admit I continue to second, third and fourth guess myself, but that's the nature of this beast (me). I can't explain the pain of being able to bring Tudor back from death, once, and the fail the second time. It just makes me feel like such a failure.

He is buried in the shade of the Maple Tree, which is where I sit and read, so he will have company. It's also right by the deck where his siblings and friends gather to eat and play.

And they were all waiting for me, this morning.

[Biophilic]

1. Good for you, Siwsan. Little Tudor's spirit will be happily running around in your yard.

Thank you for taking such good care of him and the others.

[2naSalit]

2. Sounds like...

You are handling it as well as can be expected. You did your best for the little one. The others are there, and my what a gang, and they love you too.

The outside group is quite large, I hope your efforts to find them homes find quick success.

[Goddessartist]

3. Sweet Siwsan, you are anything but a failure. Tudor was gifted you for his short, but very loved

Life. I am s grateful for you.

[Walleye]

4. Good to hear from you, I was worried. Losing the kitten must be such a blow

[ShazzieB]

22. Yes, I was getting worried, too.

Glad to hear DU support has been helpful, and that these other little guys are bringing comfort!

[nuxvomica]

5. I had a similar experience with our little Felix

Last edited Mon Aug 28, 2023, 09:37 AM - Edit history (1)

He continued to go downhill with his neurological condition (flopping walk, dilated pupil on one side, apparent blindness) and the vets were pretty sure he wasn't even very aware of anything. He'd stopped eating and pooping for a day and as we prepared for his next neurologist visit, I was pretty sure we would be getting "the quality-of-life talk." I broke down crying that morning but as a "hail mary", I gave him a homeopathic remedy (I know, I know) after which he went to sleep. When I went to get him ready for his appointment, he pooped and urinated all over the hallway and was walking around normally, which he hadn't done in months. I had never been so happy cleaning up poop! We had him for a few more months, walking okay and interacting, even playing again, eating and doing his business just fine till the morning I found him totally paralyzed. It's heart-wrenching to get these "extensions" but I don't think the little fellows mind getting a little more joy out of life. It's a gift you gave, hard-won and precious despite its cruel brevity. Peace to you.

[keopeli]

6. Your loving efforts to save Tudor were so pure that you added a week to Tudor's Magical Life!

I believe that his mom did indeed sense something was wrong, which is why she abandoned him initially. This is common in nature. Whether it was an infection or a genetic defect, Mom knew what was up. So, God gave him a new mom for a time and you showered him with love and affection. Who could ask for anything more?

Now you are processing grief as any mother would. When the pain subsides, and it will, Tudor will occupy a permanent home in a chamber of your heart (and ours, too!). That brief flash of bright light and life has immortalized Tudor! Your love is now perpetuated in the lives of ALL of us (hundreds of friends), all because of your heroic effort and Tudor's magical life! What a gift! What a legacy! What a blessing!

I can not take away your pain unfortunately. But this grief is a byproduct of your love and Tudor's spirit. The grief will pass, but the mark you left on my heart and many others will remain and remind all of us of your boundless love and of Tudor's magical life for a long time to come.

Take heart, Siwsan. What is trauma today will soon become a lasting legacy of love and a priceless and living memento for Tudor's Magical Life!

Many, many blessings to you!

[scarletlib]

8. I second your eloquence.

You speak for me.

Siswan keep doing what you do and thank you for sharing their lives and yours with us.

[niyad]

9. Perfectly put! You expressed it so beautifully.

[hlthe2b]

7. I thought that you would find comfort in those still yearning for your attention and love.

They need and depend on you and show daily how very effective you have been and will continue to be in giving them the opportunity to live and flourish. Even Tudor received a miraculous week of love that he would never have had otherwise. I consider that quite a success, even if not the full life we all would have wanted for him. Fate stepped in, but you still gave him those precious, wonderful moments.

Focus on those warm little beings around you jostling for your attention and by doing so, forego any second-guessing. They are daily reminders that you have and will continue to succeed with them.

I'm glad that Tudor is at rest nearby. A sweet little guardian angel overseeing all around.

[ALBliberal]

10. Tudor was blessed with your care and love. Seems it was

a two way street. Take care and bask in the love of the kitties.

[Polly Hennessey]

11. I am glad you are back. I checked each day

to see if there was a Siwsan message. You and your kittens give such joy to all of us. Tiny Tudor is resting nearby and his short life was full of cuddles, play, good food, and love 💕. I will miss him but am happy you are once again with us and the kitten “tales” will continue.

[AverageOldGuy]

12. Questions about the photo

The little tabby at the top of the photo seems to be much smaller than the others??

At the upper right is a grey kitty eating from a bowl. Is that a black kitty sharing the bowl, or just a shadow?

Are these one litter, or, more than one?

Nice shoes!!!

[niyad]

13. My dear Siwsan, I know that your grieving is deep, that your heart is crushed.

But please know that your grief and sorrow are shared by all here. And, know also, how much joy and love and laughter and delight you share wuth us as we join you in your amazng journey. Tiny, magnificent little Tudor, and all your little ones,, are in our hearts as well.

Do not be surprised if you find Tudor nestled on your neck, or see him romping. Huggggggs to you, and skritches for all your babies.

[CaptainTruth]

14. Don't ever feel like you're a failure, you've succeeded with so many kittens...

...& you did everything you could for Tudor. You gave him the best chance at life, far more than he would have had all alone, you were there for him & gave him love & care, but as I learned fostering kittens, sometimes that's not enough.

You, & Tudor, & all the other kittens who depend on you, are in our thoughts.

[CousinIT]

15. You are not a failure! His short life was full of love and care and warmth

because of you. And because of you, his little spirit stays right there with his hoomom and siblings forever. That's not a failure. Poor little baby's body wasn't meant for this life. Most likely, nothing you could have done would have changed that. But you did all you could to make his short visit the best it could be.

[MuseRider]

16. Oh no!

I am so very sorry. I missed this yesterday. I am positive there was nothing you could do without even knowing what happened yet. I wish there was some way to help you get over this. Your constant care of these kitties is so impressive and so respected that I am completely comfortable knowing the little guy went knowing he was totally loved and was important.

[Raven123]

17. Thanks for letting us know you are ok.

Loving kindness is never a failure

[Evolve Dammit]

18. All the best to you Siwsan. Very sorry to hear of your loss. ED

[vlyons]

19. Death is inevitable. So please don't blame yourself.

We all got to go eventually. He had a good life while he was with you.

[virgdem]

20. Siwsan, you are not a failure...

You are a loving, empathetic and compassionate caregiver. You gave Tudor a little more time to be the kitten you had hoped would grow into a healthy adult cat. You gave him that joy.

We are all grieving with you and understand the pain of loss. Take care of the rest of the clowder- they need your loving care.

[Mr.Bill]

21. Aside from all the good things you do

for the kittens, never forget you bring a lot of joy into our lives, too. We share your grief, but we also await the joy your future posts will bring.

[wnylib]

23. Welcome back. I am not surprised to find

that you are second guessing everything that you did. I would be the same way. It's a way of wishing that we could change the outcome after the fact, even though we know that it's not possible. That's part of grieving, of dealing with the acceptance of something that we don't want to accept. Been there, with people and with pets. A grief counselor helped me to see that it's a normal stage in grieving.

You not only give love and care to the ferals, but also have the gift of sharing them with us in ways that make us love them, too. And that is why we share in your grief. We love them, too, and love what you do for them.

Wishing you the peace that comes with knowing that he was loved.

[Archae]

24. It was something you couldn't really do much about, Siswan.

A good friend of mine had a kitten "fail to thrive" like that too, and the kitten died on his lap.
That really hurt him and me, a lot.

There are times kittens just don't quite make it, and it's so sad.