The New Testament, as Rewritten By the NRA

[SecularMotion]

You have probably heard that the National Rifle Association (NRA) has published a couple of revised fairy tales, specifically Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel and Gretel, to emphasize the security and safety that come from carrying a firearm. Not unexpectedly, the liberal, anti-gun lobby has jumped all over the NRA for this creative effort to convey the true story about firearms.

Of course, the NRA is right on target. Firearms ensure peace. My only quibble is that the NRA aimed too low. Why fairy tales? Why not make use of the greatest story ever told to talk about the greatness of guns? Herewith my suggestions for how beloved New Testament stories can be respectfully rewritten to bring home the NRA’s valuable lesson:

Miracle of the Guns and Ammo

When the crowds learned that Jesus was heading to the gun show, they followed him, hoping to hear his word and buy weapons he might recommend. However, Caesar had recently issued a decree banning gun show sales. As the disappointed crowd filed into the parking lot, Jesus’s disciples came to him and said, we have but two guns and five bullets to share with this crowd. But Jesus blessed the guns and bullets and bade his disciples to set them before the crowd, and all left satisfied with a choice weapon and a full magazine.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ronald-a-lindsay/the-new-testament-as-rewr_b_9562466.html

[Jackie Wilson Said]

1. Good one

[Straw Man]

2. Short memories.

No one remembers Thurber?

One afternoon a big wolf waited in a dark forest for a little girl to come along carrying a basket of food to her grandmother. Finally a little girl did come along and she was carrying a basket of food. "Are you carrying that basket to your grandmother?" asked the wolf. The little girl said yes, she was. So the wolf asked her where her grandmother lived and the little girl told him and he disappeared into the wood.

When the little girl opened the door of her grandmother's house she saw that there was somebody in bed with a nightcap and nightgown on. She had approached no nearer than twenty-five feet from the bed when she saw that it was not her grandmother but the wolf, for even in a nightcap a wolf does not look any more like your grandmother than the Metro-Goldwyn lion looks like Calvin Coolidge. So the little girl took an automatic out of her basket and shot the wolf dead.

(Moral: It is not so easy to fool little girls nowadays as it used to be.)

-- from Fables for Our Time, 1939

[GreydeeThos]

3. God made man, but Sam Colt made them all equal

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.

Ecclesiastes 1 : 9

[ileus]

4. The NRA isn't a religious organization

[theatre goon]

5. So, let me get this straight...

The NRA didn't actually re-write the Ten Commandments, but let's pretend they did, and make up something that we think they might say if they did, and then make fun of them for that, even though they didn't, y'know, actually do it in the first place...

Yeah, makes perfect sense. Somehow...

[jmg257]

6. Not from the NRA, could be the VPC