Are You Lonesome Tonight?

[Crewleader]

ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?

Are you lonesome tonight? Does your tummy feel tight? Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?

Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day, when you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding? Your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her, And its prostate for him.

Does your back give you pain? Do your knees predict rain? Tell me dear are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up? Good cholesterol down? Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot. Helps you run like a well-oiled machine.

If it's football or baseball, He sure knows the score. Yes, he knows where it's at but forgets what it's for.

So your gallbladder's gone, but your gout lingers on, tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not, When you're cold, he is hot, Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light, He goes left and you go right, then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic, so witty and smart; how did he turn out to be such a cranky old fart?

So don't take any bets, It's as good as it gets, Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

[Crewleader]

1. RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED MIND

RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED MIND


I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.


You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.


I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!


I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.


I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."


I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease; that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!


You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"


Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"


Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?


I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.


As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve."

[Paper Roses]

2. Loved these posts. As a Senior, I can relate.

Thanks for the laughs.

[Crewleader]

4. Here's another for you my friend.

SEVERAL DEFINITIONS
YOU MAY BE GETTING OLDER IF...

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Going braless pulls all the wrinkles
out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.

"Getting a little action" means
you don't need to take any fiber today.

"Getting lucky" means
you find your car in the parking lot. " An "all nighter" means
not getting up to use the bathroom.

[trof]

3. AOTA*

*All Of The Above

[Crewleader]

5. And for you my friend

HAPPY HONEYMOON

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parents' house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She repies, "No. Not yet."

Johnny asks, "Do you want to know what I think?"

"No," says his mom. "Just get to school."

When Johnny comes home for lunch he asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Again Johnny asks, "Do you want to know what I think?"

"No, just get back to school," says his mom.

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

"Do you want to know what I think now?" asks Johnny.

"OK. What do you think?" says his mom.

"Well," Johnny said, "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

[No Vested Interest]

6. Well, crewleader, you're a card. I'll be on the lookout

for your future posts.
We can always use a good laugh.
Thanks!

[Crewleader]

7. Hey my Catholic friend, here's one for you!

LITTLE LEROY WANTS A BIKE

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.

She said, "Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write to Jesus and pray for one instead."

After his tantrum, his mother sent him to his room. Then, he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus:

Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Leroy

Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try:

Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again:

Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at the statue in the foyer.

All of a sudden he grabbed it and ran out of the church. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus, I got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. You Know Who

[No Vested Interest]

8. Ah, yes, I bet Jesus' mama came through for him.

Whoever heard of a Catholic boy named Leroy? That's like naming a Catholic child Wesley or Luther - not going to happen.

Anyway, there's lots of very good, funny Catholic stories.
We should put them in the Catholicism forum, where no one's permitted to knock them!

Thanks.