Poetry
Related: About this forumHow do I know if I write decent poetry?
I am moving my 50 some years of poetry from the worn out box it is in, to a sturdier box. It is going to take more than a day. I'm sorting other writing into a different pile, but not really sorting the poetry. I enjoyed reading some old favorites, read some I didn't remember writing. I like what I write, but who knows if anyone else would. I haven't written as often now that I'm older, but once in awhile I'm inspired. I read the early poems and laugh at how young I was.
SheltieLover
(59,641 posts)Others may or may not, but who cares? 🤣👍
guillaumeb
(42,649 posts)Marthe48
(19,053 posts)Thank you for suggesting that I post some. I appreciate your interest.
This one was in another pile of papers and I think made me realize I should at least put it all in a fresh box. I wrote this in 2015:
The burdened clouds
Are resolute
And mount the hills and trees.
Not quite atop
They falter
And shed their rain like tears
mr_lebowski
(33,643 posts)"and lay down their rain"
that way, it ties in with the 'burden' at the beginning ...
or perhaps
"A cataract opens"
Cause that'll send people to their dictionary
Hey, you asked
Foolacious
(517 posts)But here's what I notice in this piece:
The first five lines are highly metaphorical; you express your idea by painting a word-picture in an inventive way. They're really good. But the final line seems out of synch with them. It uses a very obvious simile to describe a very literal truth. For whereas clouds are not literally burdened, or resolute, and do not mount, or falter, they do literally contain rain, which they do literally shed. And what is that rain like? Tears is the very first thing that pops into one's head.
You might instead tie off the piece by remaining metaphorical, but painting the word-picture more economically:
"And weep."
Or by letting a bit of literalism in without buttressing it with an obvious simile:
"And shed their rain."
Those aren't suggestions so much as examples or illustrations of how you might maintain the texture of the piece all the way through.
Marthe48
(19,053 posts)Your comments are enlightening, I think will help me evaluate what I have done and if I write anything new, work on keep the idea together all the way through.
I like the rhythm of the poem as it is written, would like to keep it intact.
noiretextatique
(27,275 posts)it is lovely.
jpak
(41,780 posts)And immortal.
Marthe48
(19,053 posts)n/t
Marthe48
(19,053 posts)Learned at my Mother's knee. lol
jpak
(41,780 posts)CaliforniaPeggy
(152,134 posts)I've been writing for awhile, and if I get something published then I know that I succeeded in touching the reader.
I belong to a group of poets and we read our stuff to each other. They let me know if they like it.
But mostly I know some of my stuff is good because I like it, because it speaks to me.
Marthe48
(19,053 posts)I guess the poems are an outlet for all of the sad stuff.
CaliforniaPeggy
(152,134 posts)When I'm happy, there is no inspiration!
Marthe48
(19,053 posts)The sad poems seem to resonate no matter how long ago I wrote them.
PJMcK
(22,897 posts)You've expressed yourself creatively with the best of your abilities.
I like your brief poem above. If you'd like, share some more.
Artists cannot and should not judge their work as worthy or decent or in any other way. You've made something where there was nothing! Your creation stands tall and proud.
That's what I think.
Marthe48
(19,053 posts)Rips and tears along the borders of your wings
rending testament of your futile quest to reach the moon
Quiet now, you cling to brick below the lamp
untouched by shifting hints of breeze
your midnight orbs so dark by light of day
You spent your life attaining to an artificial god
sacrificed your beauty and your legacy to an easy prominence
blinded by the brilliance of a local star
you could not contemplate the deeps of space and time
that distanced you from the only truth
Now, oh battered moth, you wait to die
pinned to the wall by a dart of sun
wounded and undone, mute casualty of hope
noiretextatique
(27,275 posts)I love it!
Marthe48
(19,053 posts)I forgot I posted this poem. Your post was a pleasant surprise.
Marthe48
(19,053 posts)When I was young, I thought I'd like to be a writer.
I know I'm a writer, because I write. And have some results that are like messages from part of me that is mostly hidden