OK folks, I need some answers.

[ChairmanAgnostic]

First of all, why the rabbits, with chocolate eggs? Was Hey-Zeus involved in some biological experiments which hatched into chocolate bunnies?

Second, if Hey-Zeus really existed (ahem), if he was nailed to a plank, AND if he died, why did he wait three days to come back? Was that some sort of zombie concoction he was given? Night of the Living Dead, BCE? And after he came back, why the hell did he leave once again?

Third, if if that upstairs fairy tale dude had a son that he sent on to this flat earth, who the hell was the mother? What ever happened to her? Come to think of it, if this god dude had a son, and if he was never married, isn't Hey-Zeus illegitimate?

Lastly, if all these magical thingies were taking place in the muddled east, how the hell did a north-central town like Avignon, WAY across Pond Med, become party central for what eventually became the RC church? I understand that the booze and wine were great, and that the hookers were unbelievably attractive, but why the move? And why did they next go to the Big V in Rome?

If any of my questions offend your religion, well, I'll just quote Mike Pence and make it all bitter.

[Warpy]

1. Well, how dare you?

Don't you realize that faith is never to be questioned, it just is and it's always been this way no matter what those lying historical records say or how many contradictions are found or how bizarre the whole premise is. As long as you don't bug your elders and betters with a bunch of questions, you'll be just fine and go to heaven when you croak.

[LostOne4Ever]

2. My attempt at answers/guesses

[font style="font-family:'Georgia','Baskerville Old Face','Helvetica',fantasy;" size=4 color=teal]

1. Why bunnies? Because they fuck like rabbits. Easter is heavily influenced by and based upon multiple pagan and jewish holidays that celebrate the equinox and the coming of spring. It is a time that celebrates renewal, rebirth and fertility. Eggs and rabbits are fertility symbols.
   
   Chocolate is just delicious....



2. He was NOT A FREAKING ZOMBIE!!! He was a lich.
   
   

   [center][/center]

   
   
   Get it RIGHT PEOPLE!!
   
   Seriously though, people don't come back from the dead. If he really did exist he is dead and buried and never coming back.



3. Lets be honest. Yeshua isn't YHWH's kid. Joe and his 13 year old girlfriend Mary didn't want to admit that they were expecting and not married yet
   
   And yes he was illegitimate
   
   If it was YHWH and he really wanted to impress people and prove that Yeshua was YHWH's kid he would have knocked up Joe.



4. No clue about Avignon but as for Rome, I would guess lots of politics and war.[/font]
   

[ChairmanAgnostic]

3. LOL, thanks. that was great!

[bvf]

4. We really need to hear

from the resident scholars on these questions, IMHO.

You know--the ones that throw around words like "syncretism" to show off their massive brains.

Me, I just always assumed rabbits laid chocolate eggs, and that the Easter Bunny thought abortion was wrong.

[LiberalAndProud]

5. Bunnies aren't sacred. They're fertile.

And Easter is the remnant of the great fertility festivals of spring and, you know -- bunnies have a reputation. Why chocolate? Because people like chocolate a lot. Way better than licorice.

Jesus waited three days to rise to fulfil his own (and maybe other) prophesies. Some say he spent those three days in hell dueling with the devil and saving souls. If any of it's true that's as likely as the rest of it.

Mary was the virgin mother. Where have you been?

And the fourth question is a relatively long history lesson. Helen and Constantine and a bunch of other stuff.

I hope this was helpful.

[ChairmanAgnostic]

7. Bbbut that was the second time around.

Before daddums sent him down from his cloud based fairy castle, he was born up there, no? Who was his heavenly mommy?

Wasn't Augustine the miscreant that kinda set the terms for all the crap that they follow today? I know constantine has a lot to answer for, but he was hardly the first.

[LiberalAndProud]

9. Oh goodness no.

Jesus is God and his own father and has always been, because he's god. I don't understand why this confuses you.

That's just a whole bunch of other stuff. Enough despots with their hands in the mix to share the blame I'm sure.

[Binkie The Clown]

6. Mr. God, like all true patriarchs,

Kept Mrs. God in the background. Mrs. God was expected to just keep out of sight and procreate on demand.

[ChairmanAgnostic]

8. I wonder if she bitched about her heavenly kitchen and appliances.

[olddots]

10. Jebus died for the sugar industries sins

be thankfull that little kids don't show up at your place and guilt you into giving them candy or sacted beads .

[jeff47]

11. Rabbits and eggs are because they took over a fertility festival.

And Rabbits fuck like rabbits, and eggs are a sign of fertility. They became chocolate because chocolate is tasty.

Second, because he said it would take 3 days.

Third, Jesus and God are the same thing. They're different aspects of the same all-powerful entity. He's referred to as "the son" not as in a father/child relationship, but to identify that aspect versus the other two aspects (the father and the holy spirit). Part of this is because it became taboo for a while to use Jesus' name, so they needed some way to refer to the dude.

Lastly, Avignon actually came later. They settled in Rome because that was the seat of power in the Roman empire. Avignon was a splinter church created when the French king didn't like what the Pope was saying about him. So he made his own Pope.

[PassingFair]

12. Try explaining it to a Chinese exchange student!

"Well you see, Christians believe that this man named Jesus rose from the dead."

"But what are the colorful eggs, honorable Host Mother?"

[LiberalAndProud]

13. Symbolism isn't clear?

Nothing says resurrection quite like eggs.

[LostOne4Ever]

14. I don't know. Chocolate is heavenly... (nt)

[LiberalAndProud]

15. Fine then.

Explain marshmallow Peeps. Huh? Bet you can't.

[LostOne4Ever]

17. Nobody can explain peeps! (nt)

[PassingFair]

18. Here's my Easter Dress:

http://blog.shopformuseums.com/2014/04/21/peeps-fashion-show-trends-that-are-sweet-sassy-and-colorful/

[LostOne4Ever]

19. I think you just broke my like button :) Well if DU had a like button >.> (nt)

[LiberalAndProud]

21. I found the perfect Easter bonnet for you.

[PassingFair]

22. I'll pick up your suit at the cleaners...

[LiberalAndProud]

23. Don't you just love the bell sleeve?

The bonnet chafes, though.

[PassingFair]

24. I decorated the eggs.

[LiberalAndProud]

25. Awesome.

You're very talented. Faberge doesn't know what they're missing.

[AtheistCrusader]

20. Why do you think the cadbury eggs are creme filled?

[LiberalAndProud]

28. I don't know.

But then again, I also don't know why those hollow chocolate-flavored wax rabbits are considered an easter treat.

[skepticscott]

26. Well, just as long as the word "atheist"

doesn't give you the heebie-jeebies and you're looking to the rest of us for enlightenment or therapy...

[onager]

27. Do I have some confusion for you!

And I won't even mention eggs, bunnies or the pagan goddess Eostre.

Let's start with the Xian Big Weekend, Easter (though it never caught on like Xmas, probably due to lack of big gifts and spiked eggnog...wait, there's those damn eggs again...)

1. "He was in the ground for three days then resurrected..."

No he wasn't. Crucified/buried Friday afternoon, took dirt nap all day Saturday, empty tomb found at dawn on Sunday. That's about 1.5 days at most.

And by then, the walking dead should have been fairly commonplace around Judea. That undertaker-cheating do-gooder Jesus had already reanimated at least 3 corpses: Lazarus; the daughter of a Roman centurion; and a widow's son. (I'm doing all this from memory, so you should fact-check me with your favorite Sophisticated Theologian.)

Not to mention what happened the day of the crucifixon, according to Matthew. When graves suddenly emptied all over Jerusalem. And zombies apparently wandered around chatting amiably with the Not-Yet-Gone-Tango-Uniform population of the city.

2. But let's back up, to the trial on Good Friday...which resembles no trial you will ever find anywhere else in the history of Roman law. Or Jewish law either.

First, Pontius Pilate finds Jesus innocent. Then, due to an angry mob outside, Pilate not only reverses himself but sentences the prisoner to death.

Really? Well, thanks to the Xians' favorite historian Flavius Josephus, we know about several incidents where Pilate faced angry mobs in Jerusalem. He didn't cringe and cower like that character in the Easter story - he called out the troops and quicky crushed the mobs by force.

I'm pretty sure any Roman provinical governor who acted like Pilate in the Easter story would have been speedily relieved for cause and sent home in disgrace. The Romans took their law very seriously.

But we know that didn't happen to Pilate - he continued in office for about 10 years after the Alleged Jesus Trial. Xian websites are full of woo stories about Pilate committing suicide, later converting to Xianity, etc. etc. But nobody seems to know for sure. He probably just went home and retired on a well-earned pension.

Then there's the bit about Jesus being crucified "between two thieves." But theft wasn't a capital crime under Roman or Jewish law at the time, any more than it is today. IIRC, that was stuck in to agree with some Old Testament prophecy. Which seems to be the case with most of the Easter story. "This must agree with the Prophets, no matter how little sense it makes."

[progressoid]

29. Hey, just be happy he died to save your peeps.

[onager]

31. Peeps want to DESTROY TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE!1!

[opiate69]

30. In My house, we have a different tradition.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/82432815/

[Warren Stupidity]

32. In my blasphemous atheist family I demanded SACRIFICES on easter.

"Bring me the head of Chocolate Bunny!"

and the kids would look at each other in mock horror as they dutifully sacrificed their precious bunnies to their lord and master.


One year the eldest held out, refusing to bow down and sacrifice his Chocolate Bunny. That fucking easter bunny sat on his shelf, wrapped in its gold foil, head squarely on shoulders, for the next eight years until dear bunny went off to Dumpster Heaven.

There is a moral hidden there someplace.

[ChairmanAgnostic]

33. sounds like a sane and healthy family

which would scare the bejeezus out of most politicians in Indiana.

[beam me up scottie]

34. My dad once told me he ran over the Easter Bunny on the way home.

My mother was horrified - she thought I'd be traumatized, I thought it was hysterical.

I think I know where I get my fondness for black humor...