My child is not in heaven: Your religion only makes my grief harder

[Capt. Obvious]

When I tell people about the death of my infant daughter, they often respond that she is in heaven. They tell me that she is an angel now. They tell me that she’s with God. But as an atheist, these words have never brought me any comfort.

My daughter was born three years ago. I went into pre-term labor at 22 weeks gestation, and try as they might, the doctors could not keep her here with us. Her short life, just eight hours long, has marked my life and my husband’s life deeply. Margaret Hope (or Maggie, as we refer to her) continues to exist with us in her own way, but this persistence has absolutely nothing to do with god or Jesus or angels or any other specific afterworld. This is what works for us as parents. It’s what works for about two percent of the U.S. population who currently identify as atheists, and for about 20 percent who are agnostic or unaffiliated with any particular set of beliefs.

....

http://www.salon.com/2015/10/24/please_stop_telling_me_my_daughter_is_in_heaven/

My phone is not cooperating with copying more text

[mountain grammy]

1. My nephew committed suicide 8 years ago..

My sister in law is very religious, and believes she will reunite with him when she dies. Whatever gets you through the night, I always say. What works for me is reality. Although I've never lost a child, for which I'm grateful, I've experienced loss like everyone else. I do not live with the illusion of life after death until someone proves it.

[progressoid]

8. I know that it is a comfort for my parents when my brother died.

But that reuniting with loved ones in heaven can get a little complicated.

For instance, my grandmother has outlived three husbands. She loved them all. When she gets to heaven, then what?

[A HERETIC I AM]

10. They take a number.

Or draw straws.

[NonMetro]

2. Non-believers are also non-conformists, and most people are neither

It's the way the world is that the burden of understanding is on those of us who don't believe in an afterlife. Believers need to process loss in the only way they know how, so when they say the little one is an angel, they're comforting themselves, and trying to make the non-believer feel better about their loss.

[AlbertCat]

3. need to process loss in the only way they know how

"so when they say the little one is an angel, "

They are pretending that these people didn't die, that they are still around somehow. (Science shows concretely that they actually are still around, just not put together in the same way. It's not human-centric warm and fuzzy)

It just seems so much healthier to KNOW that they are GONE... and that's that. But you can remember them...good times I hope. And see evidence of their existence around.

[NonMetro]

4. Maybe It Is Healthier

But our evolution over millions of years has produced what people are, and belief in the supernatural is also an evolutionary development. So, why is it comfy for people to think of a lost loved one as an angel? It is a happy thought, after all, isn't it?

But I do tend to agree with you. Thinking of it that way is kind of like believing in Santa Clause. There's bound to be a let down at some point, which can be worse in the long run, even though not for children, who then simply realize mom or dad are doing it. But when adults continue to lie to themselves, that can be more serious emotionally.

BTW, what's this science thing you referred to? I'd be interested in looking into that. Thanks for the reply!

[AlbertCat]

6. what's this science thing you referred to?

Last edited Thu Oct 29, 2015, 10:38 AM - Edit history (1)

Well since energy nor matter cannot be destroyed or created, everything everyone who has died was made up of is still very concretely and in a completely real sense still around. The particles just are not in that very rare organization that was an individual human. That's what I meant.

[NonMetro]

7. Thanks!

And also for the interesting discussion!

[Lordquinton]

5. This always seems like a very misunderstood thing

It's not about Atheists telling grieving mothers that there is no heaven, it's about grieving atheists being told that god needed another angel, and then getting offended and withdrawing all support when the atheist gets upset.

As usual, though, the theists find a way to turn it around and make it about them, and how awful atheists are...

[RussBLib]

9. what about the rest of the family?

I mean, how far back does it go?

You're re-united with your daughter, and mother, and father, and grandfather (?), and great-grandfather (?), and how about that drunk uncle (he's in HELL!), and nieces, nephews, all of your pets, and how far back does it go?

And where did they get these silly ideas from, exactly?

[Arugula Latte]

11. And do they stay the same as when they died?

That doesn't seem fair if you died at 95. You have to stick with your old, bent, wrinkly, frail bod forever and ever?