i lived in my house for 51 years and 4 months

[orleans]

i knew i was losing it but there were moments of hope when i thought something would work out, that there would be a way for me to keep it--but as the time grew closer for the loan to come due (that my mom had taken out--it was actually her house) i began to find myself in the throes of anticipatory grief which had begun over six years ago.

the bank did not foreclose. that was good.
they saw i had put it up for sale a week or two before the loan came due so they knew i was "making an effort" to pay their loan back.

i ran out the fucking clock. and for that i am grateful. the loan came due in february. i sold the house--my beloved house that was never officially mine--the first week of july. even then, i "rented" it back from the guy who bought it for four more days.

i ran out the clock. i stayed as long as i could.

my beloved house. my years of growing up (we moved there when i was six or seven years old). it was my sanctuary, my sacred space, my home base.

losing it is a tremendous heartbreak.

i am well aware most normal people grow up and move out. i am not one of them. i was planted and held a strange connection to the house. if i was away from it for too long i would get anxious to return to it. it had a tremendous pull on me.

it was sold to a builder who will knock it down. my friend says it is an appropriate ending that the story ends with me. and i think he is right.

in any case, i have now moved into a condo (ugh) that will never be my true home. i was fortunate enuf to be able to take most of my things (and my mom's) with me. (i have a garage to use for storage & a storage unit).

but life has changed--i look around and see the familiar in such an unfamiliar setting. i will never be the same and i miss me already.

feeling slightly incoherent (thank you vodka). more dark days ahead. too much fucking loss.

sorry for the ramble.

[dixiegrrrrl]

1. Oh I do hear you..yes indeed.

The center of your being has been taken away.
It will take time to build new homes of various types to fill the internal gaps.

I am sorry for your enormous loss.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. Oh, my dear orleans...

You have suffered an enormous loss with the loss of your house. Of course you're grieving.

51 years and 4 months is longer, way longer, than most marriages!

It will take time, and effort, if you want to expend it, to get used to your new dwelling.

Give yourself that time.

See what happens.

Of course it will never be the same...

But that doesn't mean it couldn't be good...

[ZombieHorde]

3. I'll be having vodka soon.

So many things turn to shit. We learn to live with it, but still... bottoms up.

[orleans]

8. yes indeed...

bottoms up

[applegrove]

4. You can drive by the old neighbourhood and think of happy times.

[orleans]

9. i'm more of a glass half empty person

and tripping on memory lane and happy times makes me sad they are gone.

i heard a weather report last week saying we were going to get heavy downpours and i was sobbing, thinking of my poor, empty house that had a leak in the roof and i wouldn't be there to put the bucket under it to catch the drips.

i had my daughter contact a neighbor, asking to let her know the day the house is knocked down so i know the day it "dies" and ... so i don't have to worry about it anymore.

it's terrible... that house was a big part of my everything--my life, my identity, my existence.

the other night i was so sad and so angry to be at this new "place" -- i was unpacking some stuff and kept saying over & over "i hate this place" and "this will never be my home."

but tears don't change circumstances. neither do wishes.

i am rather surprised i have lived through all this stress. i'm not sure if it's a good surprise or a bad one.

[MADem]

5. I understand how you feel. Take the time to grieve.

And once you think you're done, look forward to new adventures.

I would suggest that, to sort of draw a line under that chapter of your life, you do something that YOU have always wanted to do--take a trip, a cruise. even (you can find pretty cheap ones at the last minute if you can be at all flexible), or whatever strikes your fancy. If you have to go alone, do it and bring a selfie stick. Talk to strangers. Have a new experience--do a little living.

Try to carve YOUR space out of your condo. You have your things, your memories, the stuff that is familiar. Smile at the neighbors and wave.

Keep living, keep persevering.

As someone who had to move around a lot, by necessity, it was always difficult to pull up those roots and replant. It was a terribly painful thing, and I did it, over and over, for decades on end.

But it can be done. And the pain does abate. Not straight away, but eventually.

Funny thing, when I retired, I started getting itchy to move at the two year mark--I had a feeling that I needed to get on an airplane and go somewhere! I scratch that itch with travel every so often.

Do something for yourself. Unapologetically. It might help and it can't hurt.

[orleans]

10. thanks for the good advice

and believe it or not, i have met the "neighbors" -- i do know their names, i have introduced myself to them, and i actually have smiled and waved.

(but at this point, it's all for show--i'm unhappy here, don't want to be here, i want my fu*king life back. and i feel like it's gone, and i loved it--and it breaks my fucking heart)

hopefully i'll "get over it" and adjust. i probably will. but for now--i hate it here -- i feel trapped and stuck, i feel like a prisoner in this place. this will never be my "home"

that expression "you can never go home again" is horribly accurate for me.

i *should* do something for myself. that's a good idea. although i have no idea what it would be.

...but it gives me something to think about.

[MADem]

13. Ya just gotta fake it until ya make it. Don't give up.

It is like a physical blow, the whole uprooting process. Time does help, though. One day, you'll find that, while you're still disappointed, it doesn't fricken hurt quite so much.

In the meantime, be very good to yourself. Indulge yourself in any way you can manage--if you see something and can afford it and want it, BUY it.

Hang in there. Hope you get past this sooner rather than later.

[auntAgonist]

6. orleans, so many have said it so well. I too am terribly sorry for yet another loss.

Please take the time you need to grieve, to remember the good times and plan for your future.
Yes, there may be (will be) dark days ahead my friend, but there will be bright days too. Enjoy the bright days.
You deserve the bright days.



kesha.

[orleans]

11. thank you kesha.

life really sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

and sometimes i get so tired of that.

[KMOD]

7. Sending you much love and comfort, orleans.

You are still you, and I adore you.

You were not built to break.

[youtube]

[/youtube]

[orleans]

12. thanks for the video with the lyrics

i don't have speakers hooked up yet (just found them in a box tonight) and i don't know this song so being able to see the printed lyrics was very helpful.

[zanana1]

14. I've always lived in this house...

I'm about to lose it. My husband died on the 13th and without his income, I can't afford to keep it. I know exactly how you feel. I love this house and this neighborhood. It's loud but I like that. I enjoy looking out the window and seeing people of all ages walking their dogs, swimming, playing tennis or basketball or just hanging out. (There's a park across the street). I live in a small city that some think is ugly, but I love it. Most of the young people around here think of me as a cool old lady. I'm 65 and I'm so proud of that title! I enjoy feeding the feral cats and the birds. (For wildlife, I get an occasional skunk).
So, I feel you.

[orleans]

15. i'm so sorry to hear about your husband

i hope you are able to take some time before parting ways with your house.
you've just gone through a tremendous loss and i can't imagine compounding that with a second loss without some in between time.

they (the elusive "they&quot say not to make any major life changes or alterations after experiencing the death of a close family member so if you can afford to buy yourself some time i think that would be a good thing for you.

i've been away from my house for fifteen months. i'm still not over it.
it took me about a year before i began calling this condo "home" -- it began more of a convenience word rather than actually considering it "home."
but now, sometimes, it kind of does feel like home -- my "new little home."

and i've made a decision--the idea came to me last night while watching "saving mr. banks" when i heard a line from the movie ("hello house" -- it brought me to my knees, so to speak. i sobbed for quite awhile; had to stop the movie.). i've decided that if/when i should ever win a multi-million dollar jackpot lottery i am going to buy my property back, tear down the mcmansion that was build on the property, and rebuild my house!

i feel for you as well.
take care.