Does the passing of one's parents really get to you as you, yourself, age?

[Roland99]

Sept of 2015 we lost my wife's father suddenly and unexpectedly. He'd just retired in May from his long-standing job in Vegas and finally moved to FL to be w/us and his grandkids. He actually lived with us all that summer. My wife's brother also lives with us and he'd found his father dead, in bed, when he came home from work one day (we were out with the kids doing something at the time). Found out he'd had a very enlarged heart and probably could have extended his life greatly if he'd been on medication. But, he was the type to never go to a Dr., ya know? My wife and her brother never got to say goodbye had recently argued w/him over stupid little stuff and they beat themselves up for a long time over that. I think they've healed mostly from that at this point.

Then, a month later, my own father who'd been diagnosed with cancer a year earlier but given a great prognosis suddenly became very ill and within a week I flew up to visit him and knew it was a matter of days at that point. I did get to say my goodbyes and thanked him for being a wonderful father and I can only hope I could live up to him.

Then, last year, I turned 50 and I've really been getting morose and thinking a lot about mortality and not being around to see the kids grow up and stupid-ass shit like listening to a song on the radio and going, 'why am I listening to this song when I could be listening to something else? why am I wasting my time like this'? And I keep thinking the next decade I hit I'll be 60 and then I'm like old but, honestly, and I've always been like this, in my mind I don't see myself as getting older. Right now, I identify with much younger co-workers better than I do others my age. And then I get to thinking I may not be here in 10-20 years and what am I going to miss out on and I try to value every second of every day but I get into a mode where I stop thinking about tomorrow. I don't plan for the future or dream dreams of what I want to do or places I want to see. I'm focusing too much on the past and how things were like when the kids were really little and wishing like mad (like Christopher Reeve in Somewhere in Time) to be able to turn that clock back and relive certain moments.

And then I realize I *am* wasting time again and the cycle begins again.

I need to break my mental rut and start thinking of dreams and plans again but it seems so hard at times.


*shrug*

[BlueCaliDem]

1. 50? You're WAY too young to think this way. I'm 54, going to be 55 in May, and I don't have

those thoughts. I do prepare for when something might happen but it doesn't rule my day.

I lost both my parents when I was 34 and 43, respectively, and I began thinking about mortality and all that, but I have three children with interesting lives and two siblings (one older, one 7 years younger) and enjoy a very close relationship with them. I guess, in my case, that helps enormously.

They say that children keep you young. That's a true statement. I know my children keep me feeling alive and young at heart and mind. I look forward to my first grandchild.

So again, you're only 50. You're still young. Please don't fret so.

[Roland99]

9. Oh, I know kids keep ya young. And that's another part of it. They're growing too! :)

Youngest is in his last year of elementary...just a year and a half away from being a teenager.

I have two from a previous marriage and both are older and grown and I have 3 younger kids now with my wife now and I just don't like them growing up. I know there are so many opportunities and things to do and dream about but can't seem to kick this feeling that's always sitting in the back of my mind, all-too-ready to come to the forefront.

[BlueCaliDem]

12. Lol! Well, kids tend to do that--grow up. I find that they're most interesting when they're

older. Believe you me, my children are very, um, adventurous, and they keep me on my toes even though they don't live with me anymore.

I guess a little angst about growing older is normal, but I just don't let it get to me. When my younger sister passed away at 30, around the same time my father passed away (5 mos apart), I might've fallen into a depression, but I had younger children at that time and understood and embraced that they needed me more than my late sister and father did. I focused on them, although I have to admit it took me a full decade to accept that my younger sister passed away. I couldn't put up a photograph of her until I was good and ready, and that was about ten/twelve years after her passing.

I guess growing older is different for everyone. Please don't fret too much. As with most jarring things in our lives, this too will pass.

[elehhhhna]

2. It sounds like depression and that might be worth looking into

Also the midlife existential crisis.

Acceptance is a key, and self-care is really important for you right now.

[tazkcmo]

3. Remember, anything worth doing is hard.

Most of us grow old and die, so what are you going to do? Consider the alternative (An early death) and make a decision on how you'll live the last quarter of your life. What ever you do, make it snappy because the clock is moving.

Good luck to you and you are not alone!

[sinkingfeeling]

4. Yes, you do need to change. I'm 68 and had Stage IV cancer

8 years ago. I truly believe that one's mental state and imaginings control one's health. I keep making plans.

[Roland99]

10. Bravo!

[whathehell]

5. You're not alone, Roland..

Losing parents is HUGE...It sounds like you may still be mourning for those passed, which is perfectly natural...My sweet father passed 20 years ago and my mom ten years ago....I went through wrenching grief and I'm now "okay" and go on with my life, but I think about them and miss them every day , and yes, I ponder mortality a lot, although at 67, I'm probably older than you.

Take care of yourself, and be sure to talk to someone, a professional, maybe, who can help, if you continue to feel out of sorts.

[WhiteTara]

6. Depression gets to us all from time to time.

We are all going to die. It is important to become familiar with an event we will experience and the Dalai Lama suggests contemplating your death every day. The thing is to be present. Live each day to your fullest capacity. Love unconditionally. Learn to control your anger, greed, jealousy...cravings and aversions. You might try meditating. Just sit with yourself and breathe in and out. Let the thoughts pass without hanging on to them and giving them a whole story line. When you find you have, let the thought go and bring your focus back to your breath. See/feel it go in and out. Try for a few minutes and add to that time as you can. The more you can be in the present without letting the thoughts control you, the happier you will be. Be compassionate with yourself.

[enough]

7. I'm 72, and for me the best and most reliable way out of this sort of spiral

is exercise. Not because "It's good for you," but because it really does seem to change your brain. It doesn't matter what kind of exercise it is, but do it.

You can't think your way out of this. It's the human condition. But you can change your brain by moving your body. I'm saying this as someone very familiar with long term depression.

Hoping the best for you, Roland.

[Runningdawg]

8. I'm 56

and have many of the same thoughts as the OP. In 2014 my last relative died, that effected me more than my parents deaths a decade ago. My emotional state swings back and forth like a pendulum. One minute I am glad I am a survivor, the next minute I remember people in my family die very young or very old. I am past the young part and not looking forward to the many lonely years ahead.

[Roland99]

11. Yes, exercise...something I've been moving closer and closer to getting back into doing again

Work has a new challenge program with various teams and walking. Going to sign up with a couple of my teammates.


We all had a quick vacation last month to Vermont. Went skiing for the first time ever. Enjoyed the heck out of that. But life can't always been vacation...working on getting out of the rut and not just vegging on the couch every night.

[Roland99]

13. Joined that challenge at work.

And started walking w/my son this weekend.

It's amazing what being out in the open (even if it's just through the neighborhood and a school across the street) can do for the mind. And the conversations that start up...

Now, off for a walking break at work!