Over two years without my hubby

[choie]

Hi everyone,

I thought I had posted to this group after Mr. Choie passed away suddenly when he was just 48 in August 2016, but it looks like I didn't. Just wondering if anybody here who lost their spouse found or is finding it difficult to make a life for themselves after a couple of years have passed. I'm a social worker and work full time - my job being the only thing that forces me to get out of bed in the morning. Of course, some days are easier than other, but tonight I'm feeling ythe loss intensely. My life without my best friend and soulmate is very gray and sad.

Choie

[RHMerriman]

1. Sincere condolences...

Sincere condolences...

[choie]

7. Thank you RHMerriman

[Boxerfan]

2. I hope you find his voice.....

The one he used to talk to you with. His mannerism and personality. If you can picture him as he was in your mind you can talk to him in private.

I know it may not be him but you may be finding his actual voice in your inner conversations with your memories of him.

Its hard to explain but I talk to my lost friends whenever I can. In my head or while alone. The spirit I knew is the voice. not a ghost just a memory. But it is of comfort & I find thier voice at times.

[choie]

8. Hi Boxerfan

I find it too painful for me to try to hear his voice. I wish it was comforting to me. Thank you for your perspective and wise words.

[agingdem]

3. You're not alone

My husband of 47 years died suddenly almost two years ago...it doesn't get better...it gets different...and I'm angry, not that he died, a massive stroke will do that, but that he didn't take me with him...I miss his calm..I miss his physical presence...I rarely go out but when come home (our home not my home) I still expect his car in the garage and him dozing in his chair in front of the television...I still think I hear him at night but it's just the wind and the trees brushing up against the house...I remember everything and there isn't a place I can go to that doesn't remind me of him...it's not comforting it's painful...

[choie]

9. I'm so sorry, agingdem

you're right - it's not comforting. Matthew and I were only married three 1/2 years, but the impact he had on my life was total and will last a lifetime. We lived in my studio apartment in Manhattan, where I still live, and his presence is everywhere. I almost can't remember how I lived before I met him, and I don't know how I'm doing so without him.

[ZZenith]

4. I have not lost a spouse but I have lost a child so I know a little about the grieving process.

The first years are so bleak and relentless that getting out of bed is an almost super-human feat. It takes time to find our purpose in this new world and to let go of the old one. Our beloved will always be waiting for us at the end of the line, in whatever form that takes, and our job is to continue to make this world a better place with the days we’ve been given.

I wish you strength and courage on your journey.

[choie]

10. I'm so sorry for your loss, ZZenith

I wish I could believe that they're waiting for us..thank you so much for your wishes..

[ZZenith]

12. You are very kind, choie.

Even if death is an unconscious void, they will have preceded us.

My cosmology is such that I don’t believe experience is ever wasted anywhere in the Universe, and the Cosmic Mind is capable of anything. Maybe I have come to that belief out of necessity but it does give me strength in my darkest hours.

[NanceGreggs]

5. My husband passed three years ago ...

... and I am no better off, emotionally or psychologically, than I was the day he died.

I know it's different for different people. I've known women who have "moved on" quickly - and others who, like me, never really adjust.

I consider myself a "non-participating observer" of life now. I interact with family and friends, but never fully "engage" the way I once did. I am not unhappy, but I am not happy either. Emotionally, I have flat-lined - never feeling deeply about anything, one way or the other.

I wish I could offer more comforting words - but I can't. But letting you know you're not alone in your feelings is the best I can do.

[agingdem]

15. Grieving still

after 2 years I still have to remind myself to breathe...to put one foot in front of the other...I've stopped eating..my daughter says I have an eating disorder...I told her no I have a grieving disorder...I met him when I was 16..he died when I was 68..a lifetime...I have children and grandchildren..they don't need me and I just get in the way..when someone asks if I'm ok I answer truthfully...no..I rarely leave my home...I'm hiding from the sad eyes and the incredibly insensitive comments: so sorry for your loss but at least I still have my husband...so are planning to remarry...call me when you're ready to sell your house..it's not like its a divorce at least you won't run into him at Target....

I've said it before...it doesn't get better...whatever it is...it gets different...

[mobeau69]

6. Choie, Sending you vibes for a peaceful, easy feeling.

We go on because we have to. Because our loved ones would want us to. - BHO

[choie]

11. Thank you mobeau..

You're right, of course.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

13. Oh, my dear choie......

I hope this article will help you, especially now, when the loss is so new. It's a wonderful article about how to get through the grief. It helped me when I lost someone close to me.




https://www.tickld.com/heartwarming/1848120/old-man-explains-death-and-life-to-grieving-young-man

[spinbaby]

14. I lost my husband in September of 2016

I think we never really get over it. I miss him every day.

[Sherman A1]

16. My condolences on your loss.

I have not had such a loss so have little to offer you in advice and certainly would not try to out do that which has been given by those in this thread that have such similar and sad experience to share. Do what you can, where you can and each day will hopefully get a bit easier.

[chillfactor]

17. My husband died when he was 43....

I went into a deep depression for a year.....I did go to work every day.....but I spent my nights in a gloomy, dark atmosphere. My dad convinced me to go back to school and get my master's degree. That decision saved my life. I made new friends.....studied at night...graduated with a 3.5 GPA, and started teaching in higher education. My students were marvelous and gave me great joy. I still miss my husband every day and often "talk" to ihim. Like you he was my best friend and soulmate. I understand what you are going through! Bless you and hang in there!

[3Hotdogs]

18. Some people do make a new life for themselves after loss. Others do so after divorce.

For a long time, it is putting one foot in front of the other, just to get through a day. I did and do the some of the same things we did together but it just isn't the same. I think of her less and less but there are still times when "She would have liked that." or "This is when we would have taken our fall trip to Cape Cod."

She has been gone for five years and she is no longer constantly on my mind but she is there.

On the other hand, my uncle is 89. He found a life partner five years ago and they are happy together. He lost his wife in '74 and he was devastated.

I guess the answer is, you never know.

[badhair77]

19. I just spoke to a friend today whose loss is similar to yours.

She told me about a book entitled The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. She said it helped her. Maybe it will help someone on this thread. My husband is much older than I and I know that day will come.

My heart goes out to those hurting tonight.

[IADEMO2004]

20. Will be three years Saturday. So called life yes but not the happy ever after one.

I closed shop for a couple years when she was sick and reopened the spring after her death. Small town everyone knows your life story and yet can say some of the dumbest things about death. I had no heart for the work and since I was close to retirement after a year packed it in. We benefited greatly having ACA health insurance living modestly and saved regularly. I still get a lump in my throat every day over some memory that pops up. Tending her flower beds usually makes my cheeks wet. Relatives play in local bands and they are a major escape valve until it's time to go home alone. The two of us were very active in local Democratic Party. Being with Democrats is comforting but again she isn't in the picture now. Each year is a little easier. I can laugh again. I have friends and family around. I don't need anything. I have a life but it's not the one we planned.

and I say WE all the time.

[Jane Austin]

21. It's been seven years for me, this month.

The first couple of years were just terrible.

I kept exercising and kept getting out to see people and kept working.

Slowly, slowly things got better.

There are still things I can't do - like listen to certain music, or watch the big dog shows (Some of our best times were when we were showing our dogs at Westminster) but I am generally happy most of the time. But I'm not really joyous about much any more.

I miss him like crazy and dream about him all the time. There are things every day I want to tell him, but he's not here.

One of the biggest problems is that when you are alone, no one really touches you any more, especially if you're old.

Enter - pets! My dogs are all over me and are wonderfully affectionate. I also try to get a massage once a month.

I never come home to an empty house because there are four dogs here who can't WAIT to see me.

To sum up, take care of yourself and if you are depressed, get medical help.

Yes, the pure joy of sharing your life with someone wonderful is gone, but happiness is possible and you can make a very good life for yourself.

[AJT]

22. My husband passed in June. We are coming up on the holidays and I am going

to kind of hide away this year. I don't want to be around a lot of people, even family. I hope next year I will be able to be around his family without crying.

[Blue_playwright]

24. It's not the same as a spouse but

I lost my favorite aunt and her sister, my mom, within six weeks of each other this spring. I’m still devastated. Last Christmas, my mom was ill and canceled our usual Christmas Eve celebration. Instead we all planned to drop off gifts and goodies for my aunt at the nursing home and then play Christmas Day by ear. After visiting my aunt, my little family went to Mom’s and she had rallied some and fixed a simple dinner and lit the fire so we stayed. She didn’t want us to go get my aunt so I didn’t. I feel horribly guilty that I didn’t. I regret that missed chance for our last Christmas all together deeply and I’m not ready for the holidays without them both. I would like to skip

Whew. Guess I needed to vent there. Hub is a shrink and he keeps wanting me to get counseling but I think my grief is fairly normal. So is yours. Take your time. I do agree with the others that said to change things up. We are doing all the holidays differently this year and breaking traditions so they will be less of a landmine.

Good luck to you.

[AJT]

27. I am so sorry you had to deal with so much in such a short time.

I know things will get better. My nature is to be terribly introverted, my husband was the one who would get us doing things. At some point I will have to fight my nature and do some socializing.

[GeoWilliam750]

23. Wishing you an easing of the pain

And hoping that you can find a way or place to share all your the enormous love it seems that you still have.

[murielm99]

25. It is so hard.

I understand. I lost my first husband when he was 49. My daughter lost her husband after only 17 months with him.

It is difficult to make another life, very difficult. I found that my pets helped. Eventually I healed. But I still have vivid memories and sometimes vivid dreams.

People will tell you that it gets better. It is true.

[Hoyt]

26. My wife died suddenly at 49 almost 10 years ago. It took about 5 years to get

things going in the right direction, but I feel pretty good nowadays. I still get sad sometimes, but know it will pass. I hope you get to that point, but understand “gray and sad.” Take care of yourself.

[Moostache]

28. My deepest condolences

I am about to hit 48 and I have to be honest that my health is not what it needs to be. I can't bring back your loss but maybe small comfort can be had in knowing you have inspied me to try harder to address my own issues.

I truly hope you find peace soon and I always find volunteer to Tutor troubled kids helps me feel purpose most keenly. Godspeed you healing

[williesgirl]

29. My husband passed 18 years ago. I don't think I'll ever recover

From the loss. Example: yesterday was his birthday. I got a cake that said: Happy birthday to our guardian angel Bud. Everyone in the house came down to sing Happy Birthday to him and have a slice of cake.
I so miss him, my soulmate, best friend and lover. Folks have asked me over these years why I won't date. My response is and has been that I found my mate and am not looking for a replacement.
I respect that others have been able to move on. I can't.

[Rorey]

30. For me

It's been 26 years since my guy died. I've since remarried and have been with this husband longer that I was with the one who died. For me, it's as if I'm now sort of a different person. "J" was my "soul mate". We seemed to share a brain, knowing what the other was thinking without the need to speak.

Sometimes, even after all these years, the hurt is pretty intense. The intense pain may last a few moments or a few hours and then life goes on again. I feel so lucky that I was able to have that kind of relationship with someone.... that kind of closeness. It didn't last forever, but it was amazing. I do feel fortunate that I was able to love someone and be loved by that someone. Some folks go through their whole lives and never get to have what I had.

For me, the hurt of having lost him is the price I have to pay for what I got to have. Very painful, but completely worth it. It's hard to explain, but sometimes my grief is like an old friend, as weird as that sounds.

[MLAA]

31. I am sending you kind energy.

When I was in my 20s My boyfriend was killed in a motorcycle accident. It was shocking.

I am sending energy to you. Who knows if it helps, but it can’t hurt. Energy to help you muster your own energy that is laying dormant. Energy just to get yourself a nice cup of coffee or tea after work. Energy to go to one of the wonderful museums in your back yard and spend even a few minutes seeing what glorious art still exists. Energy to maybe even be kinder to yourself and feed your soul since your most beloved one is not here to do it.

May not make a bit of difference, but I wanted to acknowledge your pain and do something, even something this insignificant to help you.