Looking for advice, bereavement related.

[Coventina]

As some might know, as I announced it a few weeks ago, my FIL recently passed away.

Since then, my husband has been extremely short-tempered, borderline abusive to me. He blows up over the littlest thing, and says extremely hurtful, intentionally wounding things to me. (He knows my insecurities and savagely exploits them).

I would brush this off as a temporary reaction to his father's death (anger being part of the grieving process and all), but it is so out of character for him.

Also, my sister's marriage ended after her husband's father died. To be fair, they had more marital issues going into that, but after his dad died, my brother-in-law went really off the rails and went full on psycho-abuser. She had to divorce him, and it was super ugly, so I'm a little spooked.

Is this a thing men go through when their dads die? Is this just bad synchronicity?

I lost my mom in 2003, and I was really angry about it (still am, actually) but I didn't take it out on my loved ones.

I love my husband, and he's usually a great guy, I just don't recognize him anymore.

[drray23]

1. I lost my father three years ago

and I did not go psycho on my wife. Maybe your husband is also feeling the stress from the covid situation.

[Coventina]

3. Thanks for your personal insight. That is very helpful to know.

I'm sure the current situation doesn't help, but we (my husband and I) are very lucky as our employment has not been affected.

I'm working from home (college professor), and his employer is still operating (he works for a defense contractor).

So, it's not financial or anything.

[drray23]

7. some people get really frustrated and angry when they lose control of a situation

Your husband losing his father may feel like he is lost. If he is a person who is used to be in control of things in his life, then his difficulties in coping with his father's death may be channeled into lashing out at other people. Maybe he needs to talk to another person such as a grief counselor to work through this.

[zackymilly]

2. When my father was to die, I had to make the decision to take him off life support.

My sisters wouldn't do it. This was years ago, and I'm still a little angry at them for putting it all on me to decide. A lot of men are trained by society to not show grief or tears, so instead they lash out. I don't know your husband, but maybe this is what he's doing.
Just try to be patient and give him time. I was somewhat the same way to my wife, pushing her buttons now and then. I finally broke down in her arms after a couple of weeks and cried like a child. After that, all was better.

[Coventina]

4. Thank you for sharing your personal story.

Like I said in my OP, this is very out of character for him, so I am hoping it is temporary.

I really appreciate your insight.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

5. Did he never say "extremely hurtful, intentionally wounding things"

before this?

In any case, you need to call him out on this. Grief over his father's death does not give him license to abuse you. Make that VERY clear. Simply by not telling him it's unacceptable gives implicit permission to continue doing so.

If you were describing a one-off, that would be different. But it sounds as if its ongoing for the past few weeks.

[Coventina]

12. We've been together 23 years, and I can count on one hand

the number of times that he's said things from an intentionally mean and hurtful place. (before his dad died)
So it definitely is something that is not normal for him.

But yes, it has been going on for a few weeks now.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

22. I hope you can talk to him about this.

Especially since it's such a sudden and dramatic thing.

[randr]

6. Some issues are buried deep

If your husband had never before displayed such behavior I would urge him to seek help. The death of a parent can open deeply buried behavioral patterns that may need professional help to unravel. Try to get him to recognize a change in himself and hope he seeks answers.

[Coventina]

13. Thanks. I had been trying not to react at all, thinking it might blow over as a stage of grief.

But, from what you say, it might be time to speak up.

[Turbineguy]

8. Maybe he's not fully aware

of his behavior. Sometimes it's difficult to step outside onesself and listen to what awful things one is saying.

[Coventina]

14. Thanks. I will think about this.

I really appreciate all the thoughtful replies.

[in2herbs]

9. The day my H was diagnosed with cancer he went batshit crazy. A neighbor at the time was a

licensed therapist and she told me that some people -- mostly men -- react to death -- the death of anyone they are close to -- in this way. Some women do, too, but mostly men. I am too close to the reality of our situations to give any advice but I will say one thing, and your situation may change for the better but --- don't expect him to have an epiphany, especially in today's environment where quarantining is required.

[Coventina]

15. Thank you for sharing your story.

I hope things are better for you and your husband now?



It helps to have the insight. It is very much appreciated.

[in2herbs]

20. It's been 3 years since his DX. Under the law no doctor can force a person to take meds they

don't want to take. My H has refused all treatment. Afraid to die and afraid to live. Your (our) scenario forces you to live in two realities, the one that he is living in and the one that you hope to someday live in -- with or without him. Seek out friends so that you don't shut off that life-line that you need.

Good luck,

Namaste

[janterry]

10. Anger is usually easier to access

particularly for men (ime).

The old adage was that sadness turned outwards was anger and that anger turned inwards was sadness (from Freud of all people).

In quiet moments, what does he think? Does he think he is struggling? Does he think his anger is a problem? Does he think his grief is a problem?

Find a quiet time -and ask him.

[Coventina]

16. People like to discount Freud now, but he did have some very valid insights.

Thank you for your very good questions. I will think on them and take your advice.

[yonder]

11. My dad passed in 2003. Sure it shook things up a bit,

but it didn't change anything between me and my wife. And I'm still the luckiest guy around.

I hope things settle down for you.

[Coventina]

17. Thank you!

[IADEMO2004]

18. I agree with #6 randr Get professional help. Any number of things could be going on.

Rage towards a spouse is just wrong. Stress filled times we are in is no reason for abuse. I had a year of losing my dad and stepdad on consecutive days, mom, wife, sister-in-law, and three long time friends. In-laws at my house for the holidays attempting to keep things the same may have worked for them but I so much wanted to say no. Survived that year and several since. If you don't feel safe make a move don't live in fear.

Peace

[Coventina]

19. The abuse has been all verbal, not physical.

After being in one physically abusive relationship, I swore to myself never again.

But, yeah, the verbal is not OK either.

I was hoping it was just a stage that would pass.

[IADEMO2004]

24. Whatever path I hope you will soon find a happy place.

[Tree-Hugger]

21. Seek help

I am sorry for your family's loss.

Anger is often a normal part of grief, but it can take over and turned into it's very own grief. Even though grief may be at the base of it, verbal abuse is never okay. My mom died on New Year's Day and I've most definitely said some hurtful things, but it's not okay and it's not an excuse. For me, it's triggered a lot of anxiety and my PTSD. It could be that grief is unlocking something in your husband's psyche.

My own husband's mom died years ago and that started a downward spiral of abuse, addiction, and other trouble. Her death forced him to acknowledge some truths regarding their relationship, but he's never truly delved into it with professionals.

Be well and be safe.

[lettucebe]

23. Is there anything else that's happening such as job insecurity?

We are all under enormous strain now with the coronavirus -- if he's insecure about his ability to provide for instance, that can cause some men to lash out. Makes no sense but it does happen.

Just asking because so few of us are really secure right now, so take anything else going on into consideration. Cooped up at home, lost a job, lost ability to go out etc. He has lost something and is angry. He also may be staring down his own mortality. He may be having a mid-life crisis, Taking it out on you is not ok but he may feel he's losing control (he is) and that is very frightening. He may also be terrified of losing you too, and his attacks are a weird way of assuring himself you are still there. I'd let him know you love him and are not going anywhere (this to settle him down in the moment).

When he goes off on you, repeat to yourself over and over, "it's not about me, he's angry, it's not about me." Try not to listen to what he's saying since it's only meant to hurt. Sometimes the energy in the room can be changed -- trying to keep your own emotions in check helps, and saying anything calming to yourself in the moment can help. Sounds crazy but give it a try.

I'd give it some time but not forever -- verbal abuse is not okay. You may also seek counseling for yourself. It can be pretty difficult to get someone in the middle of rage to say ok to counseling.

There's also the possibility he's got something like Parkinson's which causes this sort of behavior. Here's a video about how to deal with angry outbursts

Please don't let that thought upset you, it's just that some ailments do cause this, so it's just something else to consider.

I wish you the best.

[SheltieLover]

25. Hi Coventina

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss & the related difficulties with your hubby.

As others have said, it is never OK for someone to be abusive, even verbally. And know that such a mindset can cause escalation to possible physical abuse.

In my experience, having interned in bereavement as a therapist, although everyone experiences & processes grief differently, such severe reactions can indicate what we call complex grief, or unresolved grief, often with underlying unresolved business or issues.

I highly recommend you have him contact a hospice organization for bereavement counseling. They will, far as I know, provide 13 months of free counseling following a loved one's death. 13 months because that supports the person through "the year of firsts," first birthday, anniversaries, etc. Of course the hospice orgs are, no doubt slammed at this time, I am sure they will do their best to help.

If he won't call, then I suggest you call & speak directly with a professional about this situation. 👍

I hope this is helpful.

[Frustratedlady]

26. If this is highly unusual, I would watch him closely for medical problems.

Knowing he has something wrong and having just lost his father may bring his own mortality to the surface and he's fighting back in strange ways.

I also went through this when my husband suspected he had colon cancer. Very unexpected change in personality. He wasn't abusive, physically, but mentally. Divorce even came into the picture as a possibility, because the sudden change was a shock. Once he was diagnosed, his personality returned to normal and we were fine.

If a friend hadn't also gone through this, I wouldn't have been as prepared as I was. Her husband had experienced a heart attack at a fairly young age and he was scared. He treated her terribly when alone, but was friendly to the doctors and hospital staff. She was devastated, but stuck with him. That was 30 or so years ago and he is still alive and back to normal personality.

Good luck.

[orleans]

27. if i could write your response the next time he lashes out at you i'd have you say this:

"look, you've been attacking me ever since your dad died. i know you're sad, i know you're hurting, but it wasn't my fault. i didn't take him away from you. you need to stop acting like i did."

i went to a bereavement group (a million years ago after i lost my dad) and found it really helpful. if nothing else you could talk about the things you're feeling & going through; it let me know i wasn't alone in my grief.