It has been 4 years since my husband died

[Marthe48]

Even though it is hard, I keep moving along. Some days I miss him more than others. Sometimes I have detailed dreams which he features in. I notice that in my dreams other people rarely speak, but we communicate. This year, we would have had our 50th anniversary. I'm thinking about how to observe that milestone.

I thought yesterday that I might put some of his pictures away, but felt such a pang that I decided I wouldn't. I was counting the days since his death on my calendar. I knew I was paying less attention to the passing days. One of the other DUers sent me a wall calendar, and as I filled in my monthly notes, I realized I hadn't counted days since the beginning of November. I felt like I am stronger than I think I am.

My neighbor's husband passed away a year ago tomorrow. I've tried to be there for her this last year. I listen as she talks and I hope she finds a way to live with her loss. It takes time.

I appreciate being able to post in this topic. All of you who read or read and post have helped me move along this hard path. Thank you.

[safeinOhio]

1. It does take time.

[Botany]

2. I wish you well

[Marthe48]

17. The wine dark sea

We loved going to OBX and other beaches. My friend recently painted a portrait of John as a gift. I gave her a picture of him standing on the beach. It is nice to have.

Thank you

[niyad]

3. You are clearly very brave and very strong. I have no useful advice, just a (((((Marthe48))))).

Be safe and well.

[Marthe48]

18. Thank you :)

especially for the hug

[redwitch]

4. Much love to you.

We learn to live with grief but it becomes part of who we are. I almost lost my husband this year due to electrical issues with his heart. We got lucky and he got a pacemaker. We will celebrate 39 years in May.

[Marthe48]

19. Always glad when i hear stories like this

Happy Anniversary a little early

[SheltieLover]

5. Make a shrine to him

Include anything that he loved or that you enjoyed together!

Indigenous cultures do this & place small bits of favorite foods on a plate throughout the day as they cook.

Typically placed on a west wall, as west is the direction for ancestors & those who have transitioned to spirit before us.

Love knows no separation.

[Karadeniz]

9. Good idea...

[Marthe48]

20. oh, SheltieLover

The whole house is a shrine. Or could be. I have been putting his very personal things in the dresser he used. I think it is on a west wall, too. Thank you for naming his spot for me
Last year, I found a brown envelope crammed with papers that he had saved, that had meaning for him. He kept things our kids wrote to him, poetry I wrote, poetry he wrote (one of my favorites is 'Marth, Could you get me a beer (please)?' A love poem. On our 25th Anniversary, I made a list of a highlight from each year we were married. That was in there. Maybe as time passes, I will put those thinks in an album.

[Frustratedlady]

6. It's tough, but you will eventually move on and not have memories dominate your life.

However, we all grieve in different ways and over different timeframes. Women I thought would be OK, totally fell apart and basically quit living. They allowed the loss to take over their lives. You need enough time to grieve. No one should deny you that. It sounds like you are progressing just fine.

I think that having family helps a great deal, as they occupy your thoughts and fill the lonely hours. I found that the hardest parts to get through were the first holidays without your spouse or the hour(s) when you sat down together and discussed your day. I found that redoing a room helped a lot. Painting, choosing window treatments and furniture...just enough to change the appearance a bit helped a great deal. Picking up a new hobby also helped. I had always wanted to get back into painting. Even if I failed, it was a change that occupied my mind. Cooking meals for friends or family also helped and they welcomed it, as well.

Volunteering is also a good option. You find others who are hurting and handling their issues and it is a good incentive for you to do the same. We can always find others who are more needy than the situation you find yourself in.

I'm glad to hear you are slowly accepting and reconciling your loss. That has to give you the encouragement you need to adjust even further. Good luck.

[Marthe48]

21. I changed bedrooms and other things

My grandkids live nearby, but between their ages and Covid-19, I haven't seen much of them. John and I watched them from when they were born, and up until last year, I picked them up from school and watched them till my daughter got home. Now, I see them occasionally and we text. Definitely retired. I volunteer for a high-school exchange, but Covid-19 has put activity on hold.

All of your ideas are great and I am doing a lot of them, here and there. Most of the people I loved are passed on. I think I've done better accepting this loss than earlier ones.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

[Wawannabe]

7. My former boyfriend died suddenly in Oct

We had a ok relationship. But I cannot move on yet.
Think of him daily. So many memories waiting to conk me in the head.

I am glad you are moving in a direction that helps.
Gives me hope.

[Marthe48]

22. My deepest sympathy to you

Even if my husband's initial diagnosis was shocking, he lived for 10 months and we had time to realize we were losing him. To lose a loved one with no warning at all is so hard. Take care of yourself.

[TNNurse]

8. However you manage to get through this

is the right way. We are all allowed to grieve as we need.

My father died suddenly when I was child. In my teen and young adult years I "talked things over with him in my head". I did not tell anyone until I read someone's account of doing the same. I was 41 when Mother died after a long illness, I never have felt the need to do the same with her...but I also know what all her answers would have been to my questions.

[Marthe48]

23. I lost my dad when I was 20

I thought of him a lot, and gained a lot of insight over the years. When I realized he really loved me, I felt peace. I took care of my Mom until she passed away in 2007, and I have such good memories of her, and what a good Mom she was. All of my brothers died in different accidents in different years, but she was a rock for all of us, even though she was hollowed out herself.

[TNNurse]

26. When my died died there were three of us at home

My sister, 16, my brother 13 and me...10. a couple of years later my sister went away to college and seven years later so did I. Once we were all gone, Mother had a pretty significant mental collapse after holding together for us. She was widowed at 45.

[Marthe48]

29. It is hard for people to understand

if they haven't lived through a stunning loss. When my oldest brother died in 1960, there were no support groups and their marriage fell apart. One death in a family makes so many ripples and they go on and on.

You found your path and you have a lot to be proud of

[Karadeniz]

10. One has to wonder if those were dreams or visitations...

[Marthe48]

16. I think we are seeing each other

I dreamed of him 3 nights in a row last week, after a long break. I remember we were in the kitchen and he picked up a bottle of pepper-infused olive oil to put on his food. In the dream I thought, 'he doesn't like spices that much.' When I woke up, I was thinking of that dream, realized my daughter just got me that olive oil in November.

My sister's husband had an aunt who was psychic. She told us that people who were traumatized when they passed needed to heal on the other side. As time went on, I dreamed of John as very ill, but he gradually looked healthier and healthier in the dreams, till it seemed like he was his old self. The dreams last week, he was well in the first one, then the next night, I dreamed he had to go to the hospital. When I woke up, I had to assure myself that I wasn't reliving his illness. Then I wondered if souls can be sick. The third night, he was home with me, but that dream left me with questions about myself, that I am chewing on.

If it is a visitation, I hope he will go on, and be where he can enjoy being a soul. I read a book called Waiting for the Galactic Bus, and really embraced the author's view of life after death.

Thank you for posting

[Karadeniz]

40. They say the differences between dreams and visitations are that visitations are much clearer and

That visitations stay in your memory much longer. I can wake up from just having had a dream and literally two minutes later, the plot is all jumbled up in my mind and then all trace of it is gone. But, the "soul
experience" I had at age 17 is still totally intact.

I have read two accounts, I think two, of spirits who have communicated to their usual mediums their witnessing soul repair to terribly damaged, abused souls. Those were conducted by a master in the spirit world. So, I guess a soul can be damaged, but what I think of is a child spending years in a closet, being starved, continually punished. For just minor soul lack of readiness to accept death or move on, I've read that souls just sleep and sleep until their minds are sufficiently removed from whatever earthly confusions or doubts they had.

I'm happy to hear you're ready for your husband's soul to move on. The other side, if one has lived decently, is reportedly wonderful beyond our imagination! Unfortunately, I doubt I'll qualify for the level I experienced at 17. Still, I can't wait to hear gardens that play music according to the color of the flowers...both sound and color have frequency, I guess.

[cstanleytech]

11. I think everyone that loses a loved one like you shares the same pain.

I know that I feel the same way about mother who died in 2014 and to this day it hurts and though its not as deep as it was I know it will always hurt but I still cherish the time we had and my memory of her is atleast with me.

[Marthe48]

30. I do better if someone is really old

Not always. My Mom was 87 and my mother-in-law was 94. It seems easier to make myself accept that they lived a long life and they deserved to move on.

[Danmel]

12. Wishing you sweet memories of your beloved husband.

Loss is a contiuum, it ebbs and flows. Wishing you peace.

[Marthe48]

24. Thank you

Just like love

[Harker]

13. It's not always easy to accept death as a part of life.

No amount of philosophical understanding, no degree of preparation truly readies one for the loss of a mate.

There's no "right way" to adjust. There's no "best way" to grieve. There's no "right time" to move on.

There's your way. And your time.

Thank you for being a part of our lives, and for letting us be a part of yours.

[Marthe48]

25. No it doesn't

I'm different from when he was here, in some good ways, some antisocial, I bet.

Thank you for your thoughtful words.

[NNadir]

14. My experience with grief is that it never goes away, but...

...you learn to live with it.

Grief is a part of love, since you cannot grieve if you cannot love, just as you cannot die unless you have lived.

It may seem strange to say, but I congratulate for having loved.

May you have peace.

[Marthe48]

27. Better to have loved and lost

then never to have loved at all. Some of the truest words are the ones spoken most often. Thank you so much

[BobTheSubgenius]

15. Your post contains a lot of hope, Marthe.

Perhaps these talks with your neighbour are as cathartic for you as they are for her? I hope you both get to a place of at least acceptance, emotionally. and soon.

DU is always here.

[Marthe48]

28. Thank you

I try to listen to her, as my best friend listened to me. She is still processing her loss. For myself, sometimes if I talk, the words that run around in my head are set free and I feel like I moved another step. I try to encourage her, and let her know that she is hanging in there as good as she can.

Thank you

[Kimber432]

31. My heart goes out to you

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband.

[Marthe48]

32. Thank you

It helped to post today and have a chance to talk about my loss.

[gademocrat7]

33. Dear Martha48

Sending hugs and love to you. Take care.

[Marthe48]

37. Thank you

[central scrutinizer]

34. The fourth anniversary of my wife's death is a month away

Deep feelings of love for a special person guarantee deep feelings of grief when they’re gone.

I too have been having dreams involving her. I’ve got a shrine where I often light a candle. I still haven’t cleaned out her side of the closet. My side is full of shirts she made. After four years, I no longer break down and sob when talking or thinking about her. 2017 was such an anguishing year that it might have made 2020 easier to cope with. Maybe we are more resilient than we know.

So many anniversaries besides her death to revive the grief: wedding anniversary, her birthday, the date of the cancer diagnosis, our daughter’s birthday, her burial

John Pavlovitz has some good essays on grief that ring true.

I wish you well.

[Marthe48]

38. I am sorry for your loss

When we find someone who fills all of the spaces in our heart and soul, the loss is hard to overcome. I found one of John's cardiograms, a printout from about 2001. I was so comforted by having it, I found a picture of him that I liked, mounted the picture on the cardiogram and framed it. I keep that one on my dresser, near the urn.

We collected the whole time we were married, so the whole house is full of things we bought or got for presents, or belonged to family members. I can look at things and remember details of when we bought it, and I'm afraid that telling our kids where and when we got something might be boring. Who knows, they miss him as much as I do and maybe they get comfort knowing home is still home and full of good memories.

Thank you for posting, central scrutinizer. We are in a club no one wants to join. Take care of yourself.

[mopinko]

35. maybe instead of putting pics away-

pic your favorites, and move them to a more prominent place.

as far as your anniversary, do you have kids? do something big. celebrate what you had. a day like that should never go unnoticed.

[Freedomofspeech]

36. Sending you love and peace...

[Marthe48]

39. Thank you

[littlemissmartypants]

41. So sorry for your pain but I completely understand.

My Daddy died December 9th, 2020. I cry every Wednesday if not several times a day now. Everything reminds me of him.

I hope you continue to find comfort in the things and happy memories your sweetheart left behind. I also think a shrine is a good idea. Stay encouraged.

❤ lmsp

[Marthe48]

42. I'm sorry for your loss

Give yourself time. Cry as often as you feel like it. There are stages of grief, but they aren't really one after another. Sometimes you can feel reconciled and right after, feel like your heart is breaking.

If your Dad supported anything, maybe you can look into his interests and maybe get involved in something he liked. My Dad and one of my brothers were volunteer firemen. I didn't become a fireman, but I support local fire departments, just because being one of those volunteers meant so much to both of them.

Take care of yourself. Thank you for taking the time to post.