Mourning the death of my former husband (father of my 3 kids).

[CTyankee]

He died a couple of weeks ago at age 88. Ironically, I had visited him in the rehab after he suffered a stroke. My son and his wife brought me, on the way to my daughter's summer home. He died about a week after we saw him.

I have been married to my second husband now for over 30 years so you'd think I'd be over "the former guy." But I still rehash events from my first marriage that were awful, regrettable, hurtful and can't stop them. I'm guessing this is normal and it's one of those stages of grief. There is certainly anger, that's really big right now.

How long does this stage generally last? I feel like I am stuck in a revolving door...

[DanieRains]

1. Takes Time

Will get better over time.

[CTyankee]

2. Thanks. Just knowing that helps.

I found out a bit later that there was a brief family gathering his widow held. I'm sure I'll see her at Thanksgiving. By then I expect that she may have "moved on." Let's hope.

[chia]

3. Every person is different, every stage of grief unique to that person.

Go easy on yourself, let the feelings come, acknowledge them, and allow them to pass, one by one. One day at a time.

Sending you a hug

[Lulu KC]

4. It is a special form of grief

I realized after a person died that in my unconscious mind I'd been fantasizing that he would make a deathbed apology. When, of course, that didn't happen, I felt bitterness off and on for months. I had not seen it coming. I thought I was so over the pain and was amazed by how much I'd been carrying around unconsciously. I had to write, write, write to get it out. If a picture of this individual passes by I still feel a peculiar feeling but it's lost its sharpness and it's blended into the "there are more shades of grey than black and white" awareness, since of course there were happy memories, too. It's been a year.
I think it's normal, but until you've experienced it, it just sounds totally irrational. Our hearts know and sometimes they just have to work things out in their own way.

[CTyankee]

5. My problem is that his ex was his former student and it was their affair that caused my divorcing

But that was so long ago I have had to give up my grudge. It was well earned but that is worthless to me or even the kids. Now that he's gone, she's just a poor, lonely widow. He was notoriously unable to hold a job when I was married to him and nothing changed when he married her. She'll probably monetize the house and find an apartment somewhere.

[Lulu KC]

8. Sounds like things worked out in your favor

But still, that grudge has a little energy to burn off.
I have attended funerals and wondered how many people are, at that very moment, remembering something that really hurt or angered them. That's just how it works. We have the norm of not discussing it in the open, usually, but that doesn't mean it isn't in there making us a little crazy as it all runs its course in the healing process.

[CTyankee]

11. I'll have to see the "grieving" widow at Thanksgiving.

I don't have much sympathy for her, to be honest. I really don't.

[2naSalit]

6. I am dealing with that...

Except with the passing of my mother last New Year's Eve. She left a lot of damaged people in her wake, many of us are in therapy and talked about this at her funeral in June. I hadn't realized how extensive the damage was until she passed and a collective exhalation of grievances emerged from my siblings and their children. I had suppressed my dismay for decades so I'm still revisiting a number of issues that came to life during all that time being the child of a severely dysfunctional family.

I counsel my siblings but I have to rely on a professional because the younger ones can't handle my issues.

Healing takes time, the bandaid has been removed by that man's passing, it will take some time but you'll get there when you have sufficiently addressed the concerns that come up, many of which, you will find, you can readily dismiss.

[CTyankee]

9. Yes. I am now planning a trip to Barcelona and Paris with my daughter, mostly for art.

She is my editor/designer for my art books. I'm working on my second book but have not been functioning well since the death. I'm slowly coming out of it and sat down to write a few days ago. I'm on my way, I hope!

[2naSalit]

12. The fact that...

You are seeking relief from this stage of grieving is a sign that you'll soon be over with the biggest part. There will always be lingering snippets from the past but they will be a passing thing rather than something that inhibits your regular daily life as they can be now.

For some, writing as you are doing, is good therapy. I have found that when I have unfinished concerns with someone who has passed, I will write them a letter and then read it in front of a fire of some sort and then burn it to ashes so that my words can reach them in the spirit world through the cleansing fire and turning them to smoke to pass through the barriers of the spiritual separations (or so the practice is alleged to do). Psychologically, it helps symbolize the transfer of information that was not transferred in this realm which releases the angst of having that concern weigh you down and gives you license to move forward.

Anyway, just a thought. I hope your journey to Europe will help you with the change in scenery! Have a great time.

[CTyankee]

13. Well, my book is about art history and I can get lost in the eras of art that I write about.

This book is an examination of the history of artists trying to portray music and they do so in many different ways. Degas ballerinas, Picasso's old man with a guitar, the Catholic Church which venerates St. Cecilia as the patron saint of music. It's all European and American but not all white people.

[2naSalit]

14. Far from superficial...

The deeper the subject, the easier to immerse oneself in it. Good for you, I'm sure you'll be fine. And do share some of your work! I love your posts about art.

[CTyankee]

16. Thanks for the good words and encouragement. I will indeed let others know when it is finished and

in print. I'll have some copies set aside for DUers who like my work and send it free of any charge. PM me your name and address and you'll be added to the list. Thank you again!

[Grasswire2]

7. an odd thing happened when my ex (abusive narcissist) passed a few years ago.

Two of our children (now in their forties) coped by rewriting family history in their minds in order to portray him as having been a great guy, a good father, and so on. The other son, the older and most abused target of the narcissism, had a very hard time with the grief for a relationship that had never existed. I resented the replacement theory of a mean man's life. No one could seem to tell the truth for fear his widow might be upset.

Good luck. Only time can help.

[CTyankee]

10. That is hard to take! It's unfair and deeply insensitive.

what goddamned nerve!

[lostnfound]

15. Mourning the loss of a more innocent self untarnished by bitter resentment

When someone dies, the memory of everything they were to us — all they meant to us — comes barreling in.

Your 30 year new marriage was absolutely dependent on the existence of those things that still make you angry. That is a mystery that deserves to be examined, how the Phoenix owes its life to the ashes.

In my mind, I think we are connected under the ocean even to people we think we hate. An inescapable part of being human.

[CTyankee]

17. Of course, I am always connected to him through our children.

Even as I try to be charitable towards him, there is the unpleasant reality that he has tried in the past to take credit for my art books. The reason: it was because he treated me so miserably that I sought refuge in art, starting a project that culminated in my book. See how that works? Not a word about my marriage to my now (and forever) husband who DID appreciate my work. Even the three kids we had just shake their heads at that!

This is a guy who went to his own sister's funeral and got up and said "D__ always said I was the smart one in the family because I went to Harvard." Mourners nearly threw him out bodily from the service!

Thanks for letting me vent on you a bit.