I think I figured out why my mom's death has been especially hard.
Well for one thing I have no children or a partner now. But also when she was alive I was connected to my only brother and his family, especially when she was sick for so long. We had something in common and also I went with her to some of his family functions, (I've not been invited since she has gone)
My brother is a white evangelical Trump supporter. He shunned me for years because I am bisexual, (well when I had a long relationship with a woman he was a real shit. The night my partner died I called him at about 11pm because I was just crying and for some ill thought out reason I believed he could help. He answered but he wife got right on the phone and was nice to me but our conversation was very short. Immediately after we hung up he called back and said, "How dare you call us so late and wake us up!" Mind you we hadn't even had the wake yet for her. They never even sent a card.
But my parents, and then my mom kept me in touch with them - because they were family.
After mom died he and his wife came down for the memorial and then a couple months after he emailed me to tell me they had some other estate business, (he was trustee.......an entire other horrible situation and long story) and would I like to visit with them. Covid had just started and I had developed Eosinophilic asthma and was very sick so I said, "Yes but you have to wear a mask" To which he replied, "Well we'll catch you another time then" When I tried to protest he said, "We can sit outside" This was about May in South Florida and I could hardly breathe so I wouldn't even consider sitting outside in the heat.
I still tried to call him but we ended up in fights because.......Trump. He actually told me we had nothing in common and would prefer not to talk.
So, it just occurred to me that I didn't just lose my mom I lost my only sibling,. I am only close with one other cousin in the US but out relationship is sometimes strained because.....Trump. I'm kind of close with another cousin in Canada but not really so much.
Even thought he is a great big shit I still feel like I lost my whole family. I've never felt so alone. It has been a couple years and I have not gotten over it.
Also, in the last few years before my mom died she was very sick and I was her caretaker. For a while she lived with me. And we became so close or at least I felt so close to her. Gone were any resentments of the past.
I am crying over this now I think because I went to McDonalds today, not something I usually do. And I remembered how for years every time she came over she would stop there and bring my dogs a hamburger. When she would pull into my driveway I would let them out and they would run to her car and follow her like she was the Pied Piper.
Anyway I am so fucking sad and I'm crying like she died yesterday. The cruelty of my brother makes everything seem so much worse.
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But you're never alone here! 
That is the only thing that works.
That is too much for anyone to lose.
didnt rly have any big issues, but was always the black sheep.
my big sister insulted me while we were waiting for it to be over. my only bro isnt a trumper, but he is an asshole and i can die happy never seeing him again.
have had issues w most of them since and cant see a way back.
every family needs a node, a grio, a confessor.
i'm sorry for your loss. maybe her memory be a blessing.
Your family sounds like it could compete with my on the shittiness (is that even a word?) level, but it's the loneliness that ices the cake.
I hate you are going through this. I've been there and wish I had some words of wisdom to help you get through it.
Hang in there. You have an online community that is and will be here for you.
someone who is family acts so unattached to other family members.
Just want you to know you are not alone in this.
My brother, older not wiser, never ever called until one day out of the blue
he called to tell us he heard the aerospace company my husband worked
for, for twenty years at the time, was laying off workers.
That is how he started the conversation, didn't ask anything about how we
were doing, didn't even greet us with a "hello."
He was just going on about the layoffs.
My husband told him that, in his job classification he had seniority
and would be the last out the door. My husband mentioned that
layoffs had already happened at his plant and he was secure.
The phone went Click and that was the end of the call.
I would like to think it was his way of making sure we were OK.
I don't know...Glass half full and all.
Tikki
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us, Maraya. It is not easy to be vulnerable and I applaud your courage. I also commend your insight and thoughtful journey into your own grief.
When a central figure like a matriarch dies, it is not uncommon for the family ties to loosen. That would have been hard enough to bear, but the MAGA infection of your brother's and cousin's hearts is just such an awful circumstance to pile on top of that.
I do understand why your grief would rise up to grip you anew after you went to McDonald's. I miss my father deeply when I have any kind of congestion. Whenever anyone in the family would have a cold, my dad would make aglio e olio, (garlic and oil) which we grew up pronouncing with a bastardized Sicilian accent.
It would clear the sinuses and rev up the immune system and keep everyone else away from you so they wouldn't catch your cold. 
Just thinking about my father preparing all the spices in a heavy cast iron skillet brings home the memory of being cared for.
You deserve to be cared for, Maraya. And you deserve to live as your true, authentic self without fear of judgment or rejection.
As I have said, my heart is with you.
