Bereavement
Related: About this forumGone too soon at 95 1/2. My darling darling died.
My hubby died a week ago here in our bedroom, receiving hospice care, and where I could "love him up". He had Alzheimer's for nearly 10 years which took away, among so many things, his fear of death. He was and will always be my everything. We were so lucky to tell each other all the time "I love you". To which he would often respond with "Aren't we a lucky boy and girll?" ❤️
He received hospice care for 17 days. He was eating 3 meals a day for 15 days. His vitals were great until the last day. I love and am grateful to morphine in a way I never imagined. We could be together in the home we both love. Sadly the news we would watch together was nearly unbearable. So we watched his faves Monk and Seinfeld, as well as The Andy Griffith Show. And in the last week's The Weather Channel. News without watching "the news". We had visitors. The day I told him we were receiving visits from 6 relatives nearly killed me. He asked "what's the occasion?".
Today I may not get out of bed. The news is just too horrific. Family has rallied. But we have too many Trumpers to be able to talk politics anymore. This place is the only safe space for me now. DU and carefully curated, escapist streaming services. Last night John Mullaney. Saturday we had a planned pool party for family and I was able to play a PBS Great Performances video version of Alice in Wonderland he was in from 1983. It was such a a lovely way to have him present for the gathering.
I just realized it was one week ago, to the minute that I lost him. This is so hard. He was so full of life. And I'm so lucky that horrible disease didn't take away his loving personality. He was adorable and always will be. I love him so much.
irisblue
(34,379 posts)May his memory always be a blessing
DarthDem
(5,368 posts)He sounds like a wonderful person. RIP.
greatauntoftriplets
(176,941 posts)gademocrat7
(11,195 posts)on the loss of your beloved husband. Sending hugs and love. Take care.
Marcus IM
(3,001 posts)So glad you had quality loving time at the end.
Condolences to you, your family and friends.
SheilaAnn
(10,177 posts)Ninga
(8,625 posts)a cushion of love, peace, and the comfort of knowing your loss is felt in far off places.
3catwoman3
(25,578 posts)I hope knowing that DU is here for you may be of some comfort.
Desert grandma
(1,055 posts)Alzheimer's is such a terrible disease. It is so obvious from your writing that you two shared a very special love. Please know that all of us at DU are here for you in whatever way we can be helpful. I hope that the wonderful memories of your of your hubby and knowing we care about you will give you some comfort and peace.
redstatebluegirl
(12,492 posts)I hope you know we are all here for you. Be kind to yourself during this difficult time.
sinkingfeeling
(53,138 posts)chouchou
(1,368 posts)Deuxcents
(19,960 posts)And I would be one of them. My sincere condolences across the miles 💐
onecaliberal
(36,206 posts)Kali
(55,829 posts)so sorry for your loss
cate94
(2,892 posts)ancianita
(38,785 posts)cilla4progress
(25,968 posts)Safe passage. May his memory be a blessing, dear Sleepless!
Sogo
(5,809 posts)I'm sure he is with you even now....
My deepest sympathies to you.
Codifer
(774 posts)a very peaceful exit with love.
AllyCat
(17,165 posts)What a beautiful tribute you have shared with us. Peace to you.
Lulu KC
(4,710 posts)Grief. Like swimming through mud. You are wise to insulate yourself from anything that is less than sympathetic.
StarryNite
(10,872 posts)Based on the things you said he must have been a beautiful person. R.I.P. sweet soul.
Karadeniz
(23,466 posts)NoSheep
(8,275 posts)May your memories bring you peace and comfort.
Sincerely,
NoSheep
lapucelle
(19,545 posts)KS Toronado
(19,635 posts)femmedem
(8,449 posts)And alongside my condolences, I agree that you are lucky he stayed his loving self and was able to communicate with you. My mother had Alzheimer's and was nonverbal for nearly a year before she died.
Thank you for sharing this portrait of him and of your shared love with us.
nuxvomica
(12,935 posts)Rarely do I find a connection with this sort of post but I have one: I attended a "mad tea party" in Central Park to promote the 1983 Great Performances version of Alice in Wonderland. I met Kate Burton, Colleen Dewhurst, and Maureen Stapleton at the event. Perhaps your husband was there. Regardless, life is full of these unexpected and random connections and this one brought me here to revisit a fond memory, and to join others in consoling you. Peace to you.
SleeplessinSoCal
(9,714 posts)It was such a fun way to celebrate that production. The video is on YouTube. I sent it to the senior center play readers. One responded...
He waltzed into the room, tall and charming
and acknowledged the scattered applause
before sitting with his buddies, John and Harve.
Jeanne assigned the roles to read.
David came by his love of drama honestly,
having acted and danced professionally.
Covid lockdown was a blow for the Readers
and Zooming became (not for all) a panacea.
When any problems beset us, we adapt;
Zooming allowed him to attend meetings
when mobility, and even life, faltered.
We wish we could Zoom with heaven.
mahina
(18,988 posts)may love light his path home to the mystery.
people
(705 posts)So very sorry for your loss of your beloved partner. I'm glad you were able to spend your lives together. His kind loving spirit will keep you going.
TygrBright
(20,987 posts)I have that kind of love, too... the thought of losing it chills me, but not as much as the thought of never having it at all.
We are here for you.
Of course the pain is overwhelming... the moments ambush you, the empty space where his presence was is a raw wound of loss...
Keep on.
We love you.
sadly,
Bright
summer_in_TX
(3,267 posts)I am so very sorry. But I'm glad you had those blessings, that he continued to be loving and lovable, and that above all you got to have him at home where you all could be with him and love him to the end.
Prayers for you and yours, for comfort and peace.
chowder66
(9,860 posts)LoisB
(8,875 posts)Evolve Dammit
(18,965 posts)sheshe2
(87,879 posts)May your beautiful memories give you comfort and peace.
Roy Rolling
(7,189 posts)What can we say when the supernatural has robbed us of the significance of our mere mortal words? How can they touch the soul that gave life to the glorious being that is/was your hubby?
It sounds like he brought love wherever he was found, and you sharing a bit of that love with me now is especially heartwarming.
You never know who youll reach when you send a message, but your message has been especially meaningful to at least one person.
Thanks.
Oopsie Daisy
(4,534 posts)PittBlue
(4,385 posts)It sounds like you two had a wonderful life together.
JoeOtterbein
(7,792 posts)....sorry.
(tears)
IbogaProject
(3,712 posts)I had a Korean friend say the say "he returned", rather than passed. And they have a happy party featuring things and people they loved. Not somber but like a going away party.
Solly Mack
(93,067 posts)What a great tribute of love.
Joinfortmill
(16,567 posts)Ziggysmom
(3,618 posts)Death isnt fair, and no matter the persons age, it always feels too soon.
JustAnotherGen
(33,733 posts)I lost my mom the first week of June - it was sudden. We are never really prepared.
My dad died in 2011 - and she was never really the same after that. So I really feel for you.
Laurelin
(646 posts)So does your marriage. (And so do you; what a lovely tribute.) You were so lucky to have him but I'm sure that makes the goodbye even harder. I hope that love and light surround you and you find peace. Strength!
PortTack
(34,771 posts)cachukis
(2,722 posts)Ligyron
(7,904 posts)You had something a surprising number of us, myself included, never really had...an intense, lasting Love with a romantic partner. You somehow found each other in a world that can often be less than kind. That's miraculous!
I'm married now and we're both good for and to each other, have an amazing daughter but I lost my only real love 48 years ago and it was all my fault. I was bitter for a long time but then someone said to me those famous words: "Don't be sad it ended, be glad it ever happened in the first place."
That thought has helped a lot and it applies to far more than losing a love...>
Be kind to yourself, you deserve it
birdographer
(2,528 posts)But you know what I also thought when reading your post? He is still with you. He's just in the other room. Your memories sound so happy and so love-filled. I would be surprised if you don't talk to him sometimes. You know what he would reply! Death does not totally break this kind of bond. I am so sorry he is not there to hold your hand, and I know you are grieving. But you were indeed a lucky boy and girl. ❤️❤️❤️
Botany
(72,592 posts)Sounds to me like you guys had something
special.
oldtime dfl_er
(6,993 posts)Im so sorry for your loss, it sounds almost incalculable. You must have had a wonderful relationship. Take time to breathe.
calimary
(84,502 posts)As I age, I find myself wondering how long itll be before Im there myself.
Just please know how many people here and elsewhere, online and not, who are either right there to hug you, or able to let our words and posts do it here.
You are loved and admired and cared about here. And these words will ALWAYS be here, too.
livetohike
(23,020 posts)What wonderful memories you must have SleeplessinSoCal . May they comfort you and may the stories youll share always make you smile. Rest in peace .
PatSeg
(49,751 posts)I am in awe of it. I cannot imagine loving someone that much for that long. What a great loss.
I'm glad you can find some safety and comfort here at DU. Your lovely words about your husband brought tears to my eyes.
live love laugh
(14,500 posts)lillypaddle
(9,605 posts)there is a gaping hole where once your darling darling filled the space with love. Now the good memories will be your cushion for awhile. My deepest sympathy for your incredible loss. Hang in there. Don't forget to take good care of yourself. You know he would want you to.
Jackie
Ocelot II
(121,236 posts)Bettie
(17,288 posts)NM
brer cat
(26,405 posts)May you beautiful memories bring you peace and comfort.
Habitation
(5,686 posts)❤️🫡🥺
Groundhawg
(987 posts)SleeplessinSoCal
(9,714 posts)...there would be no more Republicans.
❤️❤️❤️
peacebuzzard
(5,282 posts)so sorry for the loss of this great man hubby. He sounds like an angel....
SleeplessinSoCal
(9,714 posts)Thank you all so much for proving this fellow right.
LetMyPeopleVote
(155,122 posts)Richluu
(99 posts)...I lost my hubby 17 months ago. Time is the healer, and keep busy in service to others.
"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy cometh in the morning (Psalms 30:5)
HeartsCanHope
(747 posts)My thoughts are with you all.
maveric
(16,687 posts)I wish you peace and strength.
TBF
(34,576 posts)and I'm very sorry for your tremendous loss
KatyaR
(3,534 posts)To have that kind of love and connection is so very rare and even more special. We are all sending you our love and best hugs.
orangecrush
(22,058 posts)highplainsdem
(52,649 posts)You were so fortunate to have all those years together, and I believe you'll be reunited. I'm not religious, but I've read of too many experiences and heard of too many friends' experiences (and had some of my own) not to believe in an afterlife and reunions with loved ones.
I found video of that 1983 performance of Alice In Wonderland that you mentioned, and want to post it here:
SleeplessinSoCal
(9,714 posts)It's worth noting that Nathan Lane was Mouse. And it was so early in his career that he wasn't listed in the promo credits. We had so much fun following his career after this. We saw him be brilliant Off Broadway and On.
David was on Broadway in On Your Toes when also doing this production. Several of the dancers from OYT were in it.
Here's my Davey with Duke Ellingon's granddaughter...
highplainsdem
(52,649 posts)I looked at his page at the Internet Broadway Database. He was in a lot of Broadway musicals, including one of my favorites, Sweet Charity.
SleeplessinSoCal
(9,714 posts)"...And many Cheers for the man who invented the "Cigarette Strut" for the "Rich Man's Frug" .
highplainsdem
(52,649 posts)in the Broadway production, on this web page:
https://www.talkinbroadway.com/page/rialto/past/2018/fosse.html
The film scene (for anyone not familiar with it):
SleeplessinSoCal
(9,714 posts)That's my guy! ❤️
highplainsdem
(52,649 posts)(second from the left there) looking so handsome and talented. It's a great pic. Had you seen it before?
I imagine he's dancing in heaven, young and healthy again.
I found out today that my oldest relative, the last of her generation of the family, probably has less than 6 months to live. My heart is breaking at the thought of losing her here, and at the thought of how this is hurting her children and grandchildren (I've never seen grown children and grandchildren so close to a matriarch). But she has so many loved ones to reunite with, including beloved pets that I believe will come running when she crosses over. And I believe she will be healthy and young again then, free of pain for the first time in years.
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying...
SleeplessinSoCal
(9,714 posts)Thank you for sharing.
Demovictory9
(33,872 posts)Nululu
(947 posts)God bless you and yours.
Fla Dem
(25,790 posts)I am so sorry his life with you has come to an end. But he will always be with you.
Keep him in your heart, but live life as best you can. I am sure he would want you to,
My condolences and warmest of thoughts.
NNadir
(34,755 posts)loves peace and loves pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover
your nakedness and pass out of loves
threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you
shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,
and weep, but not all of your tears...
Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet, On Love"
The time comes when one is grateful for shedding all of one's tears, I think. While I feel and understand your pain, I am happy for you that you have known such love.
Deepest condolences.
MerrilyMerrily
(190 posts)What a loving, beautiful tribute.
MiKenMi33
(138 posts)Im so sorry to hear of your beloved husband passing. You were indeed a lucky boy and girl to share the kind of love you shared.
MontanaMama
(24,068 posts)Im so sorry to hear this
which is, indeed, so so hard.
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your husband.
babylonsister
(171,659 posts)found your soulmate. Of course, I am so very sorry for your loss of your love.
58Sunliner
(4,989 posts)He must have had a wonderful soul.
UpInArms
(51,852 posts)My virtual arms are around you 🫂🫂🫂
MLAA
(18,654 posts)My dear, dear 89 year old husbands short term memory is gone and his mobility is highly compromised, but also like your wonderful husband, his loving personality and even humor remains the same. It must give you great comfort to know he was not fearful as his passing gently came to him.
What I cant yet imagine is your grief, though it does sound like you may have enough of his I love yous to last the rest of your life.
My heart is with you, dear SleeplessinSoCal. Please DM me anytime you want a friendly ear.
💕💕💕💕💕💕
essaynnc
(870 posts)I am so sorry for your loss.
I'm glad that hospice was such a positive thing for the both of you. I just visited a friend in hospice this afternoon. He was in and out, but his family and friends were all around, and he recognized us all !!!! Thank you hospice.
Stay strong, take time to grieve, keep remembering the good times that you had together. Do what you need to do, I hope you have others around that will help you out : ASK.
It will get better.
Mme. Defarge
(8,563 posts)be eternal.
Bluethroughu
(5,854 posts)that transcends space and time.
dchill
(40,658 posts)surfered
(3,532 posts)LudwigPastorius
(10,959 posts)May time and good memories eventually ease some of your pain.
littlemissmartypants
(25,717 posts)Nothing prepares us for the loss of a loved one.
My heart breaks for the pain of grief that you are feeling. Stay in that bed as long as you need.
There can be no doubt that the connection you shared transcends space and time. Something was created by your love that will never leave you.
What a glorious gift.
Stay encouraged in your grief. We love you.
❤️
Celerity
(46,554 posts)S/V Loner
(9,124 posts)peasant one
(152 posts)Sleepless,
Take care of yourself and remember him and this marvelous relationship. Good luck to you as you make this difficult transition.
area51
(12,169 posts)Mad_Dem_X
(9,799 posts)Alzheimer's is a cruel, terrible disease. I'm glad that he was able to keep his personality until the end. May he Rest in Peace.
pandr32
(12,238 posts)dem in texas
(2,681 posts)We were Married for 67 years - the last few years were really hard for me - he was blind and then developed dementia. I tried to take care of him on my own but could not. He was in a memory care facility when he passed in April. I miss him so much. I know that time will help me as try not to dwell on his passing and just remember all the good times..
I hope both you and me will reach a point where it all our memories are good memories for our 'old boys'.
benfranklin1776
(6,594 posts)May he rest in radiant peace and joy which extends to you and may you be comforted by the tremendously wonderful feelings he stirred in you with your shared experiences
Sucha NastyWoman
(2,917 posts)But I do hope you are able to find people other than us to share your beautiful heart with.
SleeplessinSoCal
(9,714 posts)Thanks for your concern. My nephews love him. They've written such beautiful, heartfelt notes to me.
My one day a week job is giving me time. And my closest friends, though many miles away, have reached out.
I've written here on DU about my sister's mental health struggles these past two years. Grateful and relieved that she is herself again. And she intends to move back into our place where she has all of her things.
But as I wake up each day since his passing, I have to remember to breathe. As much as I tried to prepare for this time, it is hard to go through. Grateful to DU for the space to reflect and share my grief.
Festivito
(13,563 posts)in your heart.