Etiquette and protocol

[Marthe48]

My best friend passed away Oct. 1. Her sister, my friend's last close relative, wasn't sure if my friend had any wishes about having a celebration of life and waited for the attorney to get the death certificate to see if there are instructions in my friend's will. I am friends with the sister, and we are in touch over our loss. I don't know if an obit. will be published, and I don't know if the sister will plan any kind of celebration of life. I wrote a long post about my friend's life and accomplishments, and put it on Facebook. It was just the stuff I knew about. I don't know all of her friends and I'm sure there are gaps in the story I can tell or the people I can contact.

I'm staying in touch with my friend's neighbors and friends, 2 way street. We are comforting each other. They have asked me several times if there is going to be a celebration of life or anything for closure. If so many people weren't asking, I wouldn't be wondering about my role, if I have one. I offered to the sister to plan something if she isn't up to it, but she said to wait to see if there is anything in the will. If it ends up that my friend didn't list any wishes, or her sister doesn't plan a memorial, would I be out of line to plan something? Or should I just leave it alone?

My cousin passed away 2 years ago, and his brother wants to have a memorial, but brother's widow doesn't want to participate in anything like that. His brother, also my cousin and his wife want to meet with me and a few other people to remember the cousin who passed, but we keep missing opportunities. This story is probably influencing what I'm thinking about.

If anyone has advice or experience, I'd like to hear it. Thank you!

[marble falls]

1. We all morn in our own way. If your way doesn't directly interfere with your friend's sister, morn with ...

... your friends for your friend.

I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry for your inability to morn her amongst the comfort of friends.

Don't put too much import on the sister's taking so much time. I know how I am with loss myself. But morn your friend how you need.

[Marthe48]

3. Thank you

We are all making our way. My friend had chronic health conditions. She was managing them until she fell last year. Even though she recovered and healed from the fall, we are all thinking that her health was really so fragile, that the fall put in motion a series of health disasters that her body couldn't heal from. She had a kidney transplant in 2019 and she had done so well with it. Average life after a kidney transplant is about 20 years, and we were planning long range, always thought we had time for everything from day trips to cruises. And we ended up not having time for anything.

She always told me about her health, but I was used to her living with the health issues and thought she was stable, would overcome again. This last year was a struggle, and I think she glossed over how challenging it was. None of us knew and I'm so sappy, I kept hoping for the best. I went to her house almost every weekend from the middle of July to Oct. I got to stay the last week in July and she was home. I stayed for the first week of Sept. and then the first week of Oct. She went in the hospital the middle of Aug. and never came home. I hate that the last year she was with us was so horrible for her. We all share that. I think the neighbors who helped her so much really need to have the finality of a memorial.

We'll see. Thank you for your kinds words.

[marble falls]

6. Your second paragraph exactly echoes my experiance with the passing of my friend Irv ...

... I had plans to visit him and he never let me know how bad his health really was. Our "friends" looted his apartment.

I was devastated and in the middle of my cancer journey and over 1,000 miles away. I was looking forward to seeing him later that month. I still have his Christmas gift. I felt like my mourning has been taken from me. That was Oct eight years ago.

I still have the stone to put on his marker. Gather your friends and mourn.

[no_hypocrisy]

2. Do what you believe is "the right thing".

No memorial planned? You do it and bring together people who loved your cousin and then have a kick-ass wake.

My own experience: my cousin's husband was killed in a motorcycle accident. She was left financially bereft. The two brothers of her husband wanted a Catholic mass. Her husband made her promise no church.

She asked me what to do. Now, I'm an atheist, but I'm also a pragmatist. Her BILs offered to pay for funeral home, the coffin, the Mass, the burial, AND the Repast if they could have their Mass. I told her that Steve was dead and wouldn't know the difference. Take the money and be gracious. And she did.

And as an aside, my dear friend passed during Covid. Her memorial was 2 years later (actually three years ago this week-end). Timing doesn't count when the heart is concerned.

[flying_wahini]

4. I had a Memorial gathering this spring for my sister who died in Canada a year ago.

Her dtr and husband had a small one up where she lived but it was pretty much for her friends up there.
It’s a long hard trip up to her place and expensive to get there. Figured I would have something for us down here.
I looked into a rental spot but found them all outside or terribly expensive. A covered pergola at a city garden was $4000, and that was for the small one! We do not attend church and neither did she so that was out. So I had it at my home. I had 44 folks show up; most of them family and her close friends.

I served a few finger sandwiches and had coffee and sparkling water. Cheese and crackers and such. I put out 4 vases of flowers spread around. Her daughter and husband came in and we shared a bunch of photos of her over the years with some of her favorite songs on in the background.
We all took turns toasting to her memory. Some said prayers and some just talked about her.
There were lots of tears and laughter.
After some of them left I pulled out brisket and potato salad, green salad, beer and wine and coffee.
Had the young men pull out a big folding table and chairs. Fed the still large group like I do at TG.
Luckily I didn’t do it as an outside engagement because it rained cats and dogs. Figured we may have had more people if the weather had cooperated.
I’m so glad I did it. I felt there were a lot of family who couldn’t get any closure and her husband and dtr
Needed it to feel the love of family and friends.


Just do it. You can announce it on your Facebook or social media if you want. There aren’t any hard and fast rules. It would be a good way to get to know your neighbors, too.

[Marthe48]

5. That sounds like what we need

The local funeral director helped me and my kids have a memorial for my husband. I have in mind getting advice from the funeral home who took care of the cremation for my friend. If I make the plans, I'll have it in Cleveland where she lived and worked. I'm in Marietta, Oh, the opposite end of the state.

[XanaDUer2]

7. My sympathies

You've written of her here