Going through divorce

[harun]

Not taking it well, horrible actually.

Anyone find benefit in getting professional therapy to help with it?

[SheilaT]

1. You deserve some kind of response here.

I myself did not seek out professional therapy. To be honest, a bottle of wine a couple of nights a week was very helpful for me. Not sure I'd really want to recommend it to anyone else.

If you know a good therapist, or feel you can connect to a good one, go ahead, try it.

Going through divorce can completely undermine a person's sense of self, and self-confidence. I know that's what my divorce did for me.

Time does heal. This is the most important thing to know. I am now four years from the divorce being final, so about five and a half years from when I realized the marriage was over. I moved 800 miles to a different part of the country to start a new life, and it was the best thing I could ever have done. It helped that my children were already grown and that I didn't have to be a single mother. I now say that in my most optimistic fantasies that the marriage had not come to an end, I can't imagine I would have persuaded him to move here, and I am very, very glad I live where I now do.

[harun]

2. Thanks!

Thanks for responding Sheila. It helps to hear from others.

What area you in now that you like?

I lived in a few parts of the country. Like some more than others.

[SheilaT]

3. I am in SantaFe, NM.

I moved here from Overland Park, Kansas.

This has been a very good place for a somewhat older woman (I was 60 when I moved here, 64 now) to be. I never had a career, meaning when I needed to look for work I was looking at entry-level jobs. Those kinds of jobs are, in my experience, reasonably available. There's a good cultural life here, several colleges which means you can take classes if you want, or just go to the kinds of things and speakers and events they have.

People here complain that Santa Fe is terribly expensive. It's not. It's nothing like New York or San Francisco or Washington DC. It's somewhat more expensive than Albuquerque, which is the only thing people here know to compare. The high end of housing is VERY expensive, but I bought a place that is about half of the median price of a home here and I'm satisfied. It's a two bedroom, two bath townhome about 900 square feet in a perfectly nice, if unfashionable part of the city. I love the altitude and the climate here. I love it that the night sky is brilliantly beautiful.

If you are any kind of a church-goer there are plenty of churches here of many denominations, and there's a very strong inter-faith tradition. I am not such a person, but I have some very good friends who belong to a Presbyterian church here, and through them I get to help out with such things as feeding the homeless.

Once I knew that divorce was in my future, I was pretty sure I wanted to move to Santa Fe, having been here before, and having partially grown up in Tucson, AZ. But I made two other trips, one to Oregon, and another long driving trip to the east coast to check out some other places before I made the final decision. And while this is a wonderful country with fifty wonderful states, and I saw several places I could seriously consider, for the the choice of Santa Fe was the right one.

I know that for a lot of people, moving to another part of the country is not a realistic option, but when it is, more people should (in my opinion) seriously consider it.

[harun]

4. Big Moves

I did a big move to Las Vegas, NV from Wisconsin. I then moved from LV to near Philadelphia, PA. I really loved it out West. Was ready to leave Las Vegas though. I have heard from some co-workers that had lived in NM that they really liked the place and the climate there. I hope to visit someday and check it out. I've driven through there but haven't seen the area.

The big moves I did were extraordinary learning experiences. I also think more people should consider it but leaving behind a network of friends and family is too much for some people. I understand why they won't try it.

Good to hear you find a nice place.

[SheilaT]

5. It can be hard. And people who have never really moved

very far find it especially difficult to imagine starting all over, making new friends, and so on.

The other really good thing about my move here is this: It freed my younger son to move himself, from Kansas to Portland, OR. Had I stayed in KS, he probably would have felt obligated to stay near me, especially given that my ex left me for another woman. But my willingness to leave, made it clear that he could do the same thing, and he has a great new life for himself.

I miss my sons, don't get to see them very often. but it's far better that we have our own separate lives than anyone staying stuck in a place, physically or emotionally.

[We are Devo]

7. Santa Fe is wonderful

It is on my list of places to move to someday. I laugh when people say how $$ it is, but I live in Los Angeles! I'm visiting Eugene, OR this month for the first time to see if I like it there too.

Sorry, I didn't want to hijack this thread, I just love hearing about other women moving to new cities

[SheilaT]

8. When I went to Oregon to check it out,

I did not find Eugene very appealing. I think that was because that city is in the middle of the very wide Willamette Valley, so you couldn't really see any mountains and it was a good two hour drive to the Coast.

My younger son has moved to Portland, and I'm thinking that if he stays there I will move there in a few years.

[Callalily]

6. Since you seen to be having

a difficult time, and simply because you asked the question, I would suggest some type of counseling. Most places of business offer some type of "employee assistance programs'" which include counseling. Many insurances offer this service too. Typically either scenario covers 8-10 sessions before you have to pay.

Although I too felt I did not need counseling my lawyer suggested it and I did take her advice. If nothing else it's nice to talk to someone who is nonjudgmental no matter what you say and of course everything is confidential.

Most people going through divorce will get from point A to point B on their own, counseling shortens that journey.

You talk about moving too . . . I would not make any rash decisions until you have gotten a grip on your situation. That's my two cents worth.

[neversaydie]

9. I'm seeing a counselor and it does help

I've been trying to get a divorce for almost three years now. I think I'm finally getting close to an agreement. I finally decided to see a counselor, just started about 5 months ago, and OH MY GOD it helps. It's such a relief to be able to talk to an objective third party and to get some advice on how to support yourself. It's like when I can't put my finger on exactly what's wrong, she'll say something and the lightbulb goes off.

In my experience, it's been very helpful and it's a great release to get it all out.

Good luck and take care of YOU.

[jmitch]

10. 1st post here

I'm not sure if I'm replying in the right place and don't want to break etiquette but I just joined and saw this topic so I though I'd chime in. I will be divorced officially 1 year next month, I have full custody of 3 children and my ex wife is not paying child support. Last year I was making a good living, had healthcare, nice 401k, family YMCA membership, was rapidly advancing in a large corporation and I was working WAY too much, but I was on the cusp of a promotion that would have put me on a good 45 hour work schedule. My now ex-wife and I were separated with joint custody and I spent every minute I could with my kids but she found ways to keep me from them. I had just rented a house for her and the kids which I intended to keep paying for as well as utilities, sports, everything since she had never worked and I even moved her, built a storage shed bc she needed more room, and did all of this while working 80 hour weeks and taking management courses to prep for advancement. I had a vacation scheduled for Christmas and a fund I deducted from every check all year to give my kids a great Christmas. On my first weekend off in some time I was looking forward to some time with my kids, they are now 5, 7 &9. I talked to my ex on the way home(I would stay at the new house bc I was still unpacking her and fixing things up) and she asked me to pick up dog food, which I did. I arrived to an empty house, she was gone with the kids all weekend and I was restless and worried the whole time, barely eating or sleeping at all. The police said there was nothing they could do. I returned to work Monday at 4am and set everything up to where another supervisor could monitor, called the kindergarten and elementary school around 8 to make sure they were there and informed them I would be checking them out. I told my boss I had a family emergency and was leaving but everything was handled. Now, apparently when you have joint custody the school informs the other parent that you're checking them out and when I got to the school about 1 1/2 hours after calling them, police were waiting. They didn't arrest me right away but detained me while my ex was apparently filling out an arrest warrant saying I was abusive, after some time I saw a cop speaking into his radio and then proclaim "We got it!" At that time I was arrested without being told why, I was not ever told a charge or allowed to arrange bail. I went before a redneck judge who held me for 30 days before allowing me to make bail, I didn't even have a lawyer. My jail time included my birthday, Christmas and New Years and also cost me my job of 6 years including family medical and dental insurance. Eventually the charges were thrown out but I was left with no job and denied unemployment, I had to cash out my retirement and pay extensive legal fees related to the divorce. There is a lot more but I am being too long winded so if anyone is interested I'll talk more about it later. Now my ex has seen the kids once in the past year and not paid child support, I have spent everything I had, and I did go back to working but after all 3 kids and myself got strep, I was fired for missing too much work. I don't know what to do and I can't find a job here in Alabama, I guess I'm a lazy food stamp recipient even though I've been working my whole life.