just when you think it's getting better.

[mzteris]

My ex and I went through a bitter divorce. Restraining order - he threatened to kill me. He was a drunk. He attacked my daughter and our son had to "take him down". Then we let up attacked his own so - 13 or 14 yo at the time - who took him down AGAIN. (And he was 100 lbs soaking wet. Kung fu helped. ha)

That son didn't speak to or see him for a very very long time. He finally "spoke to him" to excoriate him in language I didn't know he knew when he could hear his dad screaming at me through the phone about my not "letting him" see our son. My son didn't want a gd thing to do with him and grabbed the phone and told him in very graphic terms why hadn't and didn't want to see him and he'd better leave "his mom" the f alone. Or else. Both boys stopped using their fathers name, btw, and use mine.

Well, that was the kick in the ass the ex needed. He went to AA about a week later and has been sober ever since - about 4 years. Slowly rebuilding a relationship with our kids. Recalcitrant, very sorry for his actions, etc etc etc. Everything we going well. We even sort of became "friends" again over the past 4 years - to the point at least that we put our differences aside for the sake of our kids. I never interfered with his seeing them. I never complained that he never made the right amount of child support. I went out of my way for him, his girlfriend and their baby (my sons' little sister so I felt it was the right thing to do. Besides, the kid didn't do anything. And she's cute. but I digress.)

So today - after all this time. All this work. All of MY sacrifices and forgiving and forgetting because that SOB had no forgiving to do and barely made his CS payments and never in full - and my letting go all the total BULLSHIT HE PUT ME AND OUR KIDS THROUGH in the interest of the future of our children - well, today.... at our younger son's gd football game - in front of all of my son's friends parents - he threatened to "punch me in the face" because he got a letter from the court because he's so gd behind in his payments. *I* didn't send the damn letter. I tried to walk away and said - calmly, let's not talk about this here. We'll discuss it later, but don't worry, I'll take care of it. (Like I've ALWAYS taken care of every goddamn thing - like having told him I would forgive the arrears and forgive the "alimony" because I didn't need it anymore - Not that he ever, in fact, actually paid it as he never paid the full amount of Child support.) - So I was embarrassed - and yes, more than a little scared - and our son's friend's parents were embarrassed - and our son is now that he knows because of course the other parents told their boys and they called my son.

So I'm back to being scared. The younger son is back to being VERY pissed. The older one doesn't know yet, but will when his little bro tells him and then all hell WILL break lose. Good thing he lives across country. . .

I do know I'm not going to bend over backward to let him see our other son anymore, either. No more conforming to HIS schedule. No more MY driving the kid to see him (30 miles away). No more MY letting the kid go over whenever and however because the dad travels and well I wanted the kid to be able to see his dad. No more. Visitation is at MY convenience - and it's no longer going to very goddamn convenient. Not to mention my son doesn't want to go over there, cause his dad will "start in" and the younger son is way the hell bigger than he is and will NOT stand for it. So that could get real ugly real fast.

WTF. I mean really. WTF. I didn't do anything. Didn't do anything the first time. He's just a jerk. Drinking or not. Though there's a thought - maybe he's drinking again. His "girlfriend babymomma" he met at AA and she's been off the wagon and in rehab several times in the past year. She can't get a job and he's trying to support two families (which is why i never bugged him about not paying full Child Support). He wants to go to court? Fine. I'm sure the judge will remember him from the restraining order hearing and the divorce - she nearly threw him in jail both times for contempt. He can't keep that smartass mouth of his shut. And he hates women really. I was going to take care of it all. Fix all the arrears and paperwork and everything and forgive his past debt. But you know what? F him. Let him go to court. He can pay court costs AND he'll LOSE. And probably wind up in jail. oh joy. What an embarrassment.

[SheilaT]

1. Good for you.

You are a far better woman than I am, because if I had been in those circumstances I would have made it absolutely clear that he should pay the full amount of child support.

The baby with the girlfriend came about AFTER he'd creating the obligation to you and your children. Any woman who takes up with a man who already has children needs to understand very clearly where his first obligations are.

I have been very annoyed over the years when self-sacrificing second wives assure me that their husband always paid all the child support and alimony and more besides. Where are these paragons? Other than the claims of the second wives, I've never run across them.

[mzteris]

2. You know what really ticks me off

he cries to the boys about how all of his check goes to "child support", but a third of it comes back to his house to his live-in girlfriend.

He wants all the "alimony" he paid me to be credited as child support as he never intended any of it to be spousal support. I think I'm gonna tell the judge, okay, but we have to redo our taxes for the last four years as he claimed the credit and I paid the tax on that money. Otherwise he'd be guilty of tax fraud. . . that will shut him up. The last thing he wants is to get audited!

I doubt we'll get that far. He'll try to represent himself. I'll get a lawyer - I think a tall very strongwilled woman this time - just to push his buttons - and he'll lose it in the courtroom.

The only reason I'm willing to settle "out of court" is I don't want to divulge how much I make now. It's none of his damn business - I just got very very lucky. Otherwise, I'd either STILL be unemployed or making not very much after being a stay-at-home for so long. (Thus the alimony in the first place - he was working, I wasn't.)

[elleng]

3. Sounds like he may be drinking again.

Not unusual.
Do whatever you can to maintain distance from him.

[Evergreen Emerald]

4. how awful

My friend did the same thing you are doing: tried so hard not to make waves. Babied him. Sacrificed the needed income to try to keep the peace. I tried to tell her that no matter how hard she tried, it would not work because her behavior is not the problem. His behavior is the problem.