Daughter, A, asked me to return to her in NJ,

[elleng]

after was there over the weekend for her son's 2d birthday party. Wants my 'help,' no details.

Said come 'tomorrow,' I asked if Friday OK, she said yes, then I learned her husband had 'left,' she's alone, with 2 little ones, so I said I'd go tomorrow (later today, Wednesday.)

I asked for 'details,' and she wrote/texted 'divorce.' I said, 'sudden?' She said, 'I guess.'

So I'll be off in the morning to help. She's on maternity leave, having had a baby Oct. 1.

2 year old's party last weekend was good, everyone seemed OK, tho she over-burdens herself, too many people and too much to do; I do SIMPLE.

I haven't liked the way she speaks to her husband for a while, 'orders,' and 'blames,' instead of accommodates. AND, when she was young, she was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with I forget what, multiple conditions, she didn't like the meds, stopped them, doc left the office, that was that. She and her 3 year younger sister don't speak, and annually or so, she, A, alienates herself from me.

Her father, my husband, sociopath, separated 6? years ago, and he died 2+ years ago. A, and her sister J, very attached to him, and both of them continue to 'mourn.'

So I'll go up to help with my grands, and learn more, I guess. Her husband MAY have left due to a fight of some sort, pretty serious I guess, due to the kiddies, to whom he is devoted. I do NOT suspect he was caught in an affair.

I did look for 'couples counselors' in their town, and if given the opportunity, will recommend such. I've wanted her to see a counselor, shrink really, for years, and the time may have come. Now as they have the kiddies, it's more important than it has been.

I'll be in touch with y'all, for support!

E

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. I am sorry to hear this, my dear elleng...

I hope that she will listen to you now.

[elleng]

3. Thanks, Peg.

Don't know that I'll 'tell' her anything, not at first anyway. Will help with the kiddies, and try to learn what happened. Hard to predict, and trying not to do so.

She did tell me not to tell ANYONE, and not to 'judge,' leading me to think she feels somehow ? responsible??? Think that suggests she knows something's 'wrong?' Could be 'good?' I may be thinking too much! SHOULD go to bed, have a long day coming!

[No Vested Interest]

2. It will be a comfort to her to have you there, especially to help with the wee ones.

She will be upset, naturally, angry, and probably hurting, though perhaps not acknowledging the hurt.
I think one feels especially vulnerable when alone with two babies - so much responsibility and only so many hours, and needing rest and sleep.
If she 'orders' and 'blames' her husband, you're likely to feel a little of that as well.

Best to listen a lot, zip your lip more than you'd like to, and give time to and enjoy the bablies.

I sincerely hope A and husband get back together sooner rather than later.

[elleng]

4. THANKS, Vested.

You are, I think, right, I'll likely feel a bit of that, and it's happened in the past, actually 'regularly,' so I've said 'don't speak to me that way!' I've learned to zip my lip OFTEN.

I do suspect her husband will return sooner rather than later; don't see him staying away from the kiddies for long.

[mopinko]

5. oh dear.

if it were i, i would try to get her to see a shrink alone. i know from my experience that walking into couple's counseling w someone w big issues is a recipe for a shit show.

poor little ones. i wish i had seen what kind of damage a depressed mom in a shitty marriage can do to kids. so much time feeling trapped in a corner, wanting only to have those kids disappear. feeling like i needed to protect myself from their needs, knowing i couldnt fulfill them.

is dad a stable person? will he be able to spend a lot of time w the kids if they split? could be their salvation.

[elleng]

6. Thanks, mop.

Last edited Wed Dec 16, 2015, 01:08 PM - Edit history (1)

I was just getting ready to head out/north when she called me and said, while she 'needs' my help, I shouldn't go now, due to 'complications.' I suspect the appearance of things, about which she is much more concerned than I, is one of the 'complications.' So I won't be offering my suggestions to her, not immediately, anyway. 'Interesting' that I made the suggestion of a 'shrink' for her, to him, years ago, before they were married, I think.

He is stable, and will likely be able to spend a lot of time with the kids.

The kids are doing very well, were when I left anyway, she's a FINE mother, and he a fine father. I am concerned that the 2 year old boy will miss his father A LOT, but it might be that that caused her to waive me off, maybe husband, E, is/will be spending time there, and she doesn't want me to 'intrude.'

His folks are nearby, and have established a great relationship with the boy (and working on the baby girl.) Wondering about Christmas; may be at their home.

[mopinko]

7. oy vey.

[elleng]

8. I don't know what to think, exactly,

but the 'lemonade' for me today, in starting to venture out, to pack the car, I noticed the sun doing lovely things with my home, 'cottage' as landlord refers to it, so had to snap this pic. Gives me SMILES!




p.s., Did have scrambled 'home made' eggs for dinner last night! Daughter J lives near me, and hope to see her, her little 17 month old son, and their chicks some time soon!

[mopinko]

9. those eggs are the best.

i have a very devoted fan club for my girl's production.

[elleng]

10. Yes they are!

[LiberalEsto]

11. Oh Ellen, I am so sorry!

I hope somehow things work out for everyone, especially the little ones. People are more emotional at this time of year, and more sensitive. So maybe things will get better over time. Your idea about couples counseling is very good; I hope they try it.
As you know, I could see this happening in my own family some day.
Hang in there, and PM if you need to.


We've got your back.

[elleng]

12. THANKS for having my back, LibEst.

ADDENDUM: Daughter called me this morning, long conversation, long story short: He's seeing a counselor, has a number of 'issues' I've not been aware of, and they saw a couples counselor some time ago.

He's back home now, so my tears this morning at thought the kiddies were without their father were misplaced (or worked???!!! JOKE!)

I feel much better, knowing they're handling this like the adults they are.

[LiberalEsto]

13. That's good to hear

Maybe they will make some progress with counseling.

These short winter days, with little daylight, make people moody and depressed.
That may be a contributing factor for them.

I use a light box daily to get through this season and it helps cnsiderably.

I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

[elleng]

14. Thanks, and I you and yours.