What is the point becoming a better person?

[DaveJ]

Hi, I just noticed this group, and I'd consider myself a loner. I was voted the shyest kid in class in H.S. so I think that should solidify my credentials. This topic is just semi related.

What is the point becoming a better person, when it changes nothing? People all over are still able to be vile and gain everything they want out of life. They can be disgusting creatures and not know it, or not care, and continue to be happy.

They say humans share 99% of their genes with monkeys, and if one researches it, they will find that apes are not pleasant. They throw poo at one another, and will often tear you apart for no reason, sorry ape lovers. And we are only 1% different from them.

One's life just become even worse as a result of trying to be good.

Here are some examples:

WORK

-- I try to become more knowledgeable, and as a result people are constantly asking me to do things that will never result in career advancement, and in fact make career advancement harder, retirement less likely or farther off. I would like to work on important projects, but I can only spend less than half my time on them, because I'm helping others the rest of the time. I would look for another job, but I'm honest and cannot take a day off without letting them know why.

EDUCATION

-- I went to school to become more valuable to others, and as a result I have student loans for life.

RELATIONSHIPS

-- Same old story there. The meanest most uncaring people always have the most friends. I won't even go into the male/female aspect of it, like when a guy tries to be polite and the girl takes that as disinterest. This does not apply to me anymore though since I'm married.

DRIVING

-- I try to keep a safe driving distance between me and the car in front of me. As a result, people constantly change lanes in front of me. It's virtually impossible to drive safely with all the other maniacs, who get to their destination 12 seconds sooner.

TRAIN

-- I let the mischief scurry in front of me so they can get their seats first. They are in a hurry after all, so I let them go, and wait for breaks in the flow, so I can walk in a normal manner. I just refuse to play their game. (I get my seat anyway, but watching them is grueling.)

HELPING OTHERS

-- I will not go into details but I've had very bad experiences trying to help others, which nearly ruined my life financially. I think I will recover though.


These are just examples...

It's more of a general issue. It can be in regard to anything. I'm trying to improve myself, but all it does is make the world around me seem more disgusting. If I could be less caring, I would have no reason to find others disgusting. If I cared less about people, I feel I'd have fewer problems.

Sometimes I'm so polite it causes trouble.

I was at a diner once, and I felt sorry for the cooks, and said "it's so hot in here," and the guy could not comprehend that I was showing empathy for them. I wasn't complaining. But he probably thought I was a jerk. I realize that could have been phrased better. But it happens all the time. Once when I had to return something that was expired, instead of walking up to the register, I did not want to embarrass the clerk, so I tried to tell him aside form the customers. Instead of appreciating my discretion, he thought I was up to something. Stuff like this happens to me more and more. The more polite I try to be, people are not accustomed to it and think something must be awry.


I just bored myself to death with this. These are not the best examples.

I know the obvious answer, "it's all in my head." Yes, it is in my head, I know.

How am I supposed to get it out of my head?

When I see people cut, cheat, lie, gloat, abuse, am I just supposed to think "that's just the beautiful world," and smile?

I understand that you can't change everything, and I understand that I probably seem defective to many, who just go about life without a care in the world.

I'm not trying to be judgmental. I do not see others as inferior, I see them as incredibly mean. I'm not scared or confused by them. They just disgust me, and I know that sounds bad. But many people do horrible things, and I can't seem to just ignore it. I do not say anything, though, you know, what can I do? They are 'horrible' in a way that very few people seem to mind. Just as an analogy, it's kind of like being in a zombie movie, sort of, like they are everywhere and that ultimately there's nothing that can be done about it.

[bemildred]

1. My conclusion has been that being a better person makes my life better.

Of course much depends on what you want, I have little interest in most of the things that people lie, cheat and steal for, so I feel no loss in the lack of them. I don't want to be important, I tried it, I was even good at it, but I didn't like it, it did not make me happy.

But anyway, there is no better reason to do or not do anything than "I do/don't want to."

With regard to the human species: clearly, we are a work in progress. It's a miracle is that we're here at all, that we are better than lizards.

[DaveJ]

2. Partially it's socio-environmental

I grew up with extremely few people around me, and since then have lived only in heavily populated places, so it does not seem natural to be being around so many people, but I'm used to it. 1 out of 10 people are bound to be doing something wrong, but they get all the attention. It's hard not to notice people scurrying, it's like being in a swarm of rats. The behavior is very similar. It's just impossible for me to ignore that.

As far as what I want, I've been homeless before, so all I want is a roof over my head. I had to work and beg my way off the streets, for water and food, where people literally ignored me when I was laying there. Whenever I let me guard down, I got thrown aside like I was nothing. I do not work out of choice, I'm like an indentured servant who will get severely punished if I ever start to relax. That's just me, though, I guess other people have a social support network.

[catchnrelease]

3. I can only control my own behavior

I agree with Bemildred, I try to be a good person mainly to feel good about myself, and because I think it's the correct thing to do.

I used to work in a job where I was around "the public" a large part of every day. After 30yrs of that I have to say that in general I have a very low opinion of humans. I've become pretty cynical over the years. There are of course many good, kind and generous people out there, but they don't get the attention that the greedy, narrow-minded and ignorant ones do. The latter seem to call attention to themselves by their crappy behavior.

It just seems that more and more people are only interested in themselves and what they want--rampant narcissism! Because of that they just walk over anyone else in their paths, as they are more special than anyone else. They need to get where they're going, so don't get in their way or inconvenience them. Traffic laws don't apply to them. The sign that says no cell phones in this office doesn't apply to them. You know what I mean.

Of course I rant and curse at those people while I'm driving--last week the woman in the car next to me had her i-pad tablet sitting in front of her on the steering wheel! When she looked over at me, she must have thought *I* was nuts, yelling and waving my arm at her. Why do people think that's ok? I don't get it either.

But I just have to think that I won't drop my standards and act like "those people". I like to be nice to wait staff in a restaurant, treat them well, say thank you to them and give a good tip, and hope I made it pleasant for them to serve me. I don't want to treat them like a slave, or make them feel like they are somehow beneath me. This makes me feel good, and enjoy my experience more. Maybe that waiter/waitress won't notice or care, but I can feel like I tried to be nice and that's all I can do. If you are polite and people misinterpret it or ignore it, that's on them and not you.

When I was working I was good at my job and efficient, so I would get the work done quickly. Others did try to put more work on me, since I seemed to have 'spare time', and sometimes I would help out or sometimes I would make myself unavailable or find projects to take more time, so I could truthfully say "Sorry, I don't have time now" or "I have to finish this first". I guess you'll have to figure out how to keep people from taking advantage of your skills at your own expense.

If I hate rudeness, then I should try not to be rude myself. I think I have to live with myself, my behavior and that's really all I can do. I don't think it's all in your head at all, I think much of society today IS mean. I don't accept it and I DO rant and bitch about it to myself or at home or with friends. I don't think there is an answer other than staying true to your own standards. You can think that you ARE 'better' than THOSE people because you don't behave in mean, inconsiderate etc ways.

I think it's one of the good things about being an introvert/loner, that you can finally escape to your safe place, at home or where ever, and those people can't get to you. If you are aware that you need down time to decompress, be sure to give it to yourself. Alone time is your friend, lol!!

So, that's my .02++++cents

[DaveJ]

4. The weird thing is, I do like people, believe it or not.

I just think that many aspects of their behavior is horrible.

Over the years I've lived in a few places and experienced a variety of situations, and just generally tried to become aware of the world in every way I could. (I couldn't really travel overseas, though, never had the money for that) But that has not made me feel better about myself.

Maybe it comes down to broad experience vs targeted experience, and mine is definitely more broad than targeted. Most people have more targeted experience. Which is fine. To be honest, stuff kind of bores me, and maybe people see that as a sign of depression, but I think it's because I've pretty much seen all there is to see.

This is one of the weird things I hate. People in my town, do not know basic traffic rules. They do not realize that when coming to a 4 way stop, the person on the right side, in relation to the other, is supposed to go first. So, what they do is wave me through. I recently drove through 3 intersections in a row, where the other driver got there first, but they waved me through. And one of those times, what happened was, a lady in a Land Rover waved me through, so I reluctantly went first (because they get angry if I do not comply with their waves), then she was on my butt tailgating me, and and then honked at me at the next intersection because I was not going fast enough for her!!! That was a double whammy.

I do not know why people are in such a hurry. I'm pretty sure nobody is anxious to see them.

Anyway, I think that I need to change my expectations.

[RKP5637]

5. I often think and experience the same things you've listed. I always remain

nice to people, I try to be cheerful and upbeat, but damn, I often run across some people and just wonder WTF, why even bother. I find the behavior of many people disgusting, the rudeness, crassness, greed and cheating, plus all of the lies.

[sibelian]

6. I think you're probably unusually sensitive and empathic.

I have to agree with you - a substantial majority of ordinary people are just idiotic self-interested douchebags.

I was shy. I didn't like not being part of the world so I did a lot of work on myself to fit in. Mostly it worked, in a twisted way, except that I ended up distorting my personality out of shape to accomodate other people's expectations of what I should be. It made me miserable.

You sound very fed up. Do you mind if I ask you something? Would you call yourself depressed? I mean, do you find that you don't really want to engage with the world a lot of the time? Or am I just projecting my own issues onto you?