I find myself really wanting a wedding

[EnergizedLib]

I haven’t had a ton of success with women in my life - five months of romance combined across two women scattered through the years. So, it’s helped me a bit after I used to pine for a girlfriend in high school and college.

I’m looking for the next step, the next box to check off, if you will. I want to put ring on someone and have the wedding of my dreams, where I’m the center of attention and it’s my special day. I know what music I’d want my bride to walk down to, and that I’d want to DJ my own wedding. I want to give a speech, a professional wrestling-type promo, gloating and proclaiming victory in front of everybody at this wedding, where they look on and sit in the aisles at me for once while I’m up there. I know whom I’d want as my best man and whom I’d want to stand.

I just can’t find anyone to do it, and I really will take just about anybody I can get - provided she’s not a trumper, a Q nut, etc. I’m not even asking her to love me, just to be with me. And the way I see it, everybody in this world does things that they don’t want to do, why not do this? Do I think women should feel sorry for me? Absolutely.

I don’t have much, I really don’t - some relatives, loved ones, maybe one or two, three at the most, good friends, plus I’m an only child, an introvert and I’ve had to bury many in what was a small family for me to begin with.

I’m not going to tell you I’m a good person or a nice person, that’s up to other people to decide. I know I’m imperfect. In fact, I’ve said some things and done some things in my life I’m not proud of. Despite this, I’d like to think I have good qualities, those that someone can appreciate in spite of my flaws.

When I got my first girlfriend, my best friend (who still is) wanted to take me to a strip club, and I declined because I was seeing her. She broke it off with me, and the other woman I briefly got together with distanced herself from me, too, despite me not having any major blowup or fight with either of them. In fact, I tried my best to spoil and pamper them both because it made me feel good.

It’s hard to socialize, being on the spectrum, though on the milder side of it. I’m in a rural area where even though I have my career here, I’m not sure I want to stay in and have a family in, especially since they believe in forced birth and their ban in the wake of Dobbs has been temporarily struck down.

I have cried untold amounts of tears since I asked out my first girl at 15 and gotten rejected. It took me until 22 to have my first date (that I paid a matchmaker for), 23 for my first kiss, 25 for my first girlfriend. I haven’t been on a date since late May/early June, haven’t had a kiss in a little more than a year. I’m not as fixated on sex as much as I am being in bed, cuddling, kissing, holding hands - those are big for me.

People will say a girlfriend, a wedding, a wife will not solve all my problems. This is true, absolutely, but it helps. Does it ever help. If a woman is not the cure, she’s been someone who treats, heals, alleviates, whatever terminology you want to use.

When I was half my current age, I thought I’d have a family by now. I’m 31, have this life and no other, and I don’t want to be left out in the cold. Without being too strong in my language, I’m hoping to convey to my next date (whenever and whomever that is) it’s marriage I want.

If I need to save money for an arranged marriage, however much that costs, I’ll do that.

[calimary]

1. You still have time!

Don’t kick yourself because you’re not quite where you want to be in this aspect of your life.

The odds are in your favor - women outnumber men and that gap will probably increase. Have you let your friends know? They can help - maybe they know somebody who knows somebody.

Don’t give up! And don’t do an arranged marriage if you don’t have to!

[EnergizedLib]

2. Thank you

I mean, I’ve tried downplaying it, and I’m not sure they really know anyone, especially since my friends are spaced out and in other states and I’ve put relationships on pause at the moment.

Thanks for the positivity and encouragement.

[Doodley]

3. Stop putting yourself down! Have more self-respect!

You don't deserve anything less than a partner who truly loves you and you love too. Join a dating website like Match. Stop making excuses. It's the easiest way to find somebody who is right for you. I talk from experience! There are many women out there who would fall in love with you, and you will love too! There are women who will understand you and ask you to understand them. Marrying won't solve any problems if you don't love each other. Love will. Love is what will transform your life.

[EnergizedLib]

15. Here's the thing

I’ve tried many dating sites, got dates from them and my brief relationships from them.

If I know my value, what good is it in this case if others won’t see my worth or give the time of day to my value?

[Doodley]

27. Aim to make friends first. It is literally impossible that there aren't women who

aren't a good match for you. Be friends first and one of those friendships will turn into something deeper.

[Tetrachloride]

4. Volunteer opportunities: animal shelter, libraries, environment restoration

I suggest volunteer activities. People will see your better sides. I walked dogs a bit. So many people asked about the dogs.

Later, I got a job where I could meet people and also travel a bit. At first, I only liked the traveling.

My next job was even more people oriented.

I suggest go to library and ask. Something will fit you.

And nice people will notice you.

Keep a repertoire of nice places to go and nice places that you want to go.

First date: a walk and coffee for a while.

good luck.

[multigraincracker]

5. Great advise.

When I gave up on looking for love and got busy doing the the other things I love, we found each other.

[EnergizedLib]

16. Thank you

I’m trying to volunteer at a food bank now, just wanting to help others in the area.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

6. Focus on your health, integrity, kindness, and engagement with society. Be a good friend to yourself

I too was a "late bloomer". Be your own best friend.

Sounds like you should make moving to a more comfortable part of the country a priority goal. It might be the best life change you could make to move to your ultimate goal. Alternatively, if you find a woman who wants to escape, you could escape together!

If you focus on those four things in this title, you will attract people and women for partners. In general, women (being people) like kindness and care. If you are kind and care for all people and animals, you'll be attractive from the inside out, and that is how a good long term relationship is founded.

Maintain a lightly upbeat persona with people, and yourself. It is good for one's own health, but also very attractive. Smooth, but not glib. Deep but not an abyss. More likely to chuckle at one's own flubs than curse.

Don't push or "convey" marriage goals onto a date. Enjoy the person and the event without setting goals. But certainly be frank and open about your goal if the topic comes up, or if writing bios on dating sites. Don't hide your goal, especially the more you like the person after a date or two, but "conveying" it too upfront will make you look a little desperate.

Be confident by telling yourself 1) you will find someone, 2) if you don't that is okay too, 3) by being easy and confident with being single you will be attractive. #2 is key to confidence. Glide through life projecting ease and confidence and you will become easier and more confident. I know people who got hitched at age 50 and live in bliss. It doesn't matter when or if. What matters is you need to accept whatever happens and be pleased with it. If you can have a relaxed zen attitude about setbacks and blockages, you'll be attractive.

Engagement with society is important. Get on out there, doing social activities that are meaningful to you, be it volunteering or helping, sports, culture, politics, whatever. Get into social situations, but don't be a hunter, be the healthy, integral, kind, engaged person you are. Most importantly, don't waste time with people you don't like or don't like their politics or don't like their behaviour. Move on to something else.

An intelligent friend who had "good luck" with women told me two ideas. He remarked that the actor Laurence Olivier held popular parties and somebody was at one for a while and realized that every joke Olivier told had himself as the butt, but not a gloomy gus kind, of course, upbeat. Second, he said that when he went to gatherings himself where he knew few if any people, he didn't make himself the center of attention nor did he become a wallflower. He parked himself somewhat centrally and comfortably and smiled at anyone who looked at him. Eventually somebody will get curious and come over and engage in chat.


A partner for life is a good person to be around and with on a date. Start with being that good person (you are already a long way there, not much more needed, just polish).

[EnergizedLib]

17. Thank you

‘Maintain a lightly upbeat persona with people, and yourself. It is good for one's own health, but also very attractive. Smooth, but not glib. Deep but not an abyss. More likely to chuckle at one's own flubs than curse.’

So, I can do self-deprecating humor. I’m not the loud and boisterous type I used to be, but I like to be witty, puns and give zingers. I’ve shown I can make women I’m attracted to laugh, did it with a couple this year.

[ExtremelyWokeMatt]

7. It's never wrong to be honest about what you want

I see some similarities with my story in what you’ve written, and I probably fall on the mild side of the spectrum as well. In my case I’m a gay guy (I don’t think of myself in any gendered way in my mind but I’m fine with the way I was born so I use male pronouns) so that shrinks the pool of available people by a lot, although my story is also complicated. I have a lot of interests, and tend to be very adaptable, so I’ve had issues expressing those kinds of core desires like you did in your writing. I do have someone in mind too but it’s been a long process trying to communicate these things given some other events that happened in the past with someone we both knew mutually which caused a lot of distance. At 29 I feel like I’ve accomplished less than I would have as well had I not been less social. I still write and try to dream of new futures, and even though I have massive stage fright I hope to get back to singing and dancing after a stint with disability.

I’m not sure what to say about the arranged marriage idea. A lot of people in the west reject that idea but it has worked for some. I think a first date wouldn’t be a massive compromise though, maybe with a commitment to as many as it takes to communicate all of what you both want and get on the same page before going ahead if you want enough of the same things. And you don’t seem to have those strict cultural restrictions, just openness to what works, so a ‘ranked choice’ list could work well. People on the spectrum can get accidentally fixated, sometimes for obscure reasons, so I’d recommend trying to make a list of why you enjoy each item on a list along with the ranking if you do that.

As for your wedding ideas… a partner who cares won’t demand too much but will support your preferences to a reasonable degree. It’s not wrong to want the things you’ve mentioned. Planning it together might be a great way to bond and work within whatever budget you need to, there are all kinds of iterations to fit any interests. But remember… while it is your idea of a crowning achievement, it’s about your partner too and making sure their needs get met to the best of your ability. You’ve made a great start expressing this in this post though, maybe use this as a starting point to work from.

I can completely sympathize with the conservative family issues, I’ve had a very hard time with mine. I know how to ‘speak their language’ but find myself wanting to do it less and less with what I saw from Trump and the Q types and ended up limiting contact with people who support that stuff. It’s one thing to have wild fantasies but another to act them out in dangerous ways intentionally. I will probably end up moving out of my very red state too eventually since I want to live somewhere where my future partner isn’t restricted by the local laws/opinions.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

8. Welcome to DU, Matt. . . nt

[ExtremelyWokeMatt]

26. Thanks!

[littlemissmartypants]

13. Hi Matt! Welcome to DU and thanks for visiting us in the Loners Group! ❤️

[EnergizedLib]

18. Welcome

And thank you for the advice.

[IronLionZion]

9. I'm 39 and unmarried so don't worry about it

Learn to love yourself and love will find you. There are plenty of things you can work on yourself. Have you spoken to a therapist about your thoughts and feelings? A qualified professional can help you process and manage it better.

There are plenty of people who are divorced or stuck in unhappy marriages who thought a wedding would make them happy.

I have malicious people in my life trying to arrange my marriage for the wrong reasons. You don't want this.

Good luck!

[EnergizedLib]

19. Thank you

I’m talking with a therapist now. A big problem for me, this is going to sound like an oxymoron, I’m actually a self-loathing narcissist.

[ExtremelyWokeMatt]

24. Do you mean...

That you know you place your well-being high on your list of priorities but don’t see a pathway forward (yet) causing cognitive dissonance? Because that’s not necessarily self-loathing narcissism, although I can understand self-deprecating introspection projected as humor. Sometimes years of abrasive and unhelpful peers or family bring out the worst in us, it’s easy to tip over into what might be deemed immaturity or self-centeredness as a defense mechanism; but sometimes it’s not always you.

You do have the right to live a good life and have nice things and want to be wanted/appreciated. Just be cautious about which parts of yourself and your action-chains you label as wrong or bad. And don’t accept negative feedback automatically if it comes from your own thought streams or from immature/zealous/cranky/hangry peers. Not saying you’re free to do or say whatever at all times without consequence because karma will definitely kick your butt for that at some point unless you run in especially dark circles in which case law enforcement or (eventually) the entire body politic will kick your butt if it’s bad enough (case in point: Trump and cohorts for an extreme example), but I digress.

Good therapy will promote self-healing from old damage, self-appreciation without self-centeredness, and action plans to get out in the world and start finding people to share life and the things you enjoy with so that you can appreciate their company while they appreciate yours. And plenty of us here are also available to pitch in with all of that.

Also kick anyone to the curb pronto if they promote imbalanced advice or only look at your flaws.

I’d also add it’s hard to say for sure whether a list of your interests and theirs will capture the true essence of a feel-good relationship that will unfold naturally, so don’t be too religious about checking and confirming every preference you or someone you meet has. If it helps to look at it from a math perspective… remember that there can be multiple decimal points and dimensions to each integer or ‘list based line item’ (all math is symbolic abbreviation after all). As human beings with billions of neurons we’re naturally fairly wobbly, it takes a lot of effort to do the exact same thing the exact same way each time, so if you let any emotional glaciers shift a bit you’ll probably uncover something new and enjoyable with each stage you go through in life.

[EnergizedLib]

30. What I mean is

I am a clinically depressed person who often hates life, but puts himself on a pedestal in his own head, demanding praise and attention and wanting to be the center of it.

I know what I’m capable of, but the problem is that so many others don’t. I have a job that turned me down twice before finally getting hired on my third application to it. Now I’ve been in it for three years and am very well received not only by my bosses (though I was hired under old management no longer there), but also many in the community.

I believe if I was given an actual, proper chance, I become someone’s special someone. Very, very seldom have I gotten much of a chance at all and those who did didn’t stay long, even though I never had a major blowup or fight with either of them.

I’m not worried about someone not checking every preference I have because I know everybody has something about them their partner doesn’t like. I didn’t like both of my partners had tattoos, but it’s whatever.

If anything, I used to be terrified if I didn’t check off a woman’s every preference, one wrong move and that would be it for me.

Then again, I used to not be able to get a date to save my life and five months of romance is still better than nothing at all.

I just know I’d like more.

[ExtremelyWokeMatt]

31. I can understand that

It took a long time to even think about something longer than a date or two since I don’t find that spark with many people. Sometimes I’ve applied different self defense mechanisms like stickers to see if anything works better than my usual while waiting, but it’s ultimately the loner part that needs fixing for me first, minus overcompensation

I also have stage fright that is also a little bit random, so I know about the whole ‘chance to shine’ bit that can be difficult to define. I’ve backed out of a number of opportunities because I was/felt solo and unsupported in the way I actually wanted/needed and didn’t articulate that that was the case

I give people tons of chances, even if they don’t always deserve them, since, given enough time, people often can change for the better, but it sounds like we both have an issue giving ourselves the same opportunity to get more opportunities, and articulating the words to get to that environment that’s best for finding a partner

(Sidebar: depression itself seems to be caused by magnifying negative aspects instead of neutral or positive ones; sometimes it’s temporarily or permanently uncontrollable for some people, and in some cases there’s just nothing obviously helpful nearby to pull someone out of over-processing. I find totally-good memories or ideas a nice fallback to help recalibrate, no matter how short/long/complex/commonplace; sometimes breathing exercises too. Mindfulness doesn’t work for everyone all the time, we’re all wired a little differently, so mastering that ‘catch’ can be a project at first. Some people even turn them into symbols and make them into art/jewelry/tattoos/trinkets etc to remind them they still exist in dark periods once they’ve found them)

Just keep in mind we’re both fairly young, and you’ve made it into the job you wanted! So stay safe, try to appreciate neutrality when there’s nothing extremely positive or negative happening, and maybe look for ways to become a bit more visible than you’ve been.

I just got myself some new properly fitting suits for the first time for example, I actually feel like I can be visible in any kind setting/workplace for the first time, which is nice (neutral+ if I had to rank it but that still counts as meaningful progress)

Anything you can think of to make that first step out again? I don’t know if there are direct messages on here but I’m happy to help with whatever any time, I enjoy reformulating and rewording until something clicks for someone

[Hugh_Lebowski]

10. My humble advice is take care of yourself first

Do things that make you feel good about you. Eat well, exercise, make plans and then execute them. Do a good job at work. Earn raises and promotions (if you want them). Maintain a nice appearance, esp. in public. Volunteer somewhere you'll interact with people. Take up an instrument if you're into music, even if you're not that naturally talented, it's still fun.

Basically, my best advice is do things to build your own confidence, and make you feel good about you.

This has two huge benefits.

First is ... it's inherently attractive to potential partners when they perceive that you ... feel good about you. Not cocky, just ... you don't dislike yourself.

Second is ... you won't feel as sad about being on your own for the time that you are. Being truly comfortable alone (i.e. not in a loving relationship) has all kinds of benefits, actually. Which leads me to ...

Lastly, there's not much that's less generally attractive to women than a man conveying 'desperation'. I don't mean to reduce this to animal instinct, but we are animals, and we're wired a certain way when it comes to relationships and sex (and all kinds of other things).

We want what we perceive OTHER people want (or would want, if they knew about it). It's practically at the core of our being as primates. Again, this is broadly speaking here ... but it's instinctual.

I'm not saying you should lie, or make up stories, but you will undermine your efforts by doing things like talking about wanting marriage straight off, esp. since you aren't looking for a right-wing woman.

Good luck out there. You sound like a solid dude.

[EnergizedLib]

20. Thank you

I’ve checked off some of that stuff. I’m very career-oriented and dedicated to my job, having earned raises (plural). I do groom and keep after that way and am trying to volunteer now. I do have a few extra pounds and don’t have much time for an instrument.

This feeling comes and it goes. I was miserable for much of yesterday and I wrote my original post because I couldn’t sleep last night. I’m not as lonesome and down now. It’s more of a feeling that happens now, whereas it used to happen all the time.

[Timeflyer]

11. On the spectrum in a rural area is rough, but

you are still young--your male brain just finished developing about 4-5 years ago. Forget the wedding--females have a deep need to orchestrate their own and anyone else's wedding, we can't help it (well, I couldn't). Forget meeting potential mates, just meet new friends. Move out of rural area if possible, and once you move, volunteer for organizations that resonate with your interests and concerns. Let your spectrum freak flag fly, you're wonderful as you are. Let people get to know you. If they don't accept you as you truly are, deep down, don't hang around.

Now, after all that bossy blah, blah--lonely is hard. It hurts. Don't give up. Get professional counsel to talk to, if you can, and don't let anyone scare you off taking prescription medication--sometimes it makes a huge positive difference. But mostly don't give up--your future is out there.

[EnergizedLib]

21. Thanks

I’m going to move out of the rural area one day, but I absolutely have to have some things at my wedding. I need to DJ my music, have the bride come down to what I want played and I must gloat.

Everything else she can have at it.

The thing about forgetting potential mates, meet new friends, I don’t mind that. I just can’t see myself befriending women. For the most, I can’t just be friends with a woman. I know what I want and am not good at faking or pretending, wanting to be true to myself.

[jmbar2]

12. When I was much younger and suffering a broken heart...

an older woman gave me the best advice of my life.

She said "What if you NEVER finding the perfect person?" In that case, you want to live the best life you can imagine. Do everything that you want to do, pursue interests, and make your life a work of art.

The advice was priceless. None of the subsequent loves lasted, but I've led a full and interesting life.

May your luck be better than mine. But if not, create a fabulous life for yourself anyway.

[EnergizedLib]

22. Thank you

There’s no such thing as a perfect person. Your partner is bound to have something you don’t like that.

I guess the difference I’ve seen in myself is my college self felt like a failure for not having anybody despite succeeding in other walks of life. I felt like the biggest loser on the planet.

Now, I really want to get married, but I know success/failure isn’t defined by that.

[littlemissmartypants]

14. Hi Energized. There's lots of love in this group and many thoughtful and compassionate suggestions.

I'll add one more. Without fail, at least in my life, the more I've wanted something, ruminated about something the more it slipped my grasp. As soon as I surrendered, stopped trying so hard, it miraculously appeared. Maybe that will work for you.

Good luck! Stay encouraged. And please keep us posted.

❤️ pants

[EnergizedLib]

23. Here's my experiences

The whole it’ll happen when you least expect it - there is some truth to that. I met both of my partners I had on OkCupid. I can’t say I was expecting what happened to happen, but I was still putting myself out there and making progress towards what I wanted.

My first girlfriend - I wasn’t expecting anything when we first started chatting, but right before we met, I had a strong feeling years of toil and anguish of never having had a girlfriend was going to be washed away. I was right.

My second partner, it was harder to get a read on her because we talked but didn’t flirt so much before we met. Then things got really good and intimate for the month we saw each other.

Then I’ve had really good vibes about other women I met who dumped me after the first date.

So, I don’t know. I do know for or two I did stop looking, didn’t focus on that and was content in my career and still got no attention from women. I did have a date with somebody I canceled due to it being a small town and who her ex was, I didn’t want it being awkward.

[usonian]

25. Marriage is about relationships. You need to first build relationships.

Some will work out. Some won't.

But you'll have a good idea of your future life together if you let the relationship develop and ask each other what they are planning and dreaming of.

Things change, of course, and will probably work out differently, but the process has been established for clearly understanding each other and no guesswork involved.

And sometimes, it's like lightning.

I met someone via a personals ad in a singles magazine (Yeah I'm THAT old). Married shortly thereafter.

We built the relationship over time, centered around a very wonderful daughter.

Of course, intentions need to be made clear. When? I don't know. I guess it's like those interview questions: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now?" I recall being asked that once, and got it completely wrong, no doubt. So what's wrong with programming on the beach in Hawaii? Well, I was way ahead of my time. It's standard procedure now. I have this problem, seeing things ahead of their time. Bosses used to ridicule me, until they found out I was right. Too late. Sigh. Most bosses are NOT bright.

But first

• Understand who you really are, especially your values. Be consistent.
• Be a whole person. Nobody is going to fill your missing pieces or hold them together, and
• Find someone who's also whole and consistent, with a moral compass.

• Fixing is for therapists. If you aren't "there", get there before being a drag on someone else's life.
• People (partners) want to be happy. Be happy with yourself first, or you can't make anyone else happy. (especially kids!)

Buddhists have four "immeasurables" that are good to follow.
• Loving-kindness: responding with kindness & patience,
• Compassion: the natural response to inequality, aversion & unfairness,
• Sympathetic Joy: joy produced by others’ success and good fortune,
• Equanimity: enjoy beauty and joy without demanding them; don't let misfortune knock you down. Stuff happens, good and bad.


More here: excerpt from a book that helped me early on,
https://www.abuddhistlibrary.com/Buddhism/B%20-%20Theravada/Teachers/Ajaan%20Sumedho/The%20Way%20It%20Is/25-shine.htm

[Doodley]

28. I was a hermit most my life. I empathize with you. Don't give up.

It's just the law of statistical probabilities that everyone has somebody out there that is right for them. There's somebody for you. I am very much like you. Always beating myself up, very little confidence, but then I found somebody, and all that stuff no longer matters. I had a stammer when I was a teenager. The kids at school would laugh when I tried to speak. I gave up speaking for a whole year and turned into myself. It's hard to come out of that once you get those intrusive thoughts that are putting yourself down. So, it's not BS to say I know how hard it is. Please IM me. I can be your advocate.

[EnergizedLib]

29. Thank you