I am a lousy Buddhist and sometimes I hate meditation.

[cali]

I also couldn't get through without it.

I took refuge vows almost 22 years ago and then bodhisattva vows a year or so after that at Karme Choling.

I used to be a runner and I mostly hated the getting ready to run and the first few minutes of running- and too often I never found the rhythm and grace of it. That's how I feel about meditating. I do it, some days for only 15 minutes, other days for much longer.

some days when I ran though, man they were great. I'd lope across down the field and through the woods down to the road and then loop back up the road to home.

I've been meditating for hours every day for the last couple of weeks. It's been hard and good and sucky and just what it is.

I wish I could do a dathun- a month long retreat again. That is a revelatory experience.

[enough]

1. Sounds familiar. Sometimes I am a lousy human and I hate existence.

Not always.

[gtar100]

2. Dukkha.

Just that.

[cali]

3. no. just that

or more accurately not just that.

[pangaia]

4. You know, I was really glad to see what you have to say.

I have been meditating for.. well since 1968..
And still I find it the same as you say. It is what it is, and so is living.

[cali]

5. aw, I'm glad my dear. and be of good cheer. it is what is and it is what we we view it as

[leftyladyfrommo]

6. I have been meditating for many years.

Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's not.

I read the dharma. I read the works of the Zen Masters. It keeps me inspired. It also keeps me inspired to do no harm, to keep my heart open, to always be compassionate, to enjoy my life.

"Sitting quietly, doing nothing,

Spring comes,

and the grass grows by itself "

Kenrin Kushu

[libodem]

7. I have a monkey mind

It is hard not to chase the thoughts. I'm very out of practice. I'd be fortunate to follow my breath to the end of my nostrils these days. So even though comparison is not a guiding principle, you win.

[cali]

8. My dear libodem, we all have monkey minds. It is a very large and very non-exclusive

club. Here it is at 3:00 in the morning and I'm monkey minding it all over the place.

I know just what you mean about not breathing further than your.... nose. Isn't it nice that meditation isn't a competition? Not with others and not with yourself or the Universe or whatever.

Cheers and hugs

Cali

[libodem]

9. .

[leftyladyfrommo]

10. Eknath Eshwaren (a Hindu)

used to say that if meditation is easy you aren't learning anything.

When it is hard then you are learning and that is the time you need to meditate the most.

[cali]

11. yes. that's what my teacher, Chogyam Trungpa said too- in a different way of course

the last few weeks have been a time where I needed it badly and it helps immeasurably. I have been on a break from DU- except for this thread. I've put together a sort of mini-at-home Dathun which is, in reality, a long functional silence group meditation retreat with formal Zen dining/eating called oryoki. I've been at it for 3 weeks. Another week or so more. Lots of meditating mixed in with spring cleaning and planting seeds and such.

I have a friend who once said to me that meditation is said to heal the broken mind/spirit. It's rejuvenating for me to have engaged in this quasi dathun.

Happy Spring.

cheer,

cali

[Manifestor_of_Light]

12. Chogyam Trungpa? Somebody famous.

Hmm.
I live in the middle of nowhere and therefore don't have a sangha.

In the city I went to the UU church and the Mahayana temple. Now I got neither.

I also study Hinduism sometimes, as I consider Theravada the distilled version of Hinduism without the gods. Shakyamuni only kept karma, dharma and reincarnation.

Buddhism is awfully difficult to understand sometimes by yourself. At least for me.

[cali]

14. I live in the middle of nowhere too, but it happens to me the middle of nowhere

near Karme Choling which Chogyam Trungpa founded back in the 70s.

and yes, I wouldn't have come to what understanding I have without teachers and some programs.

[Maraya1969]

13. My last OP post was about hating on my brother. I forget compassion at the drop of

a hat. Today I have been meditating on and off but I usually leave it for right before bed when I really need it in the morning and throughout the day.

But I love Buddhism because it teaches you to be non-judgmental so after I meditated I feel now compassion and forgiveness for my brother and forgiveness for myself.

I think I need to work on the compassion for myself thing. Being harsh to myself is the same as being harsh to another. And it just makes me unhappy and robs me of opportunity to feel comfortable.

I have had a physical problem that has kept me away from the Buddhist center that I found in my town a couple months ago. Basically it is my sinuses and they will just run and I have to run and grab a tissue so I felt like I was bothering the meditations by getting up and running to the bathroom to blow my nose several times during the sessions. But I think they have isolated the problem, (please!) and I start with IV antibiotics tomorrow or shortly thereafter. Hopefully it will get better quickly. From what I have read my thoughts created this? I don't know. I have never been this sick for this long in my life. I was with another doctor who actually did surgery on my nose to try and fix it. It was only when I went for a second opinion that the new doctor found this particular bacteria that is hard to get rid of.

I don't know why I went off on that subject. If anyone knows if it means anything I would love to hear about it. I don't think it does because I heard the Dali Lama speak and he said that he had his gall bladder taken out so maybe we get physical problems as a way of learning lessons.

I know know but I will try to be nice and speak nicely and think of people with compassion today.

[cali]

15. everything you say is so true

I'm so sorry you're having sinus problems and hope it clears up for you in short order.

It is hard to learn how to carve compassion out for ourselves- real compassion and not "idiot compassion" or self-pity. I try and meditate in the mornings, but don't always get there, and now that I'm off of my month long self-made retreat of LOTS of meditation, it's harder- plus on days when I hobble up to the stone meditation labyrinth a half mile from my house and do that, I tend to say to myself: "Now I don't need to do sitting meditation". bzzzt.

I wish you all success in finding compassion for yourself (and getting those sinuses in working order)

Eva