friends need help, mentally ill grown son at home

[wordpix]

My friends in their early 70's have a grown son, age 30, living at home who is mentally ill. His personal hygiene is terrible, he has a college degree and is very smart but spends all day sleeping and all night writing code on several computers; he cannot connect with members of the opposite sex or former/potential friends due to his antisocial behavior and strange looks (filthy stringy hair down to his waist, for example), and each week he gets more violent. He throws things, punches holes in their walls, breaks up furniture, tells his parents to DIE, blames them for all his troubles, etc. He refuses to help around the house or clean up after himself. His parents are providing food, shelter, health insurance, cable and computers, but he throws a fit if they ask him to wash a plate. The son's rationality is just gone.

My friends say they can't do anything b/c if they ask him to leave and they change the locks, he will be homeless and angrier, and could return to burn down their house or worse. Friends do not think jail will help, either. So far the son has a short record ---he's been admitted to a hospital where they only observed him a few hrs. and then let him leave, and he was also taken into custody for abuse of his mother, resulting in a hearing but no penalty. He has to commit a crime to go to jail, which so far he hasn't done.

The son is an adult and does not want help. He refuses to avail himself of mental health services in the community, which are few but at least there's something.

Has anyone been through something like this? I would like to offer helpful suggestions to my friends but can see why they're stuck in this neverending limbo which is ruining their lives. They are fearful, for one thing, about what the son might do if they insist he go out on his own. They are also fearful for him b/c he will be homeless.

[Arkansas Granny]

1. Have your friends contacted the mental health facilities available to see

if they have any suggestions on how to address this problem?

[kickysnana]

3. Given the state of things in this country if it were me I would sell the house and go on an extended

vacation while they can.

They have done all they can and should do for him. You do not have to let your children kill you.

[HereSince1628]

4. IMO, they need professional advice, legal and psychiatric

Mental illness by definition results in dysfunction.

Is the dysfunction enough to get him arrested if complaints are sworn out or is the dysfunction serious enough to result in involuntary detention if it is sought are questions whose answer require legal and psychiatric expertise.

You may find helpful references to an appropriate mental health services, for the elderly adults as well as the suspected mentally ill son, through the appropriate state's National Alliance on Mental Illness state website.

[Ilsa]

5. He sounds like he is unmedicated and

unable to see the reality of his situation and the probable consequences of his behavior.

I think the parents need to talk to each other and decide how far they are willing to go in the event "abandoning" him becomes a recommendation. It sounds like they aren't willing to do this yet.

It also depends on whether the son has always been this way or had onset of his illness later, like in college. If it was later, I wonder if the parents could legally acquire guardianship of him. Then he legally would not have the right to refuse treatment, etc.

Too many unknowns. The parents need a lawyer, perhaps one who works with disability and guardianship issues.

[cbayer]

6. They should contact NAMI, the national alliance on mental illness.

The have state and local chapters who should be able to provide information on their alternatives, including involuntary commitment for evaluation and treatment.

Laws vary from state to state, but from your description, I would be concerned about potential dangerousness.

Best of luck to them.