how can i help my son?

[mopinko]

so, my son was raped by a boy on the block when he was 10. he didnt tell me till 15 yrs later.
he is a mess. trapped. wants nothing but to smoke weed all day.
i had to kick him out of my house 3 yrs ago. he was stealing anything that was worth anything, and threatening me.
he got himself into serious legal trouble shortly afterward by fleeing the police. he wasnt doing anything wrong. he was doing door dash and had a delivery for a military base. they turned him away, then called the cops. bad idea. duh. but he and i both think he may have had a seizure from the lights. he had more than a couple concussions as a kid, and epilepsy from head injuries runs in the family.
now he has an outstanding warrant and cant get a decent job. i tried to set him up w a lawyer so he could get it straightened out, but he cant do that either.

at least when he was here, he played the drums for hours.
now he doesnt even have that. i offered to buy him a guitar and/or an electronic drum kits. he cant make a lot of noise where he is. but no.

his dad and i both were sending him money, but he bit us for that. spent it on weed, then got mad at us when the weed ran out.

everyone in the family has begged him to get help. before he left i had to call 911 on him twice. they tried to give him 30 days, but he refused to take any meds so they cut him lose.
my nephew took him in for a while, but he didnt live up to their agreement and he drank up the man's booze.
everyone told him- get back to us when you get some help.
i sent him a xmas package, and we chatted a bit. i begged him again to just find a support group. i get not wanting to see a shrink, or take meds. but just knowing he isnt the only one would go a long way, i know.
he blames all his troubles on me. i've at least tried to direct his anger at the right person. but i wasnt the mom i wanted to be, and i get that when that happens to you as a kid, you direct it at the person who didnt protect you. so, not sure how much he can take that to heart.

this is an anchor on my heart. my other kids still have issues w me, but they are all living good lives. the gap hurts, but this. this feels like it might kill me.

any words of wisdom?

[jmbar2]

1. My suggestion

Attend the next available meeting of Al Anon. They'll get you pointed in the right direction.

In order to help him, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. Al anon can get your started.

Give the group 10 sessions or so. It's not a one-hit solution. Some of the messages might be discomforting at first. Don't quit. Stick with it.

You're in a tough spot. The helpers are out there for you.

Good luck!

[mopinko]

3. if it were for this plague...

but thanks for the tip. as the child of an alcoholic, i know they do good work.

[Phoenix61]

2. This might be helpful.

There’s info for family members.
https://www.rainn.org/articles/adult-survivors-child-sexual-abuse

[mopinko]

5. thank you.

i texted him the link to the section about men and boys.
he's had a couple of gfs, but being that he is in the state he is in, he picked a couple psychos.

he's internalized that, too. he's sure he will never have love.

[janterry]

4. In a way, as long as you carry this burden

you are both stuck.

I'm not saying that if you forgive yourself, it will all get better for him. But, you MUST forgive yourself. That is VERY important for him, too.

You and he are in this dysfunctional relationship. Something bad happened to him. Maybe many bad things happened. He blames you. You are accepting the guilt and blame and --so, he gives you more.

You have to unstick YOURSELF from this - does that make sense? Our job - all of us - is to find a path in life. Sometimes that involves a bit of work. Active healing. YOU must do this first. Then he will see what you have done. That big finger of guilt that he has spent his life pointing at others - and you - well. He'll be left with is own anger and accusations. And when he looks to you he will see a mother that has healed - has learned to actively heal herself.

That's the example you can set for him.

As long as you accept his blame and guilt - he's as stuck as you are. Set the example. See a therapist. Go to a group. Find solidarity with others who have healed.

Much love to you this new year.

[mopinko]

6. thank you.

this year brought me much self reflection, not least of which is grappling w my failures as a mom.
i have rejected guilt, i did my best. i was in poor health, going from doc to doc, for nothing.
but i have regrets. a different animal. i've apologized to all of them for my failings, but now it's up to them.

another part of that reflection has been on my relationship w my da. a failed genius. someone i grew afraid of, which turned to hate. but we were so close when i was little, and he gave me so many gifts that enrich my life every day.
i've tried to make a point to them that if they can just not judge me, they can truly own the gifts i gave to them. that i passed down to them from all my ancestors. until they do that, they cant rly own them. they grudgingly admit to some of it, like i often did.
but that's up to them.

if it werent for the plague, i could reach out irl. i do have a friend who was molested by a priest. he knows the kid, too. but i cant figure out how to connect them. maybe that is an effort worth undertaking.
it feels wrong to share his story w others, tho. it's not my story to tell.
i did tell the family. but others? seems wrong. afaik, i'm the only one he ever told.
he swears i didnt believe him when he told me, but i did. i knew when he told me when it happened. i remember a big fight w this family, and a message he wrote on a garage door- joel is a faggot. i recognized the handwriting. i kick myself that i said nothing at the time.

[angstlessk]

7. Sounds like you've come up with something....

He may believe you believe him if you hook him up with another person who can relate to his trauma. Specially if they can help him heal.

Seems nothing else is working?

[mopinko]

8. i did talk to this person.

he was comforting, but i hoped he would offer to reach out but didnt.
we had a nice long chat, and basically, said the same as above. that he has to want do it, and he has to do it.

i messaged him on his bday, earlier this month. and he didnt reply to my messages.
i paid his rent for the month. no thanks.

so, hoping things that i said will soak in w time.
trying to figure what comes next.

i also did talk to the mom of the gf that he had. she is the one who bailed him out. they had a big thing, then she flipped out. she got 30 days in the psyche ward, and decided he was literally the devil.
and since i raised him, i must be one too.
she ended up w some of his things and wants me to pay her back for the bail money, and damage to her car to get his stuff back. i did chat w her, but...

not sure where the stuff is. mom thinks it might be in a shed at her place, but it might be in the daughter's store room. i think mom will give it back if she has it.
have to poke her, cuz she couldnt get to the shed w all the snow we had here.
not sure if getting his things back will help or hurt. there is a native american flute in there that would be good to get back to him. dont think he cares a lot about any of the other stuff.
not sure if it will only make him angry all over about her.

but sometimes digging up old anger allows it to dissipate in a way that keeping it in never will. so, if i get the stuff, i will pack it up and mail it to him.

have passed messages to the other kids, through dad, to encourage them to reach out. but they are tired of it all. he spews quite a bit of bile when confronted at all, even if it is done w kindness.

i'll keep looking for a crack to let the light in. moms dont give up.

[angstlessk]

9. You're right, moms don't give up.

Not sure your ages, but perhaps when you are 70'ish and he 50'ish there may be a coming together?

Could be worth the wait?

[mopinko]

10. i'm 67, he just turned 30.

he's my 4th kid, 2 marriages. his bday was hard.

also, i'm irish and that grudge thing we do is real. when i traced my family tree i found all kinds of ppl i never heard of that lived not far away. something i try not to do, but...