Should I be angry by the lack of support my wife's family is willing to contribute?

[Joe Nation]

I certainly know that anger only hurts those that harbor it. I feel that being angry doesn't help any situation. However, my spouse has two siblings, both professionals, that are completely unwilling to contribute to the longterm care their elderly mother desperately needs. As retirees, we are on a fixed income and paying the entire cost of the care while we watch the siblings buy new cars, take expensive family vacations, and claim to not be able to contribute a dime to their parents healthcare. This will impact the money we have set aside for our longterm care and thus affect our kids futures. Resentful? I'm thinking I'm resentful.

[blm]

1. They should at least contribute a nominal sum

Even a few hundred a month would usually make a difference. It’s a matter of decency and respect.

[MLAA]

2. What did the cheapskates say when you asked them?

I’d say he guys, we can’t afford the home anymore, so you’ll need to pick up mom for 4 months, then take her to the next sibling then we’ll cover the next 4 months. Not that you’d really do it, but that should stir em up.

[Skittles]

3. you have confronted them directly?

if so and they refuse, they are indeed assholes

[Joe Nation]

5. Yes! Now for the generalizion.

One couple is a pair of lawyers and the other is a PhD. They have never been good with money but now their lack of foresight is costing us a large chunk of our retirement. So much fun....

[MaryMagdaline]

4. These situations are complex.

Saying “I can’t contribute” might really mean “I don’t agree with your decision to get mom private care. I’m totally ok with her being in a Medicaid only nursing home without any of us dipping into our own pockets.”
I don’t know what your in-laws contributed to their children and whether they favored some children over the others.
I don’t know if your MIL was unkind to any of her children.
I don’t know if your in-laws are ok with giving up their inheritance while you care for your MIL or if they are the type to have their hands out.
If you are getting totally dumped on, then yes, you have a right to be angry but you might as well consider your wife as an only child and act accordingly.
Be prepared, however. The caregiver gets abused even by the sick or elderly person. The more you do, the more you get blamed.
Please have a care plan for you and your wife … time set aside for your own events and your own time alone. Take care of your own sanity.
Been through it with MIL and husband. Watched friends go through it. Caregiver stress is some of the worst stress I’ve ever experienced.

[Joe Nation]

9. Thank you. Good advice.

A few clarifications:

There is no inheritance of any kind. The level of care is absolutely necessary and soon to increase. They completely agree with the care needed. They are just unwilling to pay any amount. Their children are adults at this point. Finally, my wife is a phenomenal caregiver and loves her mother very much. She has always been the one to attend to her mother's needs. All we are asking is for the other two to contribute to the cost of the care she needs. The sad part is that they have money and they are working but consider their own needs above all.

[snpsmom]

6. I agree completely with #4

We just lost my mom, who, in one way or another, has depended upon my husband and me for over two decades. My brother washed his hands of her years ago. Similarly, we cared for my father-in-law when several of my husband's siblings were closer and more financially able to help.

Anger and resentment are natural responses, however, you as a caregiver also have choices. For both my mom and my father-in-law there came a time when long term care that we did not provide or help pay for was the only option.

In the end, I have learned to let go of my negative feelings toward those family members and be at peace with the choices my husband and I made that reflect our values and character. I wish you and your wife strength and peace in what is a challenging season of life.

[Joe Nation]

7. 100% AGREE!!!

I'm just venting I guess.

[snpsmom]

8. Absolutely

understandable. Sending hugs.

[Joe Nation]

10. Completely agree and maybe I will get there eventually

The way I see it is that we are modeling the behavior that we would Iike to see in our children as we have always done.

I guess that my in-laws are modeling the behavior that they will eventually see in their own children.

Their kids will be the ones to pay them back in the end.