Losing a parent before you lose the parent

[MissMillie]

My mom has Alzheimer's-related dementia. She's been slipping for a while, but today she said something that truly scared me.

I go over to my folk's place a couple of days every week to cook for them. Today, as we were waiting for the pork chops to bake, my dad was talking about an annual outing his work used to put on for its employees and their families. He reminded me that my mom won a contest at the outing one year. He recounted, "she won a prize for throwing a rolling pin at her husband!" And she did. (The husbands were behind a padded board. My mom hit the board more often than any of the wives.

My mom said, "Who was my husband back then? Was it you?" (My parents have been married only to each other for more than 68 years.)

I asked her, "Well, how many husbands have you had, Mom?" She responded, "I don't know!"

I guess I knew that one day she'd wake up next to him and not know who he is, but I'm realizing that day is coming sooner rather than later.

It was all I could do to keep from crying in front of her. I had to hold it in until I left the house.

She turned 85 on Monday, but I'm still not ready to lose her. But I am losing her, and it hurts like hell.

[dlk]

1. My Mother Recently Passed Away With Alzheimer's

It’s a long and painful process for the family. My heart goes out to you. The only comfort is your mother is unaware. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

[MFM008]

2. I know

We watched my beautiful mom slip away over months from infections until she died Jan 1 this year.
😭😭😢
Try to stay strong.

[kimbutgar]

3. My Mother also had the dementia for 8 years, probably even earlier.

Everytime I would see her she seemed a little less of herself. I went from being the child to the parent. My Dad died in 1997 and she lived alone all those years being pretty independent. About 2 years before she was diagnosed I had an awful time with her. She accused me of taking her money( which I had no access to). Asking why I didn’t call her when I had spoke to her an hour earlier. When she passed in 2016 I was sad but relieved. She was a tough woman who no longer was herself. I miss my Mother but she left me long before she died. I kept her in her house and had wonderful caregivers who lived with her. They took really good care of her and always kept her clean even when she fought with them about taking a bath. I had no guilt that I gave her the best years with her dementia. Hug your Mom and tell you love her and be supportive of your Dad who will need you even more.

I feel for you.

[Siwsan]

4. That's what my mother died of, 4 years ago this month

She forgot who most everyone was - she called my brother by my Dad's name. But, for some reason, she always recognized me. I always found that ironic because, out of her children, we had the most contentious relationship.

The most difficult phase was when she was always so angry. Always threatening to call the police on us or accusing us of stealing from her. But then, a few months before she died, she went into a very child like, somewhat contented phase that lasted until she took a fall. From there it was a quick spiral.

I look back, now, and try to pinpoint when the disease first made it's appearance. I was the one who was always helping her, after my Dad died, so I think the gradual change was lost, on me. Then I went into a short denial phase. It's a hard diagnosis to accept.

My heart will be with you, as you go through this transition.

[SWBTATTReg]

5. Hugs to you, hugs. Hang in there MissMillie. It is hard, very hard. Also, give your dad ...

(which I am sure you did) a big hug too. Check into DU and chat w/ your friends here and vent/let off air/chat, there are a lot of us that have the same issues w/ our loved ones too, and it is really hard, real hard.

[Neema]

6. I'm so sorry.

My mother has been battling dementia for over ten years. In my case my mother was an abusive, needy woman who complained constantly. As dementia took hold, all of that went away. She's happy and content and loving. It's very hard to process. It's like she's slipped away and been replaced by someone I would have been happy to call my mother. But at the same time she's just a nice stranger with whom I have no bond. I'm sorry to see her suffering, as I would be with anyone, but I feel none of the emotions you describe.

Still, I can imagine how hard it would be to lose someone you love so much to this terrible disease. And I'm sorry it's happening to you.

[woodsprite]

7. I'm so sorry that your family is going through this.

People who haven't been touched in some way by Alzheimer's, dementia, or Pick's have little idea of how it affects the whole family.

We're in that process right now with my FIL. I've known him for 42 years. Have been his daughter-in-law for 34 of those. I miss him for myself, for my husband, and for our kids who will miss his guidance and the passing down of his knowledge and advice. I miss him for my MIL who has been his constant companion for 63 years. He's at the stage where Mom is his security blanket. She can't leave his side.

It's good that you're able to be with them frequently. Even if your mom is having issues remembering, at least you're there for your dad. I watched some videos provided by one of the Alzheimer support groups about how to communicate with patients when their memory really starts fading and it helped when we were visiting with Dad over Xmas.

Holding you and your family in my thoughts.

[milestogo]

8. I'm so sorry.

Your post reminded me of the song Glen Campbell wrote after he knew he had alzheimers...

[NurseJackie]

10. Thank you.

[NurseJackie]

9. Sending love.

You can never be fully ready. You can only be "not surprised"... but nobody is ever prepared.

I'm watching my sister slip away. I fear that what I see happening to her is going to happen to me. Every time grasp for a word, or someone's name... I wonder: is it starting?