Candidate Profile: Who is Bernie Sanders?
Independent Vermont senator and self-proclaimed “democratic socialist” Bernie Sanders officially declared his candidacy in the 2016 election Thursday. Here’s what you need to know about the presidential hopeful:
Given name: Bernice
Nickname: The Vermont Bonecrusher
Media Strategy: Name plastered all over countless rejected Senate bills
Biggest Political Liability: Completely out of touch with the average American corporation
Campaign Promises: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here
Key Endorsements: Burlington Free Press; Brattleboro Reformer; Vermonters for Schools and Community
Campaign Slogan: “One percent of this country owns 38 percent of the wealth. The bottom 60 percent owns 2.3 percent. We are essentially living in an oligarchy, one that is headed for the edge of the cliff if we do not address the social and economic inequalities that are propelling this downward spiral. How can we ever expect to reclaim the respect and support of the international community when we are starting wars in the name of democracy? When in our own country we are handing out $285 million-dollar severance packages while millions of Americans, even with the Affordable Care Act, remained uninsured? I’m telling you, the warning signs are here, and we must act. My name is Bernie Sanders.”
Previous Occupation: CEO of Altria
Potential Forthcoming Signature Ben & Jerry’s Flavor: ‘Corporaisins Are Not Pecan-ple’ Crunch; Single-Payer Heath-Care; Undelectable Candydate
Daily Workout Routine: 180 lbs. deadlift (3 sets x 10 reps); 160 lbs. shoulder press (3 sets x 10 reps); 90 lbs. bicep curls (5 sets
each arm x 12 reps); 110 lbs. skullcrusher (2 sets x 10 reps); 320 lbs. bench press (2 sets x 8 reps)
Campaign Donations: Non-refundable
Vermont Public Radio Show: Power Of Darkness Bernie Sanders Metal Hour
Dangerously Radical Fringe Views: Reform Wall Street, avoid costly and ineffective conflicts in Middle East, help working families prosper
http://www.theonion.com/articles/who-is-bernie-sanders,38525/
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