As sure some people are that they are in the end stage of their disease

[angstlessk]

They do not want to do hospice..or end of life..cause it feels like giving up!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. This is true, and very unfortunate.

By refusing to accept their reality, they are hurting themselves and their families and loved ones.

[angstlessk]

2. CaliforniaPeggy..I have seen you for years here

I do not even want to think of you not being here for years to come!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. You are too kind, my dear angstlessk!

I expect to have many more years here...

[angstlessk]

4. I Pray so..even as an athiest

I have watched your comments and OP's ....since I was here...you are one of the greatest..

[CaliforniaPeggy]

5. Thank you so much! That is really kind of you...

[auntAgonist]

6. Peggy, with due respect, I don't agree with your assertion.

My Mum didn't want hospice It didn't hurt any of us or her. We did manage to have a nurse come in to do overnights in the final week of her life.
Mum wanted to maintain hope. She knew she was dying.

I guess it begs the question, Why should they accept "their reality"?

Not wanting to start an argument here as it is a VERY sensitive issue but I think it's important enough for discussion.

aA
kesha

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. I think that there are individuals who need that hope, however they can do it.

Your Mum was certainly one of those, and I respect her choice, esp. since she was comfortable. At least I hope she was.

I tend to be the kind of person who wants to face the reality, no matter how hard it is, no matter if it destroys any hope I might have. I want to know exactly what's going on.

We all have choices, of course, and this is the heart of the matter. What works for one may not for another.

You're right, of course. This is important enough for discussion.

[No Vested Interest]

8. How can any of us know until we are in that moment?

We cannot predict that moment (unless we are already almost there), and we cannot predict the circumstances.

For that reason, I prefer to leave my options open, hoping I'll have the opportunity to decide closer to the event.
If the option is not given at that time, I'll trust my loved ones to decide and do what they believe is in my best interest and what I would prefer.

Yes, I realize that sometimes legal issues can intervene, or not. That is a risk I'll take.

Edited to add: I respect the different choices others may have.

[auntAgonist]

11. Thanks for you well thought out response Peggy. My Mum faced everything head on. On her impending

death though, she wanted hope. She knew of course that there was no hope as time went by.

It's funny, she came from a generation who barely were able to utter the word "cancer"

She didn't want attention and she very seldom told anyone of her diagnosis.
It caused a bit of an issue in our family.

My family is all in Scotland. She corresponded with her sister a lot but only told her that she was 'sick'
My aunt arranged to fly over to Canada for a visit that fall. When I spoke to my Mum about my aunt coming over she insisted that she not be told of her terminal illness.

This bothered me. Kept me up nights and started to really take it's toll on my heart. I was so upset. As a sister I would want to know.

I "overstepped my bounds" and called my aunt, missing her by a few minutes but my uncle answered.
I explained to him that if Mary wanted to see my Mum while alive she should change her flight to ASAP!
Yes, it was getting that close.

~tears~
Anyway, Mary changed her flight to come later that week. I picked her up at the airport on the Thursday night. She was justifiably upset but thankful that I had called and told her the truth.

Mum was pretty much out of it and had been out of it for a couple of weeks. Comfortable but no longer verbal. Sleep induced by the drugs Haloperidol and Morphine.

I tried to prepare my aunt for what she would see and to let her know Mum probably wouldn't know her or respond to her.

Long story short (sorry it was so long) Mum was hallucinating a bit and was making sounds. When my aunt approached her and asked her if she knew her, Mum said something like "aye" (keep in mind she's Scottish) Aye was something she said when she would stir when it was time for meds.
Anyway it was enough for Mary.. her sister knew her, she said "aye" when asked if Mum knew her.

Mum died the following day.

I don't ever regret making that call.

kesha.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

12. You did the right thing, making that call.

And your post was not too long! I was riveted.

Your aunt was so grateful, and that was very important too.

for your loss...

[auntAgonist]

13. Thank you Peggy. At the time

I was working in a funeral home so I was granted permission to look after my Mum once the preliminary procedures were done.
It was such an honour. My Dad didn't want a viewing. He was afraid to see her 'that way'
When I looked after her she looked beautiful. Hair and makeup, dress, nail polish.. a real beauty she was.

Dad and I viewed her alone. He turned to me and said "thank you, leave the casket open, this is the woman I want to remember"


I miss her with ever fibre of my being.

thanks for the

kesha

[CaliforniaPeggy]

14. I know you miss her, and I understand completely.

Our memories are so precious..........in the end, they're all we really have.

Take care of yourself...

[uppityperson]

9. There is no one right way to deal with these times

Hospice does not mean giving up, but getting help. But I also understand why some feel that way. I've known people on hospice for years, and for hours.

[Tab]

10. You can fight to your last breath

No one will deny you that.

But when you have to confront your own mortality (in my case, I did chemo+ for 6 or more years) and got to where there were not more to go that didn't have the same level and you start accepting EOL as a reality, that's when I could).

I decided I had to leave chemo - coudn't maintain it - and there was no quality of life - couldnt walk or talk or do much of anything - so I decided to stop. It's not that I was giving it up - I'd still stay with it if I could - but I was in constant pain and nauseau and slept 18+ hours a day.

So I stopped. When you're in the situation, what do you do maintain for encouragement for going down a negative path? I'd rather contribute to life now, even though it means being off meds and a definitely loss of curative.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions. I'm sure others have other viewpoints.

- Tab

[dylb2]

15. reply

Just wanted to send my love and energy to this thread after taking the time to read through all the posts.