Going up to see a friend in a couple days who is dying from cancer

[captain queeg]

He just acquired the prescription for death with dignity as it’s known here (WA), so want to say my goodbyes. Not much I can do, he doesn’t want visitors but said he’d talk to me on the porch if I came up. I can understand that. Prostate cancer has him. At least it’s inspired me to get checked regularly. My last checkup my PSA was up to 8 but I don’t think that’s really bad for my age. He put off getting checked so long it was stage 4 by the time they found it.

[Tetrachloride]

1. I was involved in couple end of life events. Some random suggestions

Turn on airplane mode on phone.

Bean dip plate maybe. special drinks , yogurt or pina colada.

Music such as piano playing.

Porch is nice. You sound like the person he can tolerate seeing.

Good luck

[left-of-center2012]

2. Why a bean dip plate?

[Tetrachloride]

7. Porch friendly food.

i wouldn’t show up empty handed.

The first time i attended such an event. , someone had to make an “emergency” run for pickles.

[childfreebychoice]

3. Hats off to him for doing it "his way."

I hate that religious nonsense prevents so many from chosing how to end their lives.

[captain queeg]

13. Yes I admire him

He’s spent the last few months tying up loose ends. He doesn’t want his death to burden others. It’s not that he isn’t bummed or scared.

[Tomconroy]

4. Might want to consult a urologist.

[littlemissmartypants]

5. I lost my Daddy almost a year ago to prostate cancer. His doctor/friend made the mistake of telling

him that he would "die of old age before prostate cancer."

His mother lived to be a spry 94 and we all expected him, as a fully in shape health nut, to live at least to ninety, if not longer.

He didn't take the cancer seriously. He refused surgery and other procedures that most likely would have prolonged his life and given him a death from old age. That's what we all hoped and expected.

But because he decided to listen to one doctor, not a urologist, not an oncologist. It was his cardiologist, a buddy, who by the way, died before he did due to a freak dental procedure accident, that he listened to and believed.

I tried to get him to get another opinion. Even though I have a career history as a direct care medical provider with close to thirty years of experience in acute care, he wouldn't listen.

Just like he didn't listen when I warned him that his wife was planning to commit suicide, which she did try. Though she was unsuccessful, now she suffers from brain damage after being unconscious over eight hours and ventilator dependent for three scary days. He thought I was overreacting and must have been mistaken because "she hadn't mentioned it" to him.

Unfortunately, he just never really had a belief in the intellect of women. Not even those women who are highly educated, like his adopted daughter, me. He just didn't think women are capable of being as intelligent and competent, or as trustworthy, as men.

Well, he died at eighty five. He was too young and I will never forgive his stupid friend, even if he was a doctor. He had no right to be so cavalier with his comments, by speaking on a topic he wasn't qualified to comment on.

Mom sleeps with his ashes and she is slowly fading away, forever missing the sweetheart she depended on for almost seventy years. They were high school sweethearts.

He literally rescued us both from a likely future of poverty and for her, from the stigma that comes with being an unwed mother. He came to get her, finding she had left her first husband. She was pregnant and alone. He adopted me and married her after he graduated and returned from OCS. I believe he saved our lives. If only he had been able to save his own.

Please, don't downplay the risk of prostate cancer. It will invade your lymphatic system and spread to your organs and bones quickly. And always get your advice from more than one physician, those who are in the appropriate field of practice and have extensive experience with excellent references.

I would give anything to have my Daddy here just a little while longer. Even with his faults, he was a great man and I think about him a hundred times a day. I'd give anything to hear him call me "honey" just one more time.

Take the lead from your friend. What an honor it is that he is making time for your visit. It's the most precious thing that we have in the world.

And please, take good care of yourself.

❤pants



End of Life Issues Group post:

https://www.democraticunderground.com/1285768

Bereavement Group post:

https://democraticunderground.com/12343456

[captain queeg]

9. My friend was doing triathlons in his 50s, watched what he ate etc

I know he had it for years but told himself it was. Urinary infection and would not let them do a biopsy. To me it seems it’s usually men who refuse to see a doctor though I have a sister right now with breast cancer who is doing some natural kind of shit. But she doesn’t deny that she has cancer. By the time my friend finally took it serious he was stage 4. I’ve always heard prostate cancer is pretty treatable when caught early.

[littlemissmartypants]

11. As soon as denial and ignorance join hands, it's a sign that they will be jumping out of the plane

Without a parachute.

❤

[renate]

10. He sounds like an incredible man

I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine the frustration and anger you must feel. One throwaway sentence from someone who repeated an old trope without thinking of your dad as an individual cost him many years of life and left you and your mother with so much grief.

This must happen all the time. My dad had his surgery 17 years ago but only because I pointed out to him that he had a very healthy lifestyle and was likely to beat the prostate cancer timeline if he took care of it instead of letting it do its thing like so many men are advised to do. I think it’s way too common for them to hear what that cardiologist said and just leave it alone; it’s so tragic when that advice isn’t tailored to the individual.

You may have saved a few lives by telling your dad’s story.

[littlemissmartypants]

12. Thank you for your kind words, renate. I deeply appreciate them. ❤

[brewens]

6. The last time I saw a friend with cancer, all we talked about was sports, just like any other day.

He was a big dude when healthy. He was about 100 pounds that day. I didn't ask how he was doing. It was obvious, and how many times does a guy like that need to tell the story of his treatment and prognosis? Maybe he forgot about the cancer for a few minutes. That's the best I could do.