The Borowitz Report - U.S. Releases Strategic Alcohol Reserve Before Election Night [View all]

[LetMyPeopleVote]

https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/us-releases-strategic-alcohol-reserve

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to “a situation of utmost urgency,” President Biden released the nation’s Strategic Alcohol Reserve just hours before Election Night.

Immediately following the announcement, the price of vodka dipped below three dollars a gallon and Biden’s approval rating surged to 94 percent.

But even as Americans cheered, experts warned that excessive liquor consumption could cause severe mental impairment akin to that exhibited by undecided voters.

Statistics show that the nation’s alcohol supply has been under acute pressure since November of 2016.