Spurious News: Elon Musk's Tesla introduces car Donald Trump will like! [View all]

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AUSTIN, TEXAS (Spurious News Network) -- When electric-car baron Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla, joined forces with convicted felon Donald Trump to help get Trump re-elected president, many saw it as the ultimate case of strange bedfellows. Mr. Trump is well-known for his hatred of electric cars and alternative energy, two businesses Mr. Musk is heavily invested in.

Today, Tesla introduced a product designed to get Mr. Musk back in now-President for Life Elect Trump's good graces.

"We call it the Model T - the T stands for Trump," said Mr. Musk at a crowded press conference. "It runs on coal. Big hunks of the dirtiest coal we could get our hands on. Eat me, you dirty fucking hippies."

The Tesla Model T is a state-of-the-art coal-fired vehicle. Larger than a Chevrolet Suburban, the SUV seats two and has no space for carrying cargo. "We needed the room to hold all the coal," said Mr. Musk. "It holds a ton of coal and 250 gallons of water. There's no room in the Model T for luggage or luxuries like groceries, once we put the coal bin in. It will tow 2500 pounds, so it comes with a trailer."

The Model T gains its motive power through a steam-powered electrical generating system. "In the place we had the frunk in our former electric cars, all of which have been discontinued, there's a boiler. The steam from it drives a turbine to generate electricity, which runs electric motors from the Tesla Semi - which is also being converted to use coal. We developed innovative technology to recover the steam. Unlike the old steam trains that required a water stop every 15 miles you don't have to add water for 500 miles, the range of the coal supply." When asked how the modern motorist who expects his or her car to be instantly available will cope with a vehicle that requires 20 minutes to build up enough steam to work, Mr. Musk said, "you can't turn it off. Once you flip the switch to start the Model T when you get it, that's it - the boiler will run forever."

The car also has many luxury features that will appeal to the newly-elected dictator. "It has a laser-engraved portrait of Donald Trump on the tailgate," Mr. Musk said. "All the controls and door handles are gold plated. It's only available in one color - camouflage. As you drive, President Trump's Truth Social posts appear on a heads-up display. The seats are covered in elephant hide, and the steering wheel is wrapped in lion skin. The cupholders, of which it has two dozen, are sized to hold a 44-ounce Big Gulp from 7-Eleven, who has agreed to sell coal at all their convenience stores. President Trump will love the Model T, and we've done everything we could to make it that way."

When it was pointed out that the Environmental Protection Agency and all 50 states would never allow a coal-fired car on the road, Mr. Musk simply stated, "since the Department of Government Efficiency is closing the EPA and banning state-level environmental regulation on January 22, 2025, that won't be a problem."

Mr. Trump was enthusiastic about the announcement. "Finally he gets it!" Trump said. "Not using coal is un-American, and the Model T will use a lot of it. This car proves that American ingenuity will Make America Great Again."

Sushma Raman, Interim Executive Director of Greenpeace USA, responded by immediately moving to Germany. "Fuck that idiot and the orange bastard that thought he should be in the government," she said while standing in the TSA line at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport. "I'll be back after Trump's eaten himself to death. I'd say 'after things have gone back to normal,' but nothing's ever going to be normal again."

The Tesla Model T was well-received in coal country. According to incoming West Virginia governor Patrick Morrisey, "this car will double the amount of coal West Virginia mines sell, which will add coal mining jobs. I never thought I'd ever say this, but thank God for Elon Musk!"

The car is also celebrated among Trump's supporters. John Smith, a man with Donald Trump's face tattooed on his back, said "I thought I was rollin' coal in my (Ford) F-450 after I took off all the smog control shit. This thing REALLY rolls coal. I can't wait to get mine!"

The Model T will sell for $25,000. "That's half what a Chevrolet Suburban costs," said Mr. Musk, "and the Suburban doesn't get up in liberals' faces nearly as well as the Model T does. We think every good American will buy two or three of them."