The Borowitz Report- Hegseth Offers to Connect Breathalyzer to Nuclear Arsenal [View all]

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bid to reassure the nation, Pete Hegseth said on Friday that, if he is confirmed as Secretary of Defense, he will connect a breathalyzer device to the nation’s nuclear arsenal.

“There are these things that you blow into that attach to the ignition of your car,” he told reporters. “I would get one of those, only instead of a car it would be nuclear weapons.”

Hegseth added that he would also submit to a daily phone conversation with his mother, and “if Mom says I don’t sound right, I won’t go near any nukes. Besides, if I’m hung over, I won’t want to set off anything loud.”

In a final pledge, Hegseth said, “I promise the American people: if I’m drunk in the morning, I’ll have someone else drive me to the Pentagon.”