You know...

[TigressDem]

26. I get to feeling that way sometimes.

I want to be that person who has an idea and it actually goes somewhere and helps the world or at least someone.

I thought I would be a writer by now. Did not happen. Got some books finished but never submitted them

I even "failed" at what I thought was an inspired but relatively simple idea today. Donate clothes to homeless shelter.

My son lives with me and his kids the other day threw out bags of clothes and a few of my things got swept up in the mess so I wondered if any more of my things got thrown out. There were like 4 small bags and 2 large bags. I went to laundry mat and washed all these clothes. Folded them and put them in bags by basic size etc.
Oh but I got a really late start because my son was yelling at his kids about cleaning, washing dishes and he just lost his shit. I went up there because he was telling his son to leave, just get out.

It's like he SAYS he wants the end goal, kid do dishes and don't argue.
BUT when the kid starts arguing, and I live with his 17 year old too, THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS is a CALM Broken Record and redirect of all his stupid excuses. I got him to start doing the dishes and my son got mad at that. Threatened to go take apart the part of the back deck he worked on this summer. Because I asked if he wanted me to take 1 of the kids with me to do laundry to lessen his load.

I had about 3 loads of my own clothes too that I decided to bundle up as well. $63 and HOURS later we got done. Hubby met me and my sister we packed things up into the two cars and we took my sister to lunch for helping me. Then we tried to find somewhere that would take the clothes. They don't take USED clothes because of Covid now.

I know there are places that do but I was hoping to donate to places that help the homeless.

I failed at working in a warehouse. I was doing my best to keep up with 20 year olds. I am 60 and it got to be too much. But I did lose some weight. Well 2 or 3 pants sizes.

So I went back to my old gig, tech support. I feel good and bad. Sitting is killing my body. I got used to running my ass off and now when I sit all day my back hurts like hell. I can barely bend down to pick stuff up off the floor. I hurt from sleeping. But I love being on the phones and solving problems again, even if half the time, I don't know what I am doing.

I used to have a light box. I need sunshine to not go mental. Not sure where it went, so I have to get out daily. I live in the basement. I take Wellbutrin and it has been allowing me to turn off the negative thoughts, AND I make lists. If I can do ONE thing and check it off, it begins a slow turn away from thinking I am a total failure.

I call people. I reach out. Like you did.

My in laws are cooped up and feel like they have nothing to offer some days, but they have been there for us in the past and that is enough for us. We do weekly shopping for them even though the things they "need" are minimal. It's a reason to touch base and show them we love them.

It helps to give others a bit of time and attention.

I just wish I could really do something that feels like I am succeeding instead of just treading water.

Why bother?

I need to live long enough to REALLY IRRITATE THAT ASSHOLE KID of mine.

He thinks I pissed him off today. Wait until I really TRY to do it.

I brought him into this world.....