You know...

[OldBaldy1701E]

40. Thank you all for the kind words.

If I have offended anyone, I apologize. When the darkness is truly in control, I am completely inconsolable. I am still wondering "Why bother?", but I can at least work on it in a more conducive frame of mind. I do know that I have a very real concern about Parkinson's, or Alzheimer's these days, seeing how my brain is working. There are things happening to me that have never happened before, mainly because I was always smarter than this. And, I am seeing the effect that this is having on my mate. I cannot stand to watch this. I know that he holds the schedule that he holds to keep contact to a minimum. I do not blame him. I think I should go. I think he is making a mistake staying with me. But, I will not survive without him. I don't want to survive a lot of the time as it is, were I to leave him or vice versa, I know my number would be up.

So, I was thinking about this earlier post and I had this question: When everyone around you constantly said that you were good at what you do, and yet you were never able to make that turn into a living (at least our socioeconomic version of it), how can one conclude anything other than either a) everyone is a liar, or b) I failed spectacularly? What if it was both (which would mean everyone including myself sucks and therefore why even bother living another moment)? This is one of the things I have been grappling with recently. I have no answer and I don't know that there is one.