June's Starself Astrology Newsletter - Astrology and Predictions

[magical thyme]

24. I think I found the resentment

"This is a very complex subject. HOWEVER, I do not believe Saturn is going to give you a break as long as there is so much resentment present."

I was focused on the wrong resentment, the one about my job and being first scammed and now strong-armed into working night shift.

It is another resentment; deeper, lifelong. All my life, my mother and my sisters plotted to take from me whatever the universe provided. It was always "unfair," no matter whether it really was luck or was the result of hard work. I remember key moments: when I won a trip to Greece in the church bazaar. I was 14, so too young to travel there alone. But another church member offered $800 for it -- a nice opportunity for me to learn about saving and investing, sharing, etc. My mother forced me to give it to my eldest sister to "save" her marriage. As if 1. her marriage was my responsibility and 2. a vacation would fix marriage to an abusive alcoholic. As if that wasn't bad enough, she never used the trip anyway. So they took away my gift from the universe and literally threw it out.

Of course, at 16-17, my beautiful horse who turned out to be an "indian gift" that they ultimately killed through their stupidity.

At 18, the Christmas coat that my mother took back, sending me back to college at 25 below with a thin, outgrown jacket. The coat was the only time my father tried to stand against my mother. They fought, screaming and yelling, from 9am until the middle of the night. And then didn't speak for the next week. But he still relented.

Every time my 2 sisters and I played monopoly, they would end up ganging up on me. They didn't care which of them won, as long as I lost. They were taught to hate me, they were taught that it was unfair. My middle sister knows, but still cannot stop her greed and her need to take what is rightfully mine when push comes to shove. Over the past year, I have sensed their plotting against me again. My eldest sister didn't realize that she left clues everywhere. It was almost funny when she recently confessed to me that they were in contact after she'd told me they were not, because she'd slipped so many times.

These are just some of the memorable moments, but they represent a theme that ran through our relationship. Eldest sister was mother's favorite. Middle sister was father's favorite. I was the illegal abortion that was interrupted.

That is the resentment; that no matter what I did, they abandoned me, all of them, over and over. I begged, I pleaded, but to no avail. Now it is replaying. I have been thrifty and careful, lived within my means, and am hanging by a thread. They lived profligate lives by borrowing and are going down. We've been through this scenario before, and I am sick of it.

Once again, my father has a choice to either include me or abandon me. To help me as well as them, or to give them everything and leave me to drown. This time, though, it really is his last chance to be a man.

This is the resentment that I carry. That when push comes to shove, I have always been the one thrown overboard. Until I simply started jumping overboard and trying to survive alone among the sharks.