I never got to meet him [View all]

[Nictuku]

My parents divorced when I was 1 year old. I'm an only child from that marriage.

I met my father for the first time (that I remember) when I was 21. I found him because my mother told me: "If you want to remember where your father is from, think of misery". (true story)

When I was 21 I tried to find him, and called all of the major cities in Missouri directory assistance looking for him. I found him. I called him and said: "I think I'm your daughter" and shortly after I went to St. Louis and visited him for the first time.

I met my half-brother then, we went camping with my father's family and it was a pretty good time.

I'm from California, they are from Missouri.

A few years later I had 2 other visits with him, and they weren't so good. My father was an alcoholic, (and I was a pretty big partier when I was 24, so I'm not being overly judgmental here) The good thing was that I did get along great with my half-brother.

Later on, My father's new wife had passed away and he was living on his own the last time I visited. It wasn't so great a visit. He was drinking in the morning, didn't eat much. It was just really sad, and any 'dream' I had of my father being someone I could look up to was smashed.

He did take me to go water skiing on that last visit, but there was a big fight with his current girlfriend, and when we got back to his place, I went to take a shower, and he came into the bathroom to to ogle me. I screamed at him that this was not OK. He left with his tail between his legs. He knew he was wrong, but he just couldn't help himself. I was just 24 years old at that time. The day before he was saying things like: "If you weren't my daughter......." (shudder)

Our relationship was pretty much shattered. I'm grateful that that man had nothing to do with raising me. My brother tells me that he would get drunk and come home and wake his kids up and beat them for no reason.

This is so opposite from my Life. My mother is a Loving and Kind woman. We had many adventures together and lived in some wonderful places (Arizona, California, Hawaii)

She is upstairs now and I can smell the wonderful aroma of her cooking a nice dinner for us. (In 2010 I bought a house and asked her to move back to California from Memphis so I could take care of her when she gets older). And here we are in Napa, I'm so grateful to have her in my Life.

Now and then I think about how different my life would be had my alcoholic and abusive father been involved in raising me as I was growing up.

After that bathroom incident, I never went back to visit, I never saw him again. Phone conversations were a waste of time, because he was always wasted. Couldn't remember our last conversation. He never once sent me a birthday card, or acknowledged me on that day.

Anyway, 10 years ago, my father died. He died alone. His alcoholism drove his family from him. He was doing crack and such near the end. I didn't like talking to him much, he was always drunk. They found him alone in his place almost a week after he had died.

I was sad when I learned of his death (my brother called me), and it struck me odd that none of his children did anything to arrange a funeral. I wanted to send some flowers, or something... but there was no where to send them, there was no funeral. At all.

After he died, I lost touch with my half-brother (he moved, changed phone numbers and wasn't listed).

Years later came the invention of facebook, and through facebook, I was able to reconnect with my half-brother, and now we talk regularly, but I have never met any of his (5) children, or his wife.

Through facebook, I was able to get to know a couple of my half-brother's kids.

One wasn't a presence on facebook, he was a mechanic, not into social media at all, so I don't know him.

One of his daughters posts a lot and has 3 children, so I know a little about her.

One daughter I do feel connected with, we both have an interest in CosPlay and other Roleplaying games.

One son is really into guns and that kind of crass (redneck) kind of posts, so I hid those. Just couldn't connect.

But the other son that I did connect with, was gay, (and he had some drug problems), but I did feel like we connected in a way, and I did get to know him a some, through facebook.

So this is the bereavement part:

I just found out today, that on Monday, my brother had 2 strokes and a heart attack! He is OK now, released from the hospital, and is out and about already, so he is doing ok. He needs to quit smoking and eat some vegetables.

On the same day, his son (the one I connected with) was found dead in his car from an overdose. Meth and Fentanol (sp?). They didn't tell my half-brother right away, as he was still in the hospital for the heart issues and the doctors felt it might be too much for him given the circumstances.

I'm upset now (at myself) that I never got to meet my Nephew, and now I'll never get another chance to meet him. I should have gone to Missouri to meet my Nieces and Nephews. If I hadn't bought the house maybe I could afford it. I especially want to meet my Niece who I did connect with.

This was my Nephew's last post on facebook:

At my new job! I love working for my new company! Best job I ever had and the easiest smooth flowing people to work with. Can’t wait to see what’s in the future with my awesome new position!!

The family thinks that he was celebrating that night, that it wasn't a suicide.

My heart goes out to his Mother, my brother's wife who I have never met. I talked to her today on the phone for the first time to share my condolence. To deal with all that in the same day, it just sounds like too much for a mother to bear.

Thank you for letting me share this sad story. It helped me a lot to type it out, whether or not anyone reads it.

Maluhia (Hawaiian for Peace)