My ex husband (abusive narcissist) is dying.

[left-of-center2012]

8. My father was not a part of my life

When I was growing up, my dad never interacted with me except to yell at me or put me down.
He was never a father,
offering fatherly advice or any 'normal relationship'.

He smoked, watched TV, and didn't want to be bothered.
As a child, a few times I found my mother crying and, when I asked her the reason, she'd show me a bruise
but gave no explanation.

When I would visit, my dad told me "I know you're not here to see me" and walk out of the room.
I went home to visit rarely, due to money and that we lived on opposite sides of the US.

He died of emphysema when I was 37. My brothers offered to 'loan' me airfare, knowing my economic situation at the time,
but I did not want to be indebted to them.
My mother told me she had been unable to attend her mother's funeral, and if I could not come for my dad's funeral, it would be OK.

I chose not to go.

However, I was overcome with grief at his passing and did a lot of crying the day I heard of his death,
maybe more for the lack of a relationship I wish we'd had.