Feeling so vulnerable and weirded-out... [View all]

[Backseat Driver]

I'm married to an only child with issues of his own, but still a woman who was effectively shunned and mostly estranged from all members of my family of origin for the last 30 years. It's been difficult grieving those relationships as "pseudo-deaths." I was financially unable to attend my father's funeral notwithstanding my obedience to my unrepentant mother's choice that she never speak to me again. I do consider her choice about that so very toxic, and I remain so very vulnerable to the family dynamics. The siblings took up her side so neither they nor I have had much contact since then either. I don't know my niece; and they don't know my kids. I am the "black sheep" who wasn't able to enable my "better angel" and continue to bear Mom's treatment of me and our children in word and deed, her considered choice that I honor. I work on self-esteem" daily for issues I consider, at my age, unrepairable.

Several weeks ago, my brother dialed the "safe" number of his niece, my daughter. I returned the call to learn that he was in the hospital with conditions that would make his situation terminal, and my 92-year-old mother had sometime previously had a small stroke and was in "rehab." He's been her caretaker in her home because he had never left home. even during my father's last illness. Surely my Mom had help tending Dad at home and thereafter. Both my sister and I live OOT (in different cities) with our families; we both have family issues, then, of our own. He's made her his "person." I've since spoken with both, who say they want reconcilliation, so I asked to be kept updated.

At a particularly difficult time, long ago, my DH asked my brother to hold a couple things, and he agreed. We recently found out he still has them. We would like to reclaim them. Both brother and his person were surprised and nervous that I still had a key to my family home. I would like to reconcile with my siblings, and I've initiated some calling but have not made any solid plans for an in-person visit. DH's not enthused to take the only running beater on a day trip; the nearby kids are really busy and don't claim a lot of interest in stepping into what's been the "family" mud puddle throughout most of their lives. It doesn't appear that either brother or mom will return to their home. For a time, both were at the same rehab facility. As of today, my brother has gone to another facility, a Hospice in-patient facility, to receive palliative care for the possible 0-5 months. Can I trust these are authentic requests for reconciliation pre- double funerals of brother and mom in the hands of my brother and my sister? I'm confused and grieving all over again, but THEY want the moral support! My experience in relationships whisper, "No good deed goes unpunished." Can there be a crack in the wall - I need to be careful to hope for all sorts of miracles, to say the right things, to act in all the ways they expect? so guaranteed, I still feel between the rock and the hard places all over again about exactly who deserves support in bad times?