Tough times

[Marthe48]

57. The firsts are hard to get through

Even if you have distractions, the loss and empty spaces intrude. My friends and I are the oldest generation in our families now. We had to be the ones who made the calls, and make arrangements, and make sure there was food after the service. Some of them lost their parents way before I lost mine, and still post memories about their loved ones. But, I have friends who have lost children, and I don't think your parents would have wanted to outlive you. You are not being selfish by missing them. But they went first and will meet you in time.

My Dad died at age 54, when I was 22, and I didn't expect him to die. It turned out that he was very sick and didn't tell us. He and my Mom were divorced, so she didn't know how sick he was either. It took me years and years to find a way to accept his death. My Mom lived to be 87, and faded slowly. I missed her and I still miss her. Her parents and brother all died before they were 60 and after my Mom turned 61, she would often say, "I can do what I want! I'm living on borrowed time." I can't tell you how irritating it was, but I also can't tell you how many times I'd cheer her on, saying, "Go, Myrt!" Because by then, I could think of her as Myrt, not just Mom. I was honored to know her and have some of her strength. She passed away in 2007, on Memorial Day. I can't think think of a better day to remember her.

It seems like you not only have sadness to deal with, but also anger, that her dr. missed her illness. It'll take more time to come to terms with your loss because you also have to get past other feelings. My younger brother died in a car wreck in 1983. I was devastated. After years of feeling as you do right now, I read a magazine article about loss. A mother who had lost a child was interviewed. She said, "Some things are unacceptable." That one sentence was what I needed to know, so I could move away from that loss. Maybe it won't help you to hear that some things are unacceptable. You might not see that as the one thing you need to hear to get through this first anniversary of your loss, or being on your own.

I hope you'll think of a way to honor your parents, that lets them live on because you are living on. I wrote poems every year for my brother. I've planted trees and flowers, made donations to organizations my parents supported. I tell my kids and grandkids about my Mom and Dad, hoping that even if they didn't meet them, they know them.

I'll be thinking of you and I hope you find your way.