Unfathomable what you must be going through.
We aren’t perfect and you can’t beat yourself up so much about what you said or didn’t say, sweetheart. You didn’t KNOW what was going on behind the scenes, and if you did, you would’ve acted accordingly, right? You. Didn’t. Know. and you are human and were in pain, yourself. Give yourself that break, that condolence.
When most people are depressed they don’t reach out, and don’t necessarily share even when asked. So loved ones don’t know the extent of the thinking distortions/self-blame that are bothering them. Your son’s note doesn’t say anything about your family making him feel unworthy. I’m not a shrink but it seems like he was focusing on what was happening inside himself. And how unusually considerate to include a HAZMAT warning, that seems like a generous, loving act.
I hope you and your husband can find a way to deeply support each other through this shared grief. Wishing you comfort as you work your way through all this.
Good to reach out here on DU. People care. 
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