When someone takes their own life they are not thinking rationally. It is almost like my grandmother who was mentally ill and thought the neighbors were tunneling under her house so they could hurt her. It didn't make sense to anyone but her and she was convinced of it.
And I know that when someone takes their own life EVERYONE FEELS GUILTY. Everyone thinks of things that they did that were "the cause" It would be good to talk to your other children to make sure they are not going down that road of crazy thinking also.
An then I would definitely get myself into a group from Hospice or for parents of suicide. Talking with others who have been through the same thing would help a lot.
I know this is a horrible time in your life. Probably the worst it will ever be.
And if you want my spiritual/philosophical thought it is this: Every single person comes to the earth at the exact time they are supposed to and they leave the earth at the exact time they are supposed to. And, I believe the reason for that is too big for me to understand but also that it is Divine and good.
I apologize if I sound like I'm giving you a sermon. Know that just like everyone else here it is because I care and I am terribly sorry for the pain you are going through.
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