Traumatic deja vu experience with police -- no wonder we have such a mental health crisis. [View all]

[crimycarny]

I posted earlier about my son dying by suicide this January. He was 25. It has been extremely tough, as many can relate. So many of the comments on my post were so helpful to me that I re-read them many times when I'm struggling.

There is such a huge misunderstanding of "grief" and "depression". There is also a MAJOR misunderstanding on how to treat depression period, particularly before it gets to such a debilitating stage as suicide.

So onto my traumatic experience. Two days ago I had to call the company that handles FSA claims (medical claims for reimbursement). Note it is NOT my insurance company, I'm talking about medical expenses that aren't covered by insurance but you can get reimbursed from a health savings account that you contribute to yourself. This company had denied reimbursement for my grief counselor therapy, despite having approved several previous ones. So I was calling to find out why.

The customer service agent who took the call was trying to figure out what the issue was, trying to understand the type of therapy, and I mentioned it was for grief counseling due to my son's death. She told me "I understand, I lost my brother and my father." Of course, I broke down at that. She told me that she was so sorry for my loss, told me she understands the guilt that comes with it and reassured me it wasn't my fault. I thanked her, told her it was very hard, and that I missed my son very much. We got my claim resolved, I thanked her tearfully when she again expressed her condolences, then hung up. I actually thought how nice it was that I got not only a kind agent but one who understood grief.

24 hours later there is a knock at our door. My middle son opens the door and there are two policemen standing there asking for me by name. BTW, this is EXACTLY how we were notified of my son's death by suicide back in January...his younger brother answered the door and they asked for me by name (I've never understood why they didn't mention my husband's name too).

My son comes to get me and I am FREAKING out. Major PTSD. I'm thinking "OMG...did something happen to my daughter?" (she's away at school). Turns out the woman at the claim agency called in a "welfare check" for me. WTF???? The police treated me like I was a criminal. They kept asking me what I said on my phone call with the claim agent 24 hours ago. It was so bizarre, almost like I had called in a bomb threat. They just kept quizzing me and trying to see if what I said matched up with what they were told. I kept reassuring them I was not suicidal and I never mentioned suicide in the phone call with the agent. But they just kept quizzing me like they didn't believe me. It was horrific.

It wasn't until they left, after quizzing me for at least 15 minutes, that I realized they never asked me if anyone else besides my son was at home (you'd think they want to find out if I had support if they truly thought I was at risk). They only asked about what I said on the call...which was 24 hours ago anyway! Who cares?? Isn't what's going on NOW more important? Do I have support? Do I have resources? That's what they should have asked if they truly felt I was at risk.

Humiliating. I was so shaken up. I had full-on "fight or flight" adrenaline for hours. Shaking, heart pounding, feeling nauseous. And the flashbacks to the day we were notified of my son's death wouldn't stop.

No WONDER no one wants to tell anyone if they are suicidal. If this is how they treat someone based on the inexperienced judgment of complete stranger--what the h*ll? And my other son witnessed all of that!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Traumatic for him because of the flashback, AND I worry it would dissuade him from getting help if he--god forbid--needed it. What the hell are we doing in this country in regards to mental health?

I hate the term "defund the police" but we sure as h*ll need more $$$ towards getting qualified mental health personnel to go out on calls like this. God forbid it was someone truly suicidal.