I'm in MN for my mother's funeral

[sinkingfeeling]

34. Your mother's passing was much like that of my mom. She passed away in May 2015.

She was almost 96. Like your mother, she spent a horrible last two years of life. My mom kept her mental sharpness until the last 2 weeks. She was almost blind and could hardly walk with assistance. She was in an assisted care facility and broke her hip in a hard fall. She underwent the surgery and was sent to a rehab place. My sister was by her side through it all. I was 1100 miles away. Mom never really came back from the surgery. She was barely conscience. I drove to Florida to see her, but she didn't know who I was. She talked to her dad who had been gone more than 50 years. She spoke to her little brother who was killed in WWII. I stayed about 5 days and then drove back home to my job. I received a call from my sister when I was around 20 miles from home that Mom had just died..
I didn't cry a tear for my mother. I was relieved that she no longer suffered. It was strange that she was cremated and there was no funeral. I was to take my sister to Ohio where we placed her ashes beside those of my dad. They had been married 50 years when he died of a heart attack way back in 1989. My mom had been 18 when they married and he was the only man ever in her life.
I feel guilty that I never cried. I didn't cry when my only sibling, my older sister, committed suicide in 2017. My entire remaining family consists of my son and one granddaughter. I think about my mom a lot, more and more as I grow older. I find myself thinking about the past frequently.
People say I'm "stoic". But I'm not. I cry at the drop of a hat; at movies, sad stories, book endings, and posts on DU. But with family deaths, I just get all the paperwork done, all the arrangements made, and say silent goodbyes. Perhaps it's because I don't believe in the heaven/hell thing. I think those I have lost are still close by. I hold them in my heart.
Mourn however you wish. If you can arrange to sit somewhere quietly by yourself, do it. I am deeply sorry for your loss. After my mom was gone, I was an orphan at age 67. You will continue to feel like a motherless child. There are times when I've said aloud, "Mom, how am I supposed to do this?" You will find comfort finding something she has written or made. She will always be with you, in your heart and memories.