My sister is dying. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 [View all]

[Dark n Stormy Knight]

Last edited Fri Nov 15, 2024, 07:11 AM - Edit history (2)

uterine cancer two years ago. The prognosis was bad. But she decided to do everything possible to survive. She's been in treatment ever since. She's had an amazingly positive attitude. A few times it looked as though she might even be heading toward remission, but that hope would each time be dashed not long after

About a month ago, they diagnosed her with leptomeningeal disease, meaning the cancer cells have infiltrated her cerebrospinal fluid. The prognosis is near certain death within a few months at most.

She has had a few stroke-like incidents over the past couple of weeks. Two days ago they admitted her to Sloan Kettering hospital in NYC. She is losing her vision, can only walk with a walker, and is having awful headaches.

My selfish concern is that the shattering of our once-close relationship will soon become permanent. She turned against me when I decided to estrange from my brother because his behavior had become unacceptable & unbearable to me.

I have seen her only about 5 times since she was first diagnosed, by her choice. We had for many years been very close. Now, she barely contacts me and is slow to reply when I try to contact her. Her husband told one of my sisters he didn't want me visiting because I might "bring her down."

Odd to remember that she sent me the fateful CT scan that showed the initial cancer prior to her appointment to discuss it with her doctor. I guess because I'd been doing so much research related to my husband's cancer, she expected I could understand & explain the radiologist's findings.

My mother turned 87 yesterday. On October 25 of 2020, my dad (her husband) died of pancreatic cancer. On December 26th, her only son (my only brother, from whom I was estranged) died in a fall witnessed by his two young adult sons.

Mom and one of my other sisters went up yesterday and are staying in a hotel near the hospital & have been allowed to visit with her. Her husband is by her side most of the time, as are her 3 daughters. So, I'm glad she's not alone.

I last saw her on September 28th at a small family reunion. We didn't end up hanging out that much except in large group situations. Around a small table together, when we were looking at old photos, she got angry because, when she said she'd never seen a certain photo before, I said she probably had.

It looks like that event will have been the last time I ever saw her. So, I guess I'm experiencing what I've heard called anticipatory grief. I'm also feeling helplessness & regret that I couldn't find a way to repair our relationship.😢

Well I don't suppose anyone had the time & patience to read all of that, but I appreciate having a place to tell my story.

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I don't know the best way to share this addendum, but I hope this will work.

I am thankful to each of you for your sweet words of understanding & support. DU really does have so many wonderful, happy new kind-hearted people.

I have read all of your replies and am thinking over all of what's been said. I wish I could reply to each of you, but I'm just not able to right now.

In response or to clarify a couple of things:

My husband & I have asked my sister directly (via text, her fave communication method) a few different times over the past couple of years for her to come visit us or for an OK to come to her house, like we used to.

She ignores the requests to visit her. And only responded to the idea of coming here when a David Bowie-related show (She's a huge Bowie fan) was in town. Twice she said she would come, but the first time she forgot, the second time she ended up having a treatment session that prevented her from coming.

So, my husband and I don't feel we can force our way into visiting her.

She is the youngest of we 5 siblings at 58. I'm the oldest. We 4 "girls" are all still here, as of this moment & have what passes for reasonably relationships in our dysfunctional family.

I'm an atheist, but my dying sister has some sort of faith. And she's said repeatedly that she feels & appreciates the thoughts &/or prayers from our family, friends, and even strangers.

Thank you again, DU, for being here for me, and not just this time!