How to talk to MAGA relatives over the holidays

[pat_k]

107. Book on How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times

Recommended book:

I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times
By Monica Guzman

It is possible to have respectful conversations with many people on the "other side." (But certainly not all.) I think the recommendations in the book can be very helpful. And when the techniques don't work and the other person is just being contrary, or when your own anger or hurt or whatever kicks in, disengage, respectfully.

Some of my takeaways from the book

-- Don't go into the conversation to change minds. Just let that go. Completely.

-- Ask genuinely curious questions (not "gotcha" questions). The book has a lot of guidance on this.

-- Don't argue conclusions. Reserve debating facts for later in the conversation. Shift to the personal as much as possible. What experiences in their life shaped their views? Share the experiences in your life that shaped your views.

For example, the author's father is a Trump voter. Part of the reason is that growing up in Mexico he saw a lot of corruption. His own father was a very honest, law-abiding man and instilled those values in him. He saw his father ridiculed for being law-abiding. When the author's father was able, he immigrated here legally. He came because he saw America as a nation of laws – not corrupt like Mexico. He believes people coming across the border without following the rules should be stopped. Try to change the laws, sure, but until the law is changed, for him, the law is the law. Period.

Sometimes, when you understand where someone is actually coming from -- not what you assume they are thinking -- it's a little easier to understand why they are where they are.

-- Listen. Show you've listened by paraphrasing what you heard them say. Sometimes when you do that an assumption of yours that is wrong sneaks in. You are giving them a chance to correct you before responding to what you've heard.) No one is ready to hear what you have to say if they don't feel you heard what they have to say.

-- When responding, stick with what is going on with you. (When I hear you say (whatever) I (whatever)...)

-- Be honest and clear. If you can't state your values and what led to them without being confrontational, disengage, respectfully. ("I am feeling very hurt/emotional/angry/vulnerable/whatever right now and need to stop talking about this. No need to explain. Just state what is going on for you. Don't blame (don't say "You are making me very ..." )