My best friend is fading away. [View all]

[littlemissmartypants]

I used to have a human best friend, my mother. But she died. Now my little doggie best friend is leaving me. My heart is already broken. Can it possibly break any more?

I'm wondering if chichi will make it until her birthday, October 8th. She was born in 2008. She was rescued from a dumpster. The breeding operation she was rescued from had been shut down. So many dogs in need remained. No one wanted her because she was born with so many birth defects.

A friend told me about her. She convinced me to go see her before it was too late. She was not going to be kept if no one adopted her, I was told. The thought of that still chills my bones.

All it took was one look, and she had stolen my heart. She was a fuzzball with huge ears, and she was mine. I knew I had found a companion and a friend.

I lost my pomeranian of 15 years just months before to a massive stroke, and the space he left was enormous. He was my baby. Literally.

When my former husband and I lost our baby to a physician's medical mistake, I wasn't able to get pregnant again, and my new doctor told me to "get a dog." So, I put the money aside and made a plan.

Like everything else I embarked on then I did my research. I read about breeds and life spans and peculiarities. I decided on a pomeranian. He was amazing.

I named him after a famous French general. You probably know the one. Because this pooch was a little guy with a huge personality. He immediately had me conquered.

The same thing happened with chichi. All ears and attitude but never barking. Eventually, she learned to bark and found her voice.

She would sing when I sang and we had a song list. I had so much fun "singing" with her, but now I can only try to remember the sound I know I'll never hear again.

She only occasionally barked. But when she did, it was a sound so large that believing it came from a four pound Chihuahua was difficult to reconcile.

Now, I'm holding a vigil. There will be no more barking. She hasn't been able to stand on her own for a couple of weeks. I've been anticipating all of her needs, carrying her around like a baby. The one I lost. The one I couldn't have.

Yesterday she ate very little for the first time and drinking has become very difficult for her. It's been so hard to watch. It's so hard to try and mitigate.

I want more than anything to see her fight for her life. But now she just cries out for me. She literally howls to have me hold her. So, I do.

It's a sound she's never made before. A sound I will probably miss and not want to really hear again, but one I will try to remember. It means she's still breathing. It means that I still have a friend.

Because she has been stuck to me like glue from the first time we met. I took her everywhere. So small and quiet and stealth no one ever really knew. She stole hearts when they did.

So to work, the bank, shopping, everywhere. I didn't want to leave her and now she's leaving me.

I don't want to lose her. I don't want to disappoint her. She's been a friend, and so will I be, until the end.

I made a commitment. I don't break promises.

She's been my everything since my mother died, and now she's leaving me too.

I am overwhelmed. Watching her fade. I keep checking to see if she's still breathing. I've barely slept, afraid I won't be there when she goes.

I think I may be broken. I'm so sad.