1monster

1monster's Journal

October 30, 2024

My husband collapsed and died tonight.

I'm not looking for sympathy or words of wisdom. I'm just trying to wrap my mind around it. I need to tell my stepson before I let his and our friends know, so I came here where there is some annonymity.

He has been dianosed with Parkinson's Disease for ten years, and had symptoms (serious sleep disorders) for around ten years before that. This past year was difficult for him as he developed severe spinal stenosis and could no longer walk. About a month and a half ago, he had to be hospitalized with a UTI and cellulitis. He stayed in hospital for eight days, then was transferred to a skilled nursing facility for two weeks.

While he was in the nursing facility, the UTI made a come back. He was still on antibiotics when I brought him home, but finished the course in two days. He seemed better for a few days. And then started hallucinating a bit again. A visit with his PCP elicited that the UTI was still lurking, thus more antibiotics that he was still taking, but he seemed much better.

Today, my son and I were picking up an Rx for him, for whatever reason, I felt the need to prepare him for his father's eventual death. I said I thought he was getting ready to die -- not right away, but maybe a few months or a year.

So tonight, around 11:30, he was watching Stephanie Ruhl when I asked him if he was ready to go to bed. He said yes, so I rolled him back to the bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed to get undressed and asked me to watch the rest of Stephanie's interview with Fred Guttenberg. He seemed fine, alert.

About two minutes later, I heard my son shout. He heard a crash in the bathroom and his dad moaning. I got to my husband in about fifen seconds. He was moaning, lying on the floor in a very uncomfortable position (that has happened before).

I tried to get him up, but couldn't. My son also tried, but couldn't. I noticed that he had become unresponsive, (my son was telling him fiercely, "Don't you dare die!" ) called 911, and began chest compressions as instructed by the 911 operator. EMS and several sheriff's deputies were there within five minutes or less as I hadn't begun to tire from the chest compressions. I'm sure adrenalin helped there as I'm still feeling the effects of it two hours later.

The paramedics tried to imbue cautious optimism in me, but I knew he was gone.

He has been a part of my life for nearly 50 years. We lived together for eight years before deciding to get married and have been married for 33 years. And I don't know how I feel...

October 13, 2024

This showed up on my Facebook memories today from four years ago...

I did not write this, only shared it. It is really pretty much a universal experience, with only details changed, of most women, not matter what her age. No other comment needed.

I’m 14 and I’m struggling in Algebra class. When I ask for help, the male teacher says ‘I’m not surprised, girls aren’t that good at Algebra.’
I’m 18 and go to my first fraternity parties with girlfriends. We don’t ever say it out loud but it’s understood that we need to stick together at these parties and not get separated, for our own safety.
I’m 20 and I’m working as a hostess at the Red Lion Inn in San Jose, near the airport. Men in suits come in to eat after their meetings during the day and I see them take off their wedding rings before heading into the bar next to the restaurant. Every girl who works there learns quickly not to bend too far over because of the short skirts of our uniforms.
I’m 22 and it’s my first day on a new job. My male supervisor gets me into a room alone and I think he’s going to tell me about the job but instead he tells me about how much he likes sex and how he needs to have it every day. I get up and walk out of the room and avoid him after that, but I don’t tell anyone because I’m one of the only women there and I don’t know what to do.
I’m 24 and I’m watching Anita Hill on TV, testifying about a man who wants to be on the Supreme Court. I don’t understand everything I’m watching but I understand that she’s a black woman facing down a panel of white men and she is going to lose because, at 24, I do understand who has power and who does not.
I’m any age in my 20s and I’m walking on the street, in a park, in a city, in a suburb, anywhere. Men tell me to smile, to wait a minute, to slow down what’s my hurry, can I ask you a question, can I stand too close to you, can I demand your space, your time, your attention, hey where you going bitch?
I’m 25. I’m buying my first car and the salesman offers a price I know is way too high. I bring my stepdad to the showroom and the same car is now $3000 less. I smile and buy the car but inside, I’m seething.
I’m any age in my 30’s and I think about where I park, where I go, whether I should get in that elevator that only has one man in it and how I should make sure not to make eye contact with men in the streets. All of this is normal to me and I don’t question any of it.
I’m 35. I’m buying my second car and the salesman says we should wait for my husband to get there before talking about the price but would I like to see the makeup mirror? I tell him I’m a lesbian and, if he’s waiting for my husband, he’s going to be waiting a long time. I leave because I’m learning.
I’m 40 and a woman, Hillary Clinton, is taking a serious run at the Democratic presidential nomination. She’s smart, tough and qualified but she endures endless anger, viciousness, and misogyny and she eventually loses in the primary. Male friends tell me it’s probably for the best because there’s just something they don’t like about her, you know?
I’m 49 and a man who said he grabs women by the pussy is elected as the 45th President of the United States. The night of the election, I feel physically ill and my first conscious thought is ‘my God, the Supreme Court.’ The next morning, I overhear two men laughing and congratulating each other about the election and I feel unsafe in my own country.
I’m 51 and another man who stands credibly accused of sexual assault has just been confirmed to serve on the Supreme Court. I see women on television sobbing, screaming, protesting, crying out in their anguish and their fear. I am so angry. I think of every woman I know and I am so angry.
I am any age, every age. I am a woman. I am a daughter. I am discounted. I am underrepresented. I am underestimated. But I am a voter. Today, that has to be enough. Copied from someone else.

October 8, 2024

I have lived in Florida for 50 years and this hurricane is the first that has

really scared me. And while we are in the cone, we are at the upper edge of it on the east coast, ergo, what ever we get will be mild compared to what the Gulf Coast will experience, and they have just begun the clean up from Helene. God help them.

Hurricane Matthew hit here in 2016. As storms go,it wasn't anything near the strength of Milton, and yet it completely flooded our little city to the point that the main street by the bay was a part of the bay for a while until the water levels fell to more normal levels. There was nothing to show where the street ended and the bay began... not even the sea wall. And the waters from the river on the other side of town mixed with the waters from the bay.

The winds were strong enough to blow three trees down on my house whose roots could no longer hold on to the over saturated ground.

And Matthew was next to nothing compared to this storm. We will get plenty of wind and rain here, but nothing like St. Peterburg, Tampa, Orlando, and Cape Canaveral will see. Keep them in your thoughts as they go through the storm and the aftermath. The home insurance business in Florida is dreadful and prohibitably expensive. Many will be uninsured and lose everything.

After securing the outside of my house in the morning as best as I can, I'll be taking my invalid husband to the big city 40 miles north where my son has an apartment to wait out the storm. We will be okay...

December 27, 2016