Borowitz: Trump names El Chapo ambassador to Mexico

Borowitz: Guardrail protecting democracy turns out to be Venmo

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After worrying that there would be no limits on Donald J. Trump’s presidential power, on Thursday experts agreed that a robust guardrail does in fact exist: Venmo.

According to the constitutional law scholar Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, “The framers of the Constitution could not have envisioned this, but our nation’s most powerful protection against tyranny is an app.”

“While Republicans in Congress and on the Supreme Court cower at Trump’s feet, Venmo knows no fear,” he said.

Logsdon added that today’s developments should also send a strong message to the nation’s business leaders, noting, “Venmo has more balls than Jeff Bezos.”

So Tidy Whitey MAGA Mikey doesn't want the Gaetz ethics report released.

Makes me wonder if one of the arguments he made when running for speaker was as follows:

I’m really short. Less distance when I bend over to kiss the Fatass. Much more efficient. Praise Jeebus!

Borowitz: Rudy has advice for Matt Gaetz

So I asked myself: Who will I trust...

With the White House Christmas decorations? Some Jewish guy from LA or Melania Trump?
The choice was clear. I have voted accordingly.

Of course, there were other factors, but….

I have always thought of Ted Cruz as oily but...

If Cancun Cruz is the Exxon Valdez, JD Vance is the Deepwater Horizon.

Excuse me. Did JD just say it's bad to call out misinformation.

Translation: You believe Trump’s lies. Ivanka is pretty, Don Jr is smart.

Stare into this crystal.

Available for $599.99 on Lying Antisocial.

Doug Emhoff just released a very sweet video for his anniversary.

Rumor has it that the Drumph campaign will counter with a release of the pictures of Melania signing the pre-noop.

Stickies! How do I add stickies to my page/profile/whatever it's called?

This question was posed yesterday but there was no reply.

Good cartoon in my inbox from the New Yorker.